My (37F) fiancé (35M) has his bucks party this weekend. Will be 18 guys including some friends flying in from interstate, mostly guys in their mid 30s and some older like his dad and uncles.
The main issue is about strippers. I have expressly told him how much it makes me uncomfortable and that I would prefer for that not to be something that occurred. He has essentially said that it’s out of his control and is basically at the mercy of the guys organising it. I think this response is pretty immature and basic.
Anyhoo with it fast approaching it is really giving me doubts about whether this is even someone I should be marrying if they would disregard my feelings like this. I am wondering if I should contact the guys organising the Bucks directly and let them know that if they have private strippers at the air bnb then I will seriously probably call off the wedding.
I can’t tell if I’m being too deep about this. So AITA?
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My (37F) fiancé (35M) has his bucks party this weekend. Will be 18 guys including some friends flying in from interstate, mostly guys in their mid 30s and some older like his dad and uncles.
The main issue is about strippers. I have expressly told him how much it makes me uncomfortable and that I would prefer for that not to be something that occurred. He has essentially said that it’s out of his control and is basically at the mercy of the guys organising it. I think this response is pretty immature and basic.
Anyhoo with it fast approaching it is really giving me doubts about whether this is even someone I should be marrying if they would disregard my feelings like this. I am wondering if I should contact the guys organising the Bucks directly and let them know that if they have private strippers at the air bnb then I will seriously probably call off the wedding.
I can’t tell if I’m being too deep about this. So AITA?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
No one is an asshole here. Strippers at a bachelor party is a tradition as old as time. You may not like it but I also,don’t think it is worth major drama.
This may be on old fashioned and out of date opinion, so I am fully prepared to be downvoted to hades.
If you’re willing to call off your wedding over strippers at a stag party, you probably should not be getting married in the first place.
You are allowed to have boundaries.
The issue isn’t the strippers for me. It’s that you told him it really makes you uncomfortable and he doesn’t care.
NTA
Hopefully you tell your BF that you are planning to contact his buddies so he can be the one to end this relationship. He definitely should not be marrying you if you think he is immature and basic! YTA You are not compatible. You do not know their will even be strippers at all let alone private strippers at the AirBB.
YTA, if you don’t trust your husband to be, then you should not be marrying them. Honestly, I am not a huge fan of strippers, but when push comes to shove and I trust my husband to be, I would just let them have their fun.
wtf is a bucks party
Don’t use credit.
NTA. If you don’t want him to have strippers at his bachelor party that’s a fair way to feel and if he respected that, then he would tell his friends not to hire a stripper. Really that simple. You should honestly tell him that, because it’s not out of his hands. He can absolutely say “no” to them.
ESH a little to me. Your fiancé should either tell you he really wants strippers there or talk to his friends about keeping the party stripper-free. Passing it off as out of his control is a bit silly. On the other hand, you need to communicate with him. If it’s a large enough issue that you would consider calling off the wedding, you need to sit your fiancé down and make sure he understands how important this is to you and that it would make you question the entire relationship. Then, you can have a conversation about why each of you feels the way you do. Definitely don’t contact his friends, this is not their problem. Your fiancé should feel comfortable telling them he has boundaries and you should certainly feel comfortable telling him yours.
NTA – It’s about respect, if he doesn’t have any for you don’t marry him.
You haven’t ruined his party, so I’m not sure what you’re asking. Are you asking if you’d be the asshole if you called his friends and told them no strippers? Yes, you would be, because that’s not your job. Your job is to express your wishes to your husband, and his job is to decide whether or not he’s willing to accommodate your wishes. His friends have no obligation to you.
The idea that he has no control over whether or not there are strippers is bullshit. He could easily tell his friends, “Hey guys, no strippers.”
I personally would have no problem with strippers, but that’s my relationship with my husband. You get to decide what behavior you need from him.
YTA. It sounds like you are either insecure or have trust issues. Either way, you should work on that before considering getting married.
Don’t tell his friends, tell him.
Give his this ultimatum so he knows who he’s marrying.
YTA.
You should tell your fiance that. And the sooner the better. If you let it go until the last minute, YWBTA. If you take it up with his friends instead of him…YWBTA.
