I want to begin by saying that both my husband (M50) and I (F48)not only love my mother (F67), we LIKE her and thoroughly enjoy having her involved in our lives.
Allow me to set the stage. My husband and I moved to another state with our 2 daughters (now 19 & 17) roughly 8 years ago and live in a 4000+ square foot home. My mother became widowed 5 years ago and moved as well. Into an apartment, less than a mile away from us. We were, and still are, thrilled about her move and so thankful that my girls are able to have a “hands on”, yet not a medler, grandmother so close by as they grow up. Additionally, I have been super blessed that my husband loves, and gets along with, her as much as I do. Mom does have a bit of money from my step dads passing, (all of which is in a savings account, but I’ll get to that later) that she’s living on, and also a part time job which allows her to get out of the house and be productive, while earning enough to cover her utilities, etc.
My husband is in finance, and though not without sacrifice, (he travels for work AT LEAST 3 weeks out of each month) his career has allowed us a comfortable life and my being able to stay home to take care of the house and our daughters. Our oldest daughter attends college in our city, but resides on campus, however, she does come home often. Our youngest will be graduating high school this year, and has plans to go away for college. Though not off of the payroll, our nest will be empty, and a new chapter will begin for my husband and I. Something we have both been looking very forward to.
About Two months ago, my mother was involved in a car accident that hospitalized her for a week that included multiple surgeries. For her to be released from the hospital, she either had to go into an acute care facility or stay with us. (physical therapy was needed three times a week.) That was a no-brainer, we went to her apartment, packed up some of her necessities, and set her up in our home. Meanwhile, still keeping up with the rent on her apartment, so that she has her place to return to when she is healed. Her progress has been astounding and it looks as though she’ll be able to return to her apartment in about two weeks.
Now, regarding her funds. My mother, who still has all of her faculties, and will soon be back to normal physically, lives her life to the fullest. She is in great health overall, and we could easily see her living another 20 to 25 years . Yes, this sounds great, and as long as she has good quality of life, I’m all for it. But the lady likes to shop!! And not for things that she necessarily needs, but more impulse buys. Therefore, the money that she does have is not likely to last her 20 to 25 years. She lives by the motto of, “you can’t take it with you“, and has never really shown much financial responsibility throughout her life. I mentioned earlier that my husband is in Finance. He has approached mom about making some smart investments with some of the money as a way to keep it generating in the hopes it will last her, but she outright refuses! She would rather keep it in a savings account gaining 3%, meanwhile, inflation…
So there you have all of the information needed to let me know if my husband and I are being selfish A-holes.
Mom has made passive comments over the last couple of weeks about just moving in with us. Then it’s turned into she will plan to move in with us when our youngest daughter goes away to college next year. That was not a part of my husband and I’s plans. Although we don’t really have any plans set in stone, we are looking forward to the ability spontaneously pick up and go and just focus on the returning journey as Husband and wife, since the daily parent tasks will no longer be. (I mean besides the constant worrying, and the new bank teller role I will be taking on every time I hear “can you please transfer some money into my account“) This is a milestone for us that we have worked so hard to get to, and we are super excited to see where life’s journey takes us.
My husband and I are on the same page that we don’t feel it’s in anyone’s best interest to have my mom move in just because. Don’t get me wrong, if there was even the slightest NEED for her to live with us, there would be no question, no debate, it would just happen! But at this time there isn’t a need. When we grew up and left the nest, my mother got to live out the years with my stepfather, until he passed, in the manner that they wanted. That is what my husband and I want as well and feel we deserve. Therefore, we are trying to find a way to talk to her before the holidays and let her know that she will not be moving in with us next year, barring something unforeseen. (Oh, did I mention that both my husband and I absolutely abhor confrontation and try to avoid it at all cost?? so yeah, their lies another issue.)
