I had to have a lumpectomy on one of my breasts due to cancer. My husband took me to the hospital for the procedure and left to go “run errands.” I had never had this procedure done before, and finding out I had cancer was a scary thing. He said he’d be right back while they were prepping me for surgery. Once I was ready and waiting to go into surgery, the nurse asked if I wanted my husband to come sit with me until it was time to go in. I said yes, but she came back and said she couldn’t find him. I sat in the room by myself for an hour, and he still didn’t show. I went into surgery without any reassurance from him, no kiss on the cheek with an “I love you” or “everything will be okay.” It was such a lonely feeling and I was wishing that I had brought my mom with me instead. The procedure was done within an hour, and I was in the recovery room. Once my anesthesia wore off, I was awake and realized my husband STILL had not returned. At this point, I was really getting worried. The nurse said he wasn’t answering his phone, and she seemed irritated that he wasn’t there. The nurse went on to give me post surgery directions, which I was only half listening to because I was still kind of out of it, plus with my increasing worry of where the hell my husband was. The nurse comes in after a half hour and says, “sweetie, we are still trying to call him, but if he doesn’t get here soon, you won’t be able to leave. There is a big storm coming in, and this wing will be on lockdown until the storm passes.” I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I just wanted to go HOME. Ten more minutes go by and he waltzes in with a dozen roses, like he was the most thoughtful husband ever. When I asked where he was, he told me he was at the bar because he was hungry for one of their delicious burgers. I told him that I had been waiting alone throughout the whole ordeal, and that he should have been there for me. He said he was sorry and held out the roses. I told him he could take the roses and shove it, and that I was never having him come with me during a medical procedure ever again, because he SUCKED. I was getting part of my breast removed while he had a tasty burger and a beer? WTH?????? Tears streamed down my face the entire ride home.
AITAH for not accepting a dozen roses from my husband after my surgery?
r/AITAH
Comments
NTA. Not being there for you is already bad, but not even bothering to answer his phone while he knows you’re going into surgery is beyond disrespectful.
NTAH some people can really be inconsiderate I hope you recover well OP
A dozen roses can’t make up for a dozen ways he failed you when you needed him most. He left you alone, scared, and sedated for a damn burger, he can keep the flowers.
I’m so sorry that you had to deal with that. He really needed to wait until you got into the surgery before stepping out. He really needed to be answering his phone, too. What if there had been some sort of emergency and they had needed to reach him? This needs a really good apology and grovel. Even then, I would definitely be rethinking who you will call if you ever need another procedure.
I’m also sending you lots of hugs and good wishes for the cancer. That is an enormously scary thing. But I hope the news on the surgery is good and I hope that your recovery is assured.
Or he was at his mistress’s house and the roses are a guilt present.
Either way, your husband is a douche and you are 100% right to be pissed. I can’t even imagine what you were and still are going through! Finding out you have cancer is one thing but going to the surgery alone is another! I am so sorry that this happened to you and I wish you all the best!
But you need to think about your marriage and how you are going to move forward. I would not be able to forgive my husband if he did something like that. But maybe you could and maybe therapy may help. You need to be very open and honest with your husband about what he has done and how it made you feel. I know you don’t want to be on your own but maybe few days with family or friends away from him may help you think about your priorities because it doesn’t seem to me that you are your husband’s priority.
All the best and heal quick!
NTA
He went to drink and eat. The flowers were because he realized how long he had been gone. Just my two cents.
If there had been a medical emergency and he wasn’t there to give comsent to treatment….
Lady, you could have died and he wouldn’t have known.
NTA. You should be proud for telling him how you felt. Going through that alone and worried was tough but you did it. Your spouse is clueless. A burger and beer doesn’t take several hours. What the heck was he doing? I hope everything worked out for you.
NTA: when someone shows you how little they care about you and your well-being, trust me, you believe them and you don’t play it off.
Even simple surgeries come with risk and he full on made excuses and left. I’ll be honest, I wouldn’t be surprised if he planned to do this from the beginning and just figured you’d be too out of it from surgery to notice and all you’d remember is that he brought you flowers – how lovely.
He ignored his phone – he didn’t not hear it or anything. He purposefully IGNORED it. Because when someone you care about is in the middle of surgery and you cannot be there, you keep that phone with you on tenderhooks for updates.
He clearly couldn’t have cared less what happened to you, he just saw it as a couple of hours of solo leisure time.
Personally I’d have had a nurse tell him when he finally came back that there had been complications and really make him feel like shit.
Sounds like my ex off partying while I’m in the hospital having our baby after he dropped me off. What a jerk. I’m sorry for your loss of your partial breast, how awful of him
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NTA
Either hes a boneheaded idiot, or a selfish asshole. I cant imagine in a million years doing that to my wife.
I can imagine thinking I’m doin something thoughtful and fucking It up badly, but in no way can i imagine thinking hanging out at the bar while my wife is having surgery as thoughtful. Holy crap, this isn’t accidental, this is thoughtless.
