TLDR: My boyfriend and I have been together since July. We both work in healthcare (different units) and work night shift. He lives around 45 minutes away from me. I live much closer to the hospital, so sometimes when he has to work, he will stay at my place so he doesn’t have to leave as early. We obviously spend a ton of time together because of this and I normally see him every couple of days.
I ended up going to his place on Sunday morning after I worked overnight, and we ended up going to sleep for the day since he is also on a night shift schedule. We spent the day together yesterday, but I had to be back at my place by 6pm because my friend was dropping off a birthday gift for me. We never talked about our plans, but I just inferred he would be coming back to my place with me because we both work overnight tomorrow.
Around 5pm, I was getting ready to go, and I ended up talking to him, and he said that he wanted tonight to himself. I told him that that was totally okay, but it was hard to mask my disappointment, and I left shortly after. Our goodbye was super awkward, and he told me I could call him on my way back. I ended up calling him and apologizing for the way I left and for seeming sad, and that I never want him to feel like he can’t tell me he needs space to himself, because that is a normal and healthy thing to want. He said that he felt bad for not spending the night with me because I was expecting it, and that he thought he was in the wrong.
Shortly after I got home, I got a phone call from my mom saying that my grandma had been diagnosed with dementia (we had known for a while something was going on; we just got the confirmation today). I ended up taking a nap, and I woke up in a total state of anxiety. I ended up calling him in tears, telling him the news, and talking about that. And then the conversation shifted to me never wanting him to feel like he is obligated to spend time with me, and that I don’t want him to start to resent me because he feels like he has spent all of his time with me, and I was totally freaking out. He wasn’t saying much and was focused on the computer screen, so when he was about to hang up, I expressed that I was upset and that it felt like he was preoccupied with something else instead of listening. He said that he didn’t know what to say, and he apologized, and we ended up having a heart-to-heart and communicating about several things that we each were doing that was bothering the other.
I can’t shake off the guilt I feel and the worry that I drove him away by freaking out on him. I also feel incredibly guilty that he wanted a night to himself and that I called him twice for over an hour each time. He said it is okay because I was having a rough night, but I still can’t shake my guilt. I am generally not one to cry and freak out in front of partners, and I’m worried that I scared him away. I sent him a text apologizing again and saying that I was overwhelmed, but that I love him dearly. He is my everything and more, and we have barely had any conflicts since we got together. Am I too much overbearing?