In addition to that conversation, we also need to approach the financial aspect. We do not feel it is right for her to continue her frivolous spending while possibly thinking that if she does run out of money, she will just move in with us and we will take care of everything. If it were a situation that she started off, barely having anything and showed herself somewhat responsible and frugal, we would have no problem being her safety net financially, to some degree. But again she lives by that motto of you, can’t take it with you. So I feel that, included in the conversation we need to have with her about moving in, we need to set our boundaries, offer to help her create a budget, then see if she can adhere to that budget on her own, while still living on her own. We will then give her six months to a year to get acclimated to her new budgeted lifestyle, practice self control while watching QVC, then revisit to check on the progress. If progress has not been made significantly, then we would make her ever getting to move in with us contingent on on her, turning her finances over to me, and she will receive a monthly allowance. I truly don’t want it to have to come to that because it doesn’t really sit right with me to have to parent my mom. That said, we still have some hefty financial obligations between two college tuitions, a mortgage, car, notes, etc., etc. that we shouldn’t have to support mom as well seeing as it can essentially be avoided for at least considerably delayed.
I know this was a long one. I’m very sorry for that, I appreciate any and all comments. Yes even if you do think I am in a hole however, if you happen to agree with any of the topics, we will need to discuss with mom, and you have some advice on approaching the subject, being firm with little to no hurt feelings, I would be so very grateful for that.
AITAH for not wanting my mom to move in with me and my husband as soon as our nest empties?
r/AITAH
Comments
NTA Don’t let her move in especially if both of you are don’t want her too. The shopping will cause her to move in about 5-10 years earlier than she would if she didn’t waste money
You’re only the asshole for not using any paragraphs in your post. It’s not your responsibility to take in your mother so she could spend her money irresponsibly. Tell her no.
NTA! Enjoy your years with your husband as empty nesters. It will be like a second honeymoon. Revisit the topic in 20 years
NTA. Just say that is not the moment, but you will continue to support her as you have been doing the past years.
First she needs an advanced directive, a burial fund and a retirement plan. She needs an attorney. One illness, one catastrophic fall or a chronic condition changes everything. While she’s at it you both should do the same.
Put all your well thought out boundaries about your lifestyle and rules about her finances in a letter and hand it to her. Let her read it and think about it for a few days, then you can sit down with her and have a conversation.
NTA. To be quite honest I didn’t bother reading the entire post. I don’t need to because of the fact that sharing DNA does not obligate you to do anything for them that you do not want to do. Being family doesn’t give them to right to cross your boundaries, in fact the familial connection should be seen as a reason for them to respect your wishes.
Way too long of a post to get to the bottom line. No is a complete sentence.
NTA. Stop avoiding this conversation. Tell her clearly and directly she is not moving in with you. Will her feelings be hurt? Maybe. But you still need to do it.
Since you are not capable of having difficult conversations with her, I suggest you have someone else work with her on a budget and financial planning for the rest of her life. Take yourself out of it.
NTA tell her bluntly We are not subsidizing your shopaholic tendencies. Take husbands advice make some investments so you can make your money work for you and you will not be moving in with us for many, many years. You are social and able to live on your own. Maybe find another able bodied older adult and let them be roommates
NTA
Nooooo
Did not read.
As a recent empty nester, it has been great to get back to being a couple. You need to be honest and even blunt with her that this isn’t happening.
No way! Your mother needs to live within her means and needs to stay in her own home as long as possible!! You need to start telling her NOW that her plan to move in when your youngest leaves is NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!!
Also, you and your husband have EARNED the right to have an ’empty nest’ and she doesn’t need to climb in it! You two have the right to go live your life and enjoy each other. She had her chance, now it is your turn!
NTA.
YTA. You seem to have a perfect life and assume that everything will always stay perfect. You have a giant home and a functioning mother. You are bending over backwards to argue that you not only want a perfect life without any bad things (who doesn’t!) you “deserve” it. You truly don’t seem like you actually do like your mother. Or at least not in the way I feel about my friends and family who I “like.” (i.e., I’d help them out if I were in the position you are in).
You don’t need to have your mother in your house but at least be honest (and so much more brief): you have a vague idea that you want no baggage in your life, and so no mom.
NTA. You aren’t her retirement plan, ATM, and personal concierge. She is an adult.