If he knows you will call the wedding off over it and is unable to call up his friends and say, “I know these things often have strippers but that is off the table, can’t happen, my fiancee is uncomfortable with it so it’s a no-go,” he is not mature enough to be married. If it really is that serious for you, own it.
YTA
Going behind your fiancé’s back to give his friends an ultimatum (“I am wondering if I should contact the guys organising the Bucks directly and let them know that if they have private strippers at the air bnb then I will seriously probably call off the wedding.”) is an AH thing to do.
It sounds like you don’t trust your fiancé.. in which case, you shouldn’t be getting married.
I’d say NAH ; you’re not the AH for being uncomfortable with it & he isn’t quite the AH for rolling with whatever his buds decide.
However, this and similar conflicts is the reason we’ll be celebrating together, not separated. Neither of us is interested in strippers or celebrating the upcoming wedding without the respective partner present – but that’s just us.
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NTA-That’s your boundary enforce it AND if it’s not respected, call off the wedding.
YTA – it’s ridiculous to make your decision about whether you marry this guy or call it off depend on whether his mates hire strippers. This marriage is between you and him.
If you want to dump him because he doesn’t take you seriously enough to tell his mates to make the party stripper-free then that’s perfectly valid – you’d be basing the decision on his own (in)action.
But deciding the course of the rest of your life based on the whim of his mates is crazy – you might as well flip a coin.
Imagine they try to hire a stripper but leave it too late and the local ones are booked up, or let’s say they book one but the stripper cancels at the last minute because they’re off sick – that means you getting married because a stripper you don’t know got a cold.
That’s no way to make a decision like that.
My best friend had a fiancé like you. He’s single now.
Your problem is your fiancé, not the friends.
No Judgement.
Personally, I would be right there with him with the strippers, if I hadn’t long ago taken him to a strip club on my own already.
They are strippers, not hookers.
However, since you have expressed that you don’t want strippers at his party because of how it makes you feel, he should be more amenable to you and instead he has just completely dismissed your feelings.
If his dad, brother, and other male family members are going to be there, if any of them have wives, maybe ask the wives, privately, how they have dealt with male only parties that have strippers.
Don’t blast anyone in public, but asking your husband to be’s mom how she deals with her husband and sons going to stripper parties my ensure it doesn’t happen if they are opposed to it as well.
If a group of grown men needs strippers to “mark the end of freedom,” that says more about them — and him — than it does about you. Marriage should feel like a privilege, not a punishment.
Ultimately, here is the point: marrying you should feel to him like an honor, not a loss. If that’s not how he feels, then you have some thinking to do about your future.
NTA.
YTA . Going behind his back like this is not good. Just dump him if you are this bothered.
You’ve stated you don’t want them. It’s a boundary and looks like he’s willing to cross it… he will cross many more during your marriage.
I said absolutely no strippers for my hubby’s stag, and you know what… he respected me and told all the guys no strippers. It wasn’t a big deal. He’s marrying me and not them.
Has just hung yo do with ‘letting him’ or you being ‘insecure’ as some may say. Why can’t women NOT want other naked women grinding on their men and the men touching them?? It’s cheating once you take title of stripper out of it…
NTA, if I were you, I’d rethink marrying this guy.
NTA. It’s really less about the strippers and more about him disregarding your feelings. Do you trust your fiancé? I’m going to infer probably, but you feel uncomfortable with the idea of him being around almost naked women who will likely be paid to dance up on him and definitely in front of him in a sexual manner. That’s fair.
Yes, strippers is a very “classic” and “stereotypical” bachelor/buck party activity, but imo it’s super outdated and disrespectful. I asked my husband to not have strippers at his bach/buck party and he was totally okay with that. He didn’t want them anyway, but promised to shut the idea down if it came up. He’s been to bach/buck parties before where strippers came (spur of the moment, not planned sort of thing) and he didn’t interact with them while they danced and “entertained” and even went to a different room (with several other guys, I might add). I 100% trust him not to do anything compromising, but the idea of others putting him in a compromising position (ie. Paying for one to give him a lap dance) was not okay with me.
Before hard calling off your engagement, try to have a productive sit-down conversation with him. Tell him that you trust him, but the thought of the whole thing makes you uncomfortable. Don’t go in with accusations and hurt over things that haven’t happened yet, but really try to tell him how you feel. If he goes through with it anyway and, worse, tries to hide it from you, then I’d say you are well within your rights to leave the relationship.
