I (34F) had two work events overseas and planned to travel for two weeks between them. One of my closest friends, Marie (43F), lives nearby, so we were talking about traveling together. I also have a situationship with Adam (32M) who lives around and I wanted to see him while I was there.
I’d stay a few nights at Marie’s before traveling, and while Adam checked if he could take time off, she told me to do my thing. When I got to her city, she said her passport had expired and a new one would take a week, but I could stay at her place while we waited. I was cool with it because I wanted to spend time with her.
Marie started complaining: the emergency passport was expensive (though she didn’t accept when I offered to help), she’d have to pause some projects, and a 4 day trip didn’t make sense financially. I felt she didn’t really want to go, so I said it was ok if she didn’t. She agreed it was a bit much but said she still wanted to travel, but later that they she seemed excited about me spending more time with Adam and even said that if he found a way to travel for longer, she’d insist I go.
The next day Adam called saying he could take the entire week off. I was thrilled and agreed. When I told Marie, I thought she’d be happy for me, but she got very sad. She said Adam deciding last minute wasn’t cool and that I was abandoning her for a guy. I said I was confused since I’d already stayed an extra week with her, but she asked if she could just be sad about it. I said of course, but was it ok if I was happy? That was the tipping point and she ran to her bedroom. I apologized and asked her to come back, which she did as long as we changed the subject. We talked awkwardly for a bit and she went to bed early.
The next day she was distant but said she was fine, just tired. It felt like she was hiding from me in her own bedroom, so I decided to give her space, packed a backpack, and told her I’d sleep at a friend’s. That evening she texted asking if I’d take the rest of my stuff because she wanted to sleep. I was confused and felt like she wanted me out asap, so I asked if it was ok to pick it up the next day, and she agreed.
When I came back, she wasn’t home. I took my stuff, left her keys, booked a place for the rest of the week, and she didn’t reply to my messages trying to reconcile at first. Later she said she was happy for me but had “learned something” when I “ran away”. She didn’t want to meet before I left and has been distant since.
She says I’m the one who needs space, which puts me in a weird position because I don’t, but I also don’t want to force things. I don’t think I’ve done something worth ending a good friendship over, but her strong reaction makes me wonder if I really was the asshole.
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I (34F) had two work events overseas and planned to travel for two weeks between them. One of my closest friends, Marie (43F), lives nearby, so we were talking about traveling together. I also have a situationship with Adam (32M) who lives around and I wanted to see him while I was there.
I’d stay a few nights at Marie’s before traveling, and while Adam checked if he could take time off, she told me to do my thing. When I got to her city, she said her passport had expired and a new one would take a week, but I could stay at her place while we waited. I was cool with it because I wanted to spend time with her.
Marie started complaining: the emergency passport was expensive (though she didn’t accept when I offered to help), she’d have to pause some projects, and a 4 day trip didn’t make sense financially. I felt she didn’t really want to go, so I said it was ok if she didn’t. She agreed it was a bit much but said she still wanted to travel, but later that they she seemed excited about me spending more time with Adam and even said that if he found a way to travel for longer, she’d insist I go.
The next day Adam called saying he could take the entire week off. I was thrilled and agreed. When I told Marie, I thought she’d be happy for me, but she got very sad. She said Adam deciding last minute wasn’t cool and that I was abandoning her for a guy. I said I was confused since I’d already stayed an extra week with her, but she asked if she could just be sad about it. I said of course, but was it ok if I was happy? That was the tipping point and she ran to her bedroom. I apologized and asked her to come back, which she did as long as we changed the subject. We talked awkwardly for a bit and she went to bed early.
The next day she was distant but said she was fine, just tired. It felt like she was hiding from me in her own bedroom, so I decided to give her space, packed a backpack, and told her I’d sleep at a friend’s. That evening she texted asking if I’d take the rest of my stuff because she wanted to sleep. I was confused and felt like she wanted me out asap, so I asked if it was ok to pick it up the next day, and she agreed.
When I came back, she wasn’t home. I took my stuff, left her keys, booked a place for the rest of the week, and she didn’t reply to my messages trying to reconcile at first. Later she said she was happy for me but had “learned something” when I “ran away”. She didn’t want to meet before I left and has been distant since.
She says I’m the one who needs space, which puts me in a weird position because I don’t, but I also don’t want to force things. I don’t think I’ve done something worth ending a good friendship over, but her strong reaction makes me wonder if I really was the asshole.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Even though I feel like it would be ok given the circumstances, I think I might be TA because I cancelled a trip that we had been talking about for a couple of weeks, and it made one of my best friends to take distance from me
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Whatever else Marie has going on, she wanted you to choose her over you. She’s mad that after all of her “problems” you still chose you over just giving up anything else you had planned and staying with her.
NTA. Marie sounds really dramatic and like she expected you to read her mind.
NTA, her reaction was completely out of left field and childish, is this a common way for her to react? I would distance yourself from her for now, shes clearly dealing with some personal issues perhaps insecurities.
I’m confused by her mixed messages. She said all this The 4 day trip didn’t make sense, her passport expired, said you should spend more time with Adam. Then when you go on your own, she gets miffed about that. You end up in a hotel because she doesn’t want to see you before you leave.
You’re not clairvoyant so how were you supposed to know what she really wanted. Let this friendship chill a bit then try to talk withher again. Leave it up to her, but only if she can be honest and explain what happened.
NTA. Marie pushed you away, and then tried to project her feelings on you. She “needed space” because she was hurt that you were continuing your journey with Adam. She made a decision not to check or renew her passport despite knowing you were coming. It sounds like her decision may have been financially based, but she then expected you to forego your trip because she couldn’t go. You didn’t abandon her, nor did you run away.
The text for you to get your stuff because she wanted to sleep made it clear; your stuff wasn’t preventing her from sleeping. She was trying to manipulate you into coming back to her house and abandoning your friends. It sounds like Marie didn’t appreciate you spending time with anyone besides her. Now, she’s sulking and punishing you. I’ll bet if you stop replying to her, she’ll start chatting you up again. Abuse patterns are always the same, and she is emotionally abusive. She’s a decade older than you, and comes across as clingy and insecure. You didn’t end this friendship, you outgrew it. I’m sorry, because it hurts to lose connection with someone you love. 😔
NTA
I would just leave one last message telling her that you are really confused by what she has been telling you lately.
“Space is probably a good thing for a while – to let you both sort out feelings and perspectives. But you hope you can both talk and clear the air at a later date.”
You need to be free to enjoy your vacation time and your work trip. You also need a chance to be clear in your mind about the events. I don’t know if this her normal dynamic, if you are often the one to apologize.
I do know you need to be very clear in your mind what you do NOT need to apologize for… because – unless
She has an epiphany – she may still blame you for everything. You don’t need to cater to that.
Maybe she is going through something; maybe she this just her. But none of it is your responsibility.
What an exhausting person. It sounds like she was playing some strange game in her head where you were “supposed” to whisk her off on a whirlwind all expenses paid girls trip just you and her, and maybe for a night or two leave her in the hotel room to go hook up with your boy, and all of the words she said had no truth value whatsoever, she was just playing the role she wanted like she thinks she’s in a movie, of the reluctant ingenue who can’t be seen to acknowledge wanting anything and is narratively rewarded for this by being given everything. And every time you did not comply with this vision, because you are a human person and not a movie script, she got more upset.
(NTA, obviously, and also I kind of doubt she’s ever really been your friend. She’s just seen it as aesthetically correct for her vision of herself to have a “best friend” who is like you.)
NTA. Your female friend sounds like hard work.