Just. Tell. Her. NO! NTA for not wanting her to move in, but slight whyTA for not being direct and heating around the bush.
NTA but your mom may need more help than you think. She is working in her 70’s-80s. Help may not be financial but any other way.
First, unless your daughter is graduating before the end of the year, I would wait until after the holidays to address this issue with your mother. She has just recovered and maybe is a little too vulnerable right now to have this kind of discussion.
Then, I would start the discussion out explaining what you explained about you and your husband being excited to have this next chapter in your lives, like she and your stepfather had, and that therefore she should not plan to move in with you at this time. You should make it clear, like you did here, if the times comes when she can no longer live alone, then of course she can move in with you.
Then you can go into the issues of her finances and how to make that work etc.
Please add paragraphs.
I could not get past the first third.
Your Mum needs to live within her means independently.
Tell her now. Your mom is real close to my age. She is not that old and she knows better about this spending. You are right in that she could live a long time. You need to talk to her now because it sounds like she is just planning on moving in with you. You deserve to have an empty nest and enjoy your life. Do not delay. Tell her now.
As someone who as an empty nester last year, it is short lived. You are not entering a new phase of your life.. your kids will be back before you know it.
As for your mom, she has done well for someone that had a baby at 17! I agree that you shouldn’t have her move in.
Keep her out as long as possible.
As a child, whose mother made no provisions whatsoever to take care of herself and ended up moving in with Me in her 50s, do not do it. Learn to put boundaries in place not only financially, but with the practical aspects. Do not tell her that you will allow her to move in if there’s a need, because I promise you she will suddenly develop a need.
My mother moving in with me has destroyed my marriage. And since I also have a disabled child who will likely never be able to self sustain, I will never have that time with just me and my husband. And every day is a fight just to hold onto the relationship that we currently have. And it doesn’t matter that you and your husband like your mom. You deserve your own space. You deserve your time and you deserve to not be an irresponsible person‘s retirement plan.
Set the boundary now because I promise you as much as you don’t like confrontation it will be 1000 times worse if you have to do it later.
NTA
NTA
The reason that she doesn’t care about her finances is because you and your husband are her retirement plan.
If you don’t want her to live with you, you need to put on your big girl panties and tell her.
She got her time without kids/others in the house. Its your turn now.
It doesn’t have to be a dramatic conversation right now. Just let her know that you and your husband are really looking forward to being empty nesters for a good while, and you won’t be ready for her to move in for a long time, barring emergency. So she should make financial plans to live alone for at least another 10 to 15 years. Extend another offer to go over finances with her, but otherwise drop it.
NTA
In your post, you say that “when we grew up and left the next, my mother got to live out the years with my stepfather, until he passed, in the manner that they wanted. That is what my husband and I want as well and feel we deserve.” I think that you should say that to your mother. Tell her that you’ve spent the last however many years raising your own two kids, and now that you’re about to be empty nesters, you want to enjoy some time alone, just the two of you.
Based on your description of your mother’s frivolous spending habits, it might not be a bad idea to take control of her finances, even with her living in her own place.
67 is very young still. She might be lonely. Maybe get her involved in activities where she can meet people. Sell your 4000 sf home and downsize to a place that is too small for her to move into.
Paragraphs please. I had to bail
You cannot & should not try to control her spending. I would not address that at all.
You also do not have to rescue her if she runs out of money.
NTA. You need to just be blunt. “Mom you moving in with us doesn’t work for us and our empty nest plans. We love you. We are glad you are near by, but near by isn’t the same as living with us. You need to sit down with my husband and make a REAL financial plan that includes a budget and investments that will actually give you more money. One way or another, your financial plan can not be moving in with us.”
Then you just have to let her have her emotions. The sooner you do this, the less “confrontational” it is because she has less time to get it in her mind that she is moving in with you.
I do think there is a way to block channels. And a way to prevent people from ordering off QVC. Do some googling. This isn’t an uncommon issue for people dealing with the aging parents.
I just can’t. It’s literally a wall of words. What has happened to the use of PARAGRAPHS???????
I couldn’t finish this. Too much detail. And you need paragraphs.
