I (29M) have been with my girlfriend (29F) for about a year. Things are great, we’re happy, in love, and more connected than ever. But I recently found something that’s been eating at me.
We first met as friends online and fell for each other during a trip last year. The chemistry is incredible, emotionally, sexually, everything just clicks. We agreed on sexual exclusivity at the end of it, even though we weren’t “a relationship” yet and knew distance would make things tricky. Three weeks later, she told me she wanted to commit fully, and since then, we’ve built something real.
Recently, while we were scrolling through her phone together to find something from that first trip, I saw an old chat with her best friend, dated two days before she voiced her full commitment to me. The texts said a guy had “cancelled,” that they’d “talk next week,” and that she “badly wanted to find an opportunity to get a better experience.” It sounded like a hookup falling through.
When I asked, she said it was about work. But the texts were from 11 PM and didn’t mention anything about her search for a new job.. I told her I wouldn’t be mad if it was about a hookup. It was before we were official after all, I just wanted honesty. She got upset, said I didn’t trust her, and started crying. So I dropped it. Partly also because I didn’t want to reopen the whole “flirting with another guy” topic from that same early phase, something we had already resolved and moved past.
But the timeline bothered me. That same night a year ago, she sent me unusually high-effort spicy pictures, dressed up, her home tidier than usual, clearly not what you wear for a night at home. I even remember how much I enjoyed those photos back then, how I saw them as a sign of her commitment to me. She’d even asked for “permission to cum” that night, which we usually only do during our sexual moments together. It felt intimate, special, until now.
Now I can’t shake the thought that those photos were originally meant for someone else and the question was her loophole.
Maybe nothing happened. Maybe it really was about finding a new job. And in any case, she chose me. But it still feels like betrayal. To the exclusivity we agreed on, and especially because she brushed it off instead of talking honestly.
I’ve forgiven her for smaller things during that time before, (flirting/sexting with another guy before we full committed) but trying to hookup two days before she wants a full relationship feels different.
We’re amazing now, completely committed, focused on us and devoted. I don’t suspect cheating since then at all.
Should I bring it up again and reopen something we worked so hard to move past? I would forgive it but I want the honesty. Things have been going so incredible before I saw this, we both have been the happiest in our lifes and grew so much in this relationship, especially recently. I don’t want to shake or destroy this for potentially nothing or something that doesn’t even matter anymore. But I can’t stop thinking about all of this. And what could I do to stop pondering about it?
TL;DR: My girlfriend might have tried to hookup during our dating phase. Should I demand clarity about it and risk the relationship growth we achieved, especially as it doesn’t really matter anymore?
Comments
I think you are in a difficult situation. However, without any concrete evidence, it’s not easy to pin point her. Since life is amazing now and she is loyal to you, I think you need to put a closure to those thoughts. Why to rock the steady boat now.
You were’t official means there was loose ends or whatever to clean up. And those are messy – leave it alone.
If everything is fine since and now, then you need to focus on what’s in front of you. She also maybe wasn’t sure about you but if she is now – then your trying to get information about something irrelevant at this point.
Focus on what trust has been built since that point and live in the now.
This is what happens when you hedge and prevaricate. The fact is that if you we’re “a relationship” yet, then you weren’t a relationship. The little quotation marks don’t change anything–you’re either in an exclusive relationship or you aren’t.
So unless I’m misreading this, you were not yet in a relationship when this night happened. You took what happened that night and “saw it as a sign of her commitment,” but you were just making an assumption there. Maybe she was just feeling frisky. Maybe she did try to hook up with someone (since you weren’t exclusive yet) and it was lame and made her realize she’d rather be with you. Either way, what does it matter since you weren’t “a relationship”?
So as far as I can tell, the problem is that while you might have agreed in principle that you weren’t a couple yet, you clearly felt in your heart that you were. And so now you feel like she cheated on you, even though this was before you were exclusive.
Not only do you need to drop it, you need to do some introspection about this entire line of thought. You’ve already “forgiven” her for flirting with another guy before you two committed? What exactly is there to forgive about a person who’s not in a relationship flirting with someone?
If anyone did anything wrong here, it was you for agreeing back then that you weren’t officially a relationship yet but then holding it against her when she acted like it.
Do you have any reason to believe that she cheated on you after you actually became official? If not, then she did absolutely nothing wrong back then. And if she brushed this off instead of being straightforward now, maybe it’s because you’re so hung up on it that you feel “betrayed” and that she needs “forgiveness” for things that she did when you were, in your own words, not yet in a relationship.
You’ve got to focus on the future, bud.
Stop overthinking it.
If she’s committed and isn’t flirting with other people (although you kinda hint at her probably doing that). Then just move on.
If you feel uncomfortable then, just cut the cord.
Your overthinking it will only make the relationship toxic, I’m telling you this from experience.