My girlfriend (28F) and I (28M) have been together for about 4 years and live together. She has a tight-knit group of 10-15 colleagues (guys and girls, all in their 20s-30s) who love to party, go out drinking, dance, and hang out. She spends a lot of time with them, but I’m always excluded because she says they’re her friends, not mine, which I understand to some degree.
Here’s the situation: Every Tuesday, she’s out with them for drinking a beer. Every weekend (or every other at most), she’s at a house party with them until 3-4 AM, drinking and having fun. At least one night every weekend is dedicated to this group. Recently, she extended a work trip (originally just Thursday) from Tuesday to Sunday to spend 5 days partying with them, going out to clubs and drinking until 4-6 AM each night. She also mentioned they’re planning a 3-4 day group vacation next month to rent a house for more partying and hanging out.
I’ve told her I’m not super comfortable with how much time she spends with them and how I’m always left out, but she thinks I’m overreacting. I’m not trying to control her or stop her from having fun, but it feels like she prioritizes them over our relationship a lot. AITA for feeling this way? am I justified to express my concerns?
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My girlfriend (28F) and I (28M) have been together for about 4 years and live together. She has a tight-knit group of 10-15 colleagues (guys and girls, all in their 20s-30s) who love to party, go out drinking, dance, and hang out. She spends a lot of time with them, but I’m always excluded because she says they’re her friends, not mine, which I understand to some degree.
Here’s the situation: Every Tuesday, she’s out with them for drinking a beer. Every weekend (or every other at most), she’s at a house party with them until 3-4 AM, drinking and having fun. At least one night every weekend is dedicated to this group. Recently, she extended a work trip (originally just Thursday) from Tuesday to Sunday to spend 5 days partying with them, going out to clubs and drinking until 4-6 AM each night. She also mentioned they’re planning a 3-4 day group vacation next month to rent a house for more partying and hanging out.
I’ve told her I’m not super comfortable with how much time she spends with them and how I’m always left out, but she thinks I’m overreacting. I’m not trying to control her or stop her from having fun, but it feels like she prioritizes them over our relationship a lot. AITA for feeling this way? am I justified to express my concerns?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> believe I might be the asshole because I expressed discomfort to my girlfriend about her spending so much time partying with her colleagues and excluding me, which might come across as controlling or clingy. I told her it bothers me that she prioritizes these hangouts and extended trips with them over our time together, but she thinks I’m overreacting. I worry I might be wrong for trying to limit her social life or for feeling insecure about her having fun without me, especially since she says they’re just her friends. Her reaction made me question if I’m being unfair or unreasonable by voicing my concerns, and I might be the asshole for not fully respecting her independence.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Bro this is not your girlfriend. Abandon this manipulation. You sound like a door mat.
LOL get out of that relationship.
Dosent sounds like your gf to me.
You’re being discarded and treaded as a second priority easily.
Instead of trying to include you into her circle, she downplays and make you feel like the bad guy for trying to be included.
Idk some might say it’s to hide things or so, but regardless, you’re not being treated as a partner should
Id just salvage what little self respect I have and leave, unless youre open to marry someone whom would treat you as a second option.
NTA. I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with having a friend’s outside of a relationship. It can be a healthy way to blow off steam and have a break. It sounds like this group of friends is her main interest and hobby though. And it sounds like it’s becoming so omnipresent that it’s affecting the rest of her life. How much time does she spend with them compared to quality time with you? How often is she completely written off from the night before that you can’t do anything meaningful in the time that you have together? I think it’s really important to have an outlet and I definitely have friends separate from my significant other. But I make sure that anytime I spend with them is balanced by time that I give to my significant other. It sounds like she’s not doing anything meaningful to advance your relationship or include you in any way. Her head and heart is elsewhere and she needs to grow up.
Is she ashamed of you or something? What this woman doing?
I’d bounce
NTA. Do you guys do anything together?I assume it she is out to 3am Sat nights you don’t do much on the Sundays and both work weekdays and have things to do like chords on weekday evenings she’s not out? You sound like flat mates and not partners. There is nothing wrong with her having her own friends and doing this be with them but this is a bit too much
NTA. You’ve already made it clear to her that it makes you uncomfortable. I understand not wanting to come off as controlling. But there’s a difference between telling your girlfriend that she has to stay home with you because you aren’t invited, and telling her that you feel uncomfortable that you feel left out when she’s always out with friends/partying and her continuing to brush it off. I’d leave.
NTA
Have you ever met these people? Do they know you exist? Imo 10-15 is not a close knit group. It’s impossible to be close to 15 people. Ask her how she sees your relationship and how she sees the future of the two of you.
Does she know you are uncomfortable with all of this? Talk with her. If she is not willing to change things and that’s not what you are looking for in a partner, then leave.