Nta. Your mother shouldn’t have to become your child. Don’t even take over her finances that will be you taking over her life. She is an adult and needs to have adult consequences. Do not let her derail your empty-nest plans. My hubby and I are 45 and 51 my youngest went away to uni my oldest lives with us we can’t wait to be empty nesters. His mother pulled this BS and we shut her down immediately. No my home is not your retirement plan or end-of-life plan. There are homes for that. She’d better start getting a clue or you will end up as a default.
NTA
You have to get over your issue with confrontation here and have the hard conversation.
Updateme
“Mom, we have been waiting for 20 years to finally be able to be alone as husband and wife and enjoy each other. We can re-visit this conversation in a few years, but for now, you are going back to your apartment”
For the love of god, please use paragraphs. I’m not reading a wall of text.
NTA. You may be conflict averse but you need to head this off NOW before your mother convinces herself she’s moving in (if she hasn’t already).
You could try: “Mom, we love you and we love spending time with you, but moving in with us is not an option. Husband and I have plans for the future that don’t involve a permanent houseguest and we value our privacy. Just as you and Stepdad enjoyed your time alone together when your kids moved out, we plan to do the same. It’s important that you understand this so you can put a financial plan in place to make sure you stay independent and able to support yourself as that’s not something we can do. How can we help you with your budget?”
Don’t justify, don’t make excuses, just set the boundary. When she asks why she can’t move in (and she will) simply restate that moving in with you is not an option. Repeat as necessary.
Do not try to take over her finances. The idea that you can put her on an allowance when she’s still earning her own money is silly and defeats the purpose – her needing to be responsible for her own spending.
She’s not a child so don’t treat her like one, either by pussyfooting around the issue so you don’t hurt her feelings or by taking away her autonomy.
NTA. You are looking forward to the next chapter in you married life. Your mother is allowed to live her life her way but seems she does need a reality check. She has an idea if her future and shared it with you. Its just a “concept if a plan” (where have U heard that before?). Anyhow you too have a “concept if a plan” the difference is you never shared yours with her. That seems like a good starting point. Talk to your mom she sounds a bit like a free spirit and doesn’t bite at least not very hard! 😂
NTA. I understand where you’re coming from. I was just thinking about this today about my own mother. My kids are about to be 19 and 15. And soon we will be empty nesters in a few years. My mom lives 2 hours away. But I was wondering what would happen if my dad passes. Sje has never lived on her own. My dad has always been the one to handle finances and manage the household. My mom doesn’t like being alone. She’s scared to be in the house alone. When my dad has to go on a trip she usually comes up for a visit. I love my mom and my husband does also. So do the kids. There isn’t any issue about a strained relationship. But I’m also dreading her wanting to move in. But idk she may go and live with my sister instead. I’m looking forward to us having the house to ourselves.
First off confrontation is part of life confrontation is how people know where our limits are and not to go past them. You needed to have this conversation/confrontation with her last week which means you need to either have it today or tomorrow. Your momma is at that age that her generation start regressing into entitled teenagers. Just like you set boundaries with your children while raisin’ them you have to do it with your momma. You both have probably worked too damn hard to have this next chapter of your life taken away from you. So don’t let it happen.
You need to sit down with your mom and have the hard conversation NOW. Be clear and avoid any equivocal language that she will interpret as “maybe”. Tell her that you love her but you and your husband need some time to be empty nesters and while her moving in is a topic you’d be willing to revisit in five to ten years it’s not going to happen before then.
Then bring up her financial situation. Tell her that her “you can’t take it with you” mantra might be okay with her but you aren’t okay with taking money you could use for your children and for your own retirement to enable her shopping addiction.
Since she refused your husband’s help tell her you can set her up with another financial planner who can look at her finances and tell her how long she’ll be able to make them last if she budgets her money.
At her age she should be living off of any pensions/ss she gets plus the money from her part time job and all of her “savings” need to be invested in products appropriate for her age and remain untouched.
Every time she says “you can’t take it with you” respond– “but you can’t take it from my children either.”
