I bit of context I’m (25)m and my mother and I have never really got along, because of choices she’s made my siblings and I kind of resent her. We have all grown up and moved out, so my mother’s relationship with us improved simply because she’s misses us. However recently she suffered a stroke and her mind is kind of not the same, she doesn’t remeber things. Recently her birthday came around and my siblings and I spent the whole weekend with her going to festivals, pumpkin picking, and all around spending time with her. When we return home she pulled me aside in tears because non of us got her a birthday card she said how non of us care about her. I bite my tongue because my mother’s mind isn’t there but I can’t help but feel bitter. AITA?
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I bit of context I’m (25)m and my mother and I have never really got along, because of choices she’s made my siblings and I kind of resent her. We have all grown up and moved out, so my mother’s relationship with us improved simply because she’s misses us. However recently she suffered a stroke and her mind is kind of not the same, she doesn’t remeber things. Recently her birthday came around and my siblings and I spent the whole weekend with her going to festivals, pumpkin picking, and all around spending time with her. When we return home she pulled me aside in tears because non of us got her a birthday card she said how non of us care about her. I bite my tongue because my mother’s mind isn’t there but I can’t help but feel bitter. AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action to be judged is me not getting my mother a birthday card. The action might make me an asshole because it’s my mother and she feels neglected because of me not doing it
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
First of all, your mother is not entitled to a good relationship with her children when you’re all adults if she treated you badly as children. Sh*t happens, and no parent is perfect, but way too many crappy parents think they can mend a relationship with their adult children after literally traumatizing them for most of their childhood. Her memory loss doesn’t mean yours has gone anywhere, or that your memories don’t still influence your perception of your mother. This may sound cruel, but I’m also in full support of people cutting off parents for moral or personal mental health reasons, and people can take that however they like.
On the other hand, I can be sympathetic to health conditions. If she doesn’t remember, it might be in your best interest to have a conversation with her about WHY you all treat her like you do. Since you’re still doing things with her, I assume you still want a relationship with her…right? As an adult, and given the circumstances, it’s now up to you if the issues in the past will continue to drive a rift between you and your mother. I don’t think either decision makes you a bad person, but I also don’t think it’s okay to continue to have a rocky relationship with her if she doesn’t understand why your relationship is like that. Communication is key. Overall, you should at least try to be honest with her if you continue to have a relationship with her.
So, (tentatively) I’m going to say NAH. Seems like too complicated a situation to suggest anyone is the AH.
YTA, she doesn’t remember things so getting a birthday card is a visual memory for her. Photographs , letters and cards were very helpful to my mum in her last years. It helped with her memory or sometimes it was as if it just arrived. Bitter is a strong word, to me it suggests you are holding resentment towards her.
NAH
Sounds like your mom was not a great mom, so it was a really nice effort on you and your siblings’ part to give her a really nice weekend celebration.
It seems unappreciative on her part to then cry about not getting a card. But you know that (1) she is having cognitive issues following her stroke and (2) she is specifically having memory issues.
It’s possible your mom complained because that’s consistent with her life-long nature of poor interactions with you kids… that would make it natural for you to be more sensitive to her complaint.
But I encourage you and your siblings to take it as a actually a good pointer to what kind of gifts will give her more happiness. It’s not like a card is a big ask monetarily or effort wise. But a card is something she can look at and recognize and remember on her good days. Even during her bad memory moments, she’ll know that someone gave her something nice. And then when good memory moments return, she remember that it was you/your siblings who gave her something nice.
I’m sorry for the tough stuff you and your siblings went through and how tricky it can be to navigate supporting your mom these days.
NAH. Though I’d be tempted to say that, in light of her questionable child-rearing practices, she should be happy with what she got, the sad fact is that – as you note – she’s suffered a severe mental impairment due to her stroke. In that case, her focus on an old-school symbol of being remembered is understandable simply because that is, in all likelihood, what she associates with being remembered on one’s birthday. Hence, her upset is understandable. == You and your sibs, on the other hand, went way above the call of duty by taking her out for the weekend.
NTA. It sounds like you and your siblings went above and beyond for your mother on her birthday despite the resentment and past trauma. However, you know your mother suffers with memory loss so giving her something physical like a card alongside the weekend celebrations would have allowed her to remember she is loved and cared for even if she forgets what you all did that weekend.
NTA but an oversight on your side.