My boyfriend (35M) and I(27F) have been together for a year and a half now. We have had a pretty healthy relationship. We have the occasional disagreements but we very seldom argue and normally are very good communicators with each other. Today we were driving down the road and normally when we go over this large bump, he puts his arm across my chest because I almost always come out of my seat. Well we hit this bump and he never put his arm out over me like normal so I jokingly point it out. He starts saying how he was distracted and it’s deer season so he was paying attention to the road. I then say, “well damn. You’re making me feel all bad and stuff when I was just kidding around.” He then stares straight ahead at the road and says the phrase, “I’m not responsible for your feelings.”
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This is something that he’s said to me a few times over the last several months. I am not sure how to approach him about how it makes me feel because I am afraid I will be met with the same comment. I understand that I am responsible for my feelings and actions but I feel like this comment is inconsiderate.
Like many women, I got out of a narcissistic relationship about two and a half years ago, and I am not sure if I am just overthinking this phrase and being too sensitive or what. I would really appreciate feedback on how to approach him about this or just anyone’s thoughts on it in general. Thanks!!
TL;DR : my boyfriend started saying “I’m not responsible for your feelings,” to me recently and I don’t know how to take it. Am I overthinking it? How do I approach him about this?
Comments
You’re not overthinking it. That comment can feel dismissive, especially when you’re just joking or being open. It’s fair to expect your partner to care about how his words affect you. You’re not too sensitive you’re just asking for basic emotional respect.
You’re right that everyone is responsible for their own emotions, but in a close relationship you also try to be considerate of how your words land. “I’m not responsible for your feelings” can come across as dismissive when you’re joking or being vulnerable. The next time it comes up, bring it up in a calm moment. Use “I” statements, like “When you say you’re not responsible for my feelings, I feel brushed off.” Ask him what he means when he says it and explain that you aren’t asking him to manage your feelings, just to acknowledge them. There is a difference between not controlling someone else’s feelings and not caring about them. If he doubles down or refuses to listen, that tells you a lot about how he views your needs. You deserve a partner who respects your feelings even when he disagrees.
Nope, you are not being too sensitive. While this might be literally true if you want to intellectually debate who holds responsibility for a feeling, emotionally mature people don’t say this to the people they love – they would say something loving, like sorry and if they could protect you from every bump they would.
I would approach him by asking what’s happening in him when he says this, and what he wants you to do when he says this. I expect what’s really hapenning (and he will be unable to articulate it) is that he is afraid of how he feels when you have complicated feelings / how he feels when he thinks he has let you down, and he wants you to pretend your feelings aren’t happening.
Very out of context – usually it’s ‘i’m not responsible for your happiness’ – which is more how you project yourself. Feelings are the most important link between you and him. What else is there to bond you together besides feelings?
Tell him – when you feel down or need some encouragement its his responsibility to step up and mend your feelings. When you feel hurt, its his responsibility to communicate with you and not stonewall you. Bottom line feelings are the reason you are with him and thus its in his best interest to ‘care’
that comment is the sign of trouble ahead. he just told you what he thinks and that will come in to play many times in the future with him.
Looks like he was asking for advice on reddit and learnt this from his other misogynist bro‘s.
He is. Quite Simply. He vowed to your well being, and you to his.
This is a very disturbing statement. Talk about it with family maybe for support.
tbh, For real! That line’s straight outta the “How to be a jerk” handbook. Time for a heart-to-heart with him!!
I guess he feels tired constantly caring about your emotions. I guess it was too much for him. But now he’s just rude, that’s not acceptable.
I think it could be “making me feel bad” I think it’s phrasing, saying “when you say/do this I feel this” is a better way to phrase it.
Have a talk with him about it and try to phrase things differently. Sometimes it’s just simple things like this.
My suggestion would be to take more ownership of your feelings and stop blaming him for them, because he’s right, he’s not responsible for them (as in is not to blame for them). Don’t accuse him of making you feel a certain way. He is not in charge of your emotions.
He isn’t responsible for your feelings, but he is responsible for his behaviors, including his choice of words and his attitude. If those things generate feelings of unease or a lack of safety, he will not be responsible for your decision to kick his toxic ass to the curb, but he will begin to realize that karma is less forgiving than he thought—despite his feelings about it.