I would just ignore the first part – she’s not planning on moving in til your youngest graduates – deal with it then, if she brings it up again. You can always make passive statements about how you and your husband look forward to an empty house that you can run naked through every day chasing each other like newlyweds. wink wink
She should be getting social security and she’s working part time. If she runs out of money, she runs out of money. She will still have the monthly income and then will have to learn to budget. It’s her life and it’s not up to you to run it.
NTA Say what needs to be said calmly, but emphatically. Don’t be swayed by what she wants. She can have what she wants and needs in her own space as long as she takes some financial advice.
Updateme
NTA.
You and your husband need to be direct with your mother and tell her you won’t be allowing her to move in with you once the nest empties. And you need to tell her now and get her to understand it’s not an option.
You and your husband have waited for this season of your lives. You’ve earned it, and you will enjoy it.
There doesn’t need to be a confrontation because it’s not negotiable. You’re giving the situation clarity, and she needs to accept and plan for it. Trying to avoid this conversation is going to bite all of you in the ass so it needs to be addressed.
So she’s hinted at moving in with you, then she came right out and said that’s what she was going to do once your high schooler has left. Just made this totally outrageous declaration, as if she had the right to do that.
I’m guessing that because you said you both abhor confrontation, you didn’t say anything when she made those hints. So she figured your silence was agreement. Now she’s set her life plan in motion. She’ll piss away her money, and have a great time doing so, because you’ll be there to support and house her in a few years, or sooner.
Sorry, but you’re going to have to have that awkward and uncomfortable conversation asap. There’s no way out of it. Sit down with your husband write it all out. Keep it concise and brief. Practise what you are going to say til it feels second-nature. Then sit her down and lay it out.
She has no right to dictate your lives like she is thinking. She got to enjoy being a empty-nester, which is what you and your husband want to do. You do get to do that. You are not TA for wanting that. She would be a massive TA to deny you that.
You may get all along swimmingly now, but I’d say it would be almost a guarantee that things won’t be so great with her up in your business, in your personal space, 24/7 for 20+ years. Especially since that’s not what you wanted. You’ll resent it. Your husband could end up resenting you since she’s your mother and it was your responsibility to steer away from her selfish plan. It could kill your marriage. She doesn’t get to do that.
Have that talk with her! If her feelings are hurt, that’s on her. You can’t navigate your life with the idea that you can’t hurt your mother’s feelings. She’s a grown-up, she’ll have to deal with her emotions like a grown-up.
NTA
YTA for not talking to her. Put on your big girl pants and TELL HER THIS.
People can’t understand your expectations unless you communicate them.
“Mom, Dan and I are looking forward to some alone time and enjoying our empty nest when the girls are finally all moved out. We love you and will still continue to help you and enjoy each other’s company, but you are fully capable of living alone, and that is our expectation. You are not invited to move in with us right now. I expect that this will change in the future, and when the time is right, we welcome you joining our household. But until then, the answer is no.
One of our concerns is that you are spending through your husband’s inheritance quickly, making irresponsible, impulsive purchases that you don’t need. I want to set a clear boundary here: we are not your backup plan for when you run out of money, and burning through your bank account will not accelerate the timeline that we allow you to move in with us.
I’d like to offer a compromise plan, but you would need to give Dan and I full transparency into your finances. Allow Dan to invest a portion of your money safely, in your name, so you can earn a higher interest rate and have more of a financial cushion. I also request that you limit your impulse buying. I’d like to help you set a budget, and you can practice following it for six months. If, at our six month check-in, none of your spending behavior has changed, then you’ll need to turn your finances over to me to manage, and you will receive a monthly spending limit.
If you don’t want to participate in this compromise, that’s fine. But you are going to burn through all your money too soon, and when that happens, you will not be allowed to move in with us. Please take some time to reflect on my offer. The plan to eventually move in with Dan and I will require one of two things: either you manage your spending and stick to a budget starting now, or you turn over control of your finances to me, and you’ll receive a monthly spending amount. If neither of those options appeal to you, you are free to make your own decisions, but we will not bail you out or come to your rescue when you are out of money.”