Info: have you told HIM that you would call off the wedding if there are strippers?? Because if you haven’t even communicated how deeply this affects you outside of “it bothers me” he may not even realize how badly this is hurting you.
For the love of god, communicate
NTA but you don’t need to contact his friends. This should be entirely on your fiance. If he’s not willing to stand up to his friends or he’s willing to use them to excuse his bad behavior then you completely need to rethink this marriage.
NTA. You communicated a healthy boundary. Your fiancé could tell his friends no stripper, but he doesn’t want to
I wouldn’t tell his friends though because he’s truly is your husband who is choosing to have the strippers. That is a red flag that he wants them even though he knows it makes you uncomfortable
NTA
I would call off the wedding too. I completely understand where you are coming from.
Here’s what’s gonna happen.
He’s gonna cancel it or his friends will at your request and it will annoy him but he will do it for you.
at the same that it makes you uncomfortable he’s gonna wonder why you have that little faith or confidence in him to go to something like that and see it for just the show that it is rather than a comment on you or a greater comment about strip clubs.
Five years from now you will be happily married still
And wonder why you ever cared about something so trivial because you love him and trust him and the marriage is working out great.
and he will remember that even at something like his bachelor party you didn’t give Him any agency but he will just push it down and swallow it.
But you will both wonder why something that has been part of the bachelor party experience for more than a century was a point of friction and you will realize that with age comes maturity and an understanding about when to pick your battles and that in the scheme of things this is a really really minor thing to let your future husband do this
Even though at this point even if it goes forward it will ruin it for him anyway because this is such an issue for you and that will be in the back of his mind.
If neither of you can respect each other’s reasonable boundaries, then you should not be getting married.
YTA
You clearly don’t trust him
NTA, but I would not call his friends/family members about this inquiring if there will be strippers present. It will come off as controlling, and even if that isn’t your angle it will almost without a doubt seem like this. This will make you the potential AH in their eyes.
This is something for you and him to speak about privately, he should be able to talk to those organizing it and say no. The very first time you said that you were uncomfortable with it he could have ended your concerns right then and there, and said he will speak to those organizing it and he didn’t. I guess the argument on his behalf is that “it isn’t a big deal”, and many might not see it as one. For me, it wouldn’t bug me but I would 100% respect the opinion of anyone who is uncomfortable with it.
My advice is, once you’re in the right headspace to do so, talk to him again about it and really that’s all you can do.
*edited a typo
ESH. You probably shouldn’t marry someone who doesn’t have enough backbone to tell his mates/family “no strippers.” And clearly he doesn’t really think the strippers are a problem or else he would have proactively done something.
Do you really want this dynamic to be the rest of your life?
NTA
You are within your right to feel uncomfortable with him around strippers, and it certainly IS under his control because he could flat out tell his friends “no strippers”. If he cares about your feelings he will make that clear to his friends
I wouldn’t contact the organizers. But the reality is your fiance COULD set boundaries with his friends IF he wanted to. This is a party for HIM. He is the guest of honor and his wishes should be taken into consideration. He can also choose to leave if strippers attend.
This may be a fundamental difference between you two. Is this something you’re willing to leave him over? Is it strippers in general? Is it lap dancers? Is it the risk of more happening? The question is why do you view strippers so badly? And set boundaries around that that you are willing to have real consequences for.
NTA – But call the best man or whoever is organizing the weekend.
The biggest job of the best man, though it is not written, is to make sure nothing happens on the stag that will threaten any relationships. Express your concerns. In my case, it was keeping my hands to myself, though I was dragged on stage by 3 girls, tied to a chair, tantalized, then had a pitcher of ice water doused on my crotch. My wife laughed her head off when she heard about it.
2 parts:
YTA. Clearly you have no idea how these parties work. If your partner says “my fiancée has banned strippers” they’ll book two. Just trust that he’ll sit there awkwardly for a few minutes while a bored stripper phones it in, then he’ll go have a beer while his buddies give him a bit of stick.
ESH. Going behind his back is not a good idea, but he needs to grow up and tell whoever’s planning the party not to hire strippers. And make sure you’ve told him directly that you will call off the wedding if he allows strippers at his bachelor party.