This is really odd. Why wouldn’t he answer his phone? My guess is he was cheating and the flowers are to cover his guilt.
NTA. And not ok. That whole ‘sickness and in health’ thing really means this and as your husband he should have just waited. It’s a short enough procedure.
If you don’t already- DO NOT have children with this “man”.
NTA he’s thoughtless and you shouldn’t have had to go through that alone. You needed support and he chose a burger. Wishing you the best for a full recovery. I hope he has learnt an important lesson on supporting his spouse.
He… spent 3 hours… eating a burger.. in a bar.. while you went under the knife.
Yeah no. He was out fuckin
And honestly, even if he wasn’t, this is the biggest red flag to ever red flag and you should go stay with your mom while you recover and start contacting lawyers.
He should have been there with you the whole time. Staff should have told him the time the procedure would be over and to have his cell phone on and answer it. If something’s happened with the anesthesia or something, we need to be able to contact a family member.
Omg, I’m so sorry for you.
I hope he’s not doing the weaponized incompetence thing to get out of going to medical appointments with you. Cancer is a big deal. I hope you caught it early and the treatments aren’t too bad on you. NTA.
Your husband is a ginormous turd.
NTA
NTA. You mention this was some time ago. Are you still together?
He wasn’t with you at a hugely scary/upsetting moment in your life. That’s all you need to know.
I know people on Reddit jump to divorce, but divorce him
ETA nta
What he did is suspicious
NTA, you should have been his priority during this.
Btw, flowers brought like this, we call them “Heuchlerstaude” = hypocrite’s bouquet”
I’m so sorry you had to go through that alone. You’re nta, his actions were selfish and wrong.
That’s not a husband – it’s a child in an adult’s body.
You’d be better off not relying on him for anything of importance – and if that’s the case, why keep him around?
Narrator: “He didn’t go to drink and eat” ….
What if they were calling him bc something had gone wrong with your procedure? They called multiple times, he wasn’t worried to find several missed calls from the hospital, he just waltzed in?
I’m sorry to say it, but he’s got something tasty going on and it’s not a burger, babe. They’re not guilt flowers bc he doesn’t feel guilty. They’re “I came back with flowers, so you have no right to be mad flowers.”
This sounds like bullshit. The bit about the wing on lockdown until a storm passes is just silly, and an unnecessary flourish. The hospital already won’t let you leave post-anesthesia without someone to take you, because they have liability. And the husband turning off his phone is a bit far-fetched too. But such a thing really happened, then of course the guy is too hostile, dumb or crazy to be married.
YTA for not using paragraphs or complete sentences
And was he drinking beer with that bar burger and then get behind the wheel?! HE is definitely the a-hole!
NTA but why on earth are you still married to this man??
NTA. He would be on the couch forever. He showed you how much he thinks about you. You are not his priority. He is his priority.
He was gone for hours, unreachable during your surgery. Ugh, no. I can’t imagine thinking that’s okay to do.
Now I could understand sending your partner lovingly off into surgery — and then depending on how long the surgery is, running out to grab some takeout, bringing it back to the hospital, eating it in the parking lot, and being there once my partner woke up. Or alternatively, leaving the car parked and having a burger DoorDashed to me at a nearby corner. I don’t blame him for being hungry; a combination of worry and low blood sugar can make anyone irritable.
I do know of an instance where a friend’s husband was having a vasectomy, and she was told by the surgeon that it would take about an hour. So she ran across the street to a restaurant, had some coffee and breakfast, and was back in time to be at his side when he woke up.
A great many hospitals have cafeterias and flower shop in the building, so why did this guy have to leave and take at least a few hours to get lunch? Surely the hospital staff told him how long it would take, and what time he would need to be in the recovery room.
Sounds like callousness, selfishness, and poor time management at best. NTA
NTA I wouldn’t have been that nice about it.
NTA There’s another lump you need removed from your life – your husband.
NTA
Ignored Phone calls from the hospital you were having surgery in. How did he know there weren’t any complications, that you didn’t have a stroke, seizure or die on the table?
Edited to say NTA
Are you 100 percent sure he was at the pub getting a burger? Something feels off about this. Either way he’s an aashole. Seriously wtf.
NTA. I have breast cancer as well. My wife has always been with me in pre-op waiting for every surgery except one because of COVID.
It’s extremely important that your designated health care proxy can be reached by phone if they don’t hang out for the entire procedure.
Your husband sounds really clueless and he’s definitely unreliable. I’d have a talk with him about your expectations going forward.
Like, don’t leave until wife is waving goodbye from a stretcher, and being wheeled off to surgical theater. Have volume up and phone out if going to get food.
If prescriptions haven’t been picked up yet, and it’s a day procedure, when she’s actually in surgery and under anesthesia is the time to get them – as long as you can make it back in time.
If a procedure is long, it’s okay to pop out for refreshments or errands, but health proxy’s presence when wife is going in and waking up are extremely important.
Also, get the flowers delivered. That way, wife can enjoy looking at them when she’s comfortably settled at home.
Could he not just grab something to eat and bring it back?