I think you need to write this out in a letter to your mom.
(Please make it more concise than this post though.)
Writing it out lets you think about the exact words you want to use, the tone and the exact boundaries you want to set.
You can be clear that you love her but you are concerned about her spending. You can tell her that you love her and you will never let her become homeless but if she spends her retirement savings, one condition of moving into your house will be that you take over her finances. You can tell her that you have a lot of financial goals for the future and you cannot be her backup plan—especially if she wastes her own retirement savings. Every dollar you spend covering her frivolous spending is one less dollar available for your daughter’s college, graduate school, weddings and your own retirement.
Two things OP: First, damn, you really do hate confrontation. You’re already planning your surrender and talking about setting a budget for her if she’s gonna be allowed to move in. Before the conversation has even happened.
Second, paragraphs would be amazing here.
You’re NTA for not wanting it, but you need to put a stop to her plan asap. As long as you and your husband let her continue saying she’ll move in and you do NOT say no, she’ll think you’re onboard. It’s not okay for her to make the decision for what happens in YOUR home. It’s all for her own benefit. She’s acting selfishly. Put a stop to it now. You don’t have to be rude but you have to be very clear. “Mom, when the girls are out on their own, we have our own plans for our home.” She may be hurt, but it’s for her to manage her emotions. She needs to respect you, your marriage, and your plans for your life at this next stage.
Don’t wait until she brings it up.
At your next meal or your next family conversation with Mom just say as much as we love our children, for many years we have been looking forward to this next phase of our marriage. Once the children are gone, and what it means for us. To be free to be able to do whatever we want to travel, perhaps downsize whatever we’re looking for it to it.
Tell her the kind of life that she had with her husband is the kind that you want after kids are grown and gone
And if Mom chimes in saying, I thought I was moving in.
Tell her that you’re sorry that she thought that and perhaps one day it might happen, but there are no plans for that right now
You are NTA, it’s perfectly reasonable for you and your husband to want to enjoy your empty nest. I like and love a great many people in my life, but I don’t want them to live with me !
You are however going to need to tell her this, and realistically she probably will be hurt because she has already decided this is going to happen, but that really isn’t your problem, she should have discussed this with you, not just made a decision unilaterally. I think you need to tell her sooner rather than later, start talking about how much you and your husband are looking forward to having time to yourselves.
I also wouldn’t tell her that she will be able to move in with you when she really needs to because you will most likely find she will come up with all sorts of reasons why she needs to move in with you now. You also need to make it clear that her running low on funds is not a reason for her to move in with you and she needs to start to invest some of that money so she has enough to live on.
You need to tell her directly that she can’t live with you permanently, that this was only a temporary measure for medical necessity, and that if she needs long-term care, it will have to be in an assisted living facility or nursing home. None of this “if you run out of money, you can move in, but we’ll put you on an allowance.” If she wants help managing her money, she’s an adult and can ask for it. But the real issue here is that you and your husband refuse to articulate and enforce boundaries. And so either she doesn’t know that you don’t want her living with your long-term, or she does know but believes she can overrule you because you’re too conflict-averse to force the issue. Either way, you need to be clear that it’s not an option.
Tell her that you and your husband are planing to have sexy weekends and renew our sexual side now that you are alone. And that you being at your sexual peek be an empty nester. It’s so grand to have the home alone at 50 something.
You might want to consider gaining legal guardianship over her finances so that you can force her to adhere to a budget. Otherwise she will just happily go along spending recklessly, assuming that she will be able to lean on you once she goes broke.
If you don’t want her to live with you then don’t let her, but consider the possibility of building an in-law suite on your property if that would work for you. She could have her own kitchen and separate entrance and if you want she would have to knock before gaining entrance to the main part of the house. This might be a workable compromise but it’s up to you to decide. If it makes you uncomfortable then forget it.
You might even be able to get your mom to finance the construction. I have no idea whether your home’s layout would allow you to carve out an in-law suite or if you have enough land to build a separate structure (or buy one of those premade ones that you see advertised on fb reels and youtube shorts). But you certainly know if it’s feasible or not.
NTA. And tell her clearly she won’t be moving in with you guys and you are worried she is spending her money in a way that will leave her unable to care for herself and SHE needs to figure out how to stop that from happening, because you are not her safety net.
Be blunt, offer help with financial planning, and if she refuses, just tell her, “ok, so this conversation isn’t going to happen again, and if you try to bring it up again in the future, I’m going to remind you that you were informed of our boundaries and you decided to stick to your choices despite that.”
NTA. It is time to sit her down and have a very gentle conversation. But do not back down. You and your husband deserve to have this empty nest time to yourselves! Remind your mom that she had that time, and how much she enjoyed it.
You are not going to be able to avoid this conversation, but you have time to put together a thoughtful reply.
I would tackle this from a “we need ro get you financially secure so you can keep your currently quality of life” and lean hard into that. If she keeps pushing, then tell her the only way you would allow her to move in is if she handed over financial control to you.
This IS likely to get messy, but sometimes it needs to for growth.
Wait to have this conversation until she’s more recovered.
NTA
Every time she mentions moving in with you say NO. No explanation just NO.
If she asks why, because she probably will ask. Say, “I just got done being a mom to my kids and I need some time off for bad behavior”!
It is what I always told my mom and dad when they asked and so far it has worked.
I retired 8 years ago and my partner retired 1 year ago. We did have one of our kids boomerang back to living with us but he is 28 (He lost his job, due to restructuring, and is looking for another now). He is a great “housemate”. He has definitely learned how to be more appreciative, since living on his own for several years. He always does chores and asks if we need anything to be done to be helpful. He cooks for us one or two days a week.
If you think your message is going to get across to mom with little or no hurt feelings, dream on. Mom’s counting on the good relationship among the three of you to make it a case of “Well, OF COURSE you can move in, Mom! It’ll be WONDERFUL!” There is no way that you can hem and haw and dance around it without hurting her feelings unless you simply don’t come out and say no and hope she reads between the lines.
Better get it done soon, though — otherwise, mom will have blown through all of her money and expect you to be her retirement plan.
After my father died, my mother became even more of a shopaholic than she was. She was frittering away all the money that she made from the sale of her house. My sister stepped in and we agreed to put her money in an annuity and we took away her debit and credit cards and checkbook. My sister paid her bills for her and we gave her an allowance. My mother was not happy but it had to be done.
Please note that the AMA has put out statements that this is an early sign of dementia.
I know people want to be respectful of their parents. But there are times when you need to put your foot down and treat her like a child. My sister has a very strong personality and basically bullied my mother into this. But it had to be done. She loved to be 95 and in the end we wound up having to pay for her assisted living because she had no money left. I really feel for you. Good luck.
Your mother is eleven years younger than I am and she is a relatively young woman. I was still working full time at her age.
Unfortunately you and your sister are going to have a very unpleasant conversation with her.
First of all tell her that she will not be moving in with either of you now or at any time in the future . Tell her that just has she had many happy retirement years with stepdad, you and your spouses are planning the same future. So she will be going back to her own apartment near you.
Second, tell her that you insist she get a financial counsellor to help her get her money in order. Neither of you will be financing her retirement because her addiction to over shopping will soon leave her penniless. You are willing to help her get her finances in order but you will not put in jeopardy your or your kids financial futures to bail her out from her reckless spending. Let her know that when she runs out of money she will probably end up in an apartment and part of town that she will not like.
Tell her that both the two of you and your spouses are a united front on this. Then set a date for her moving back to her apartment and tell her to let you know if and when she wants help to get her finances in order.
She isn’t going to take this well but so be it. Give her some time to stew. Let her have some time to sulk and stew and make a decision. Stand firm and just maybe she will come around.
Paragraphs are our friends.
She is most likely lonely and is using the shopping to fill that void. Does she have any friends that she can socialize with? Any other family in the area?
She needs a substitute to fulfill her shopping activities. You need to tell her that you and your husband need some “empty nest” time, and see no need for her to move in with you(disregarding her loneliness, of course) at the present time.