For context I (27F) and my husband (29M) have been married for little over a year now. But we’ve been together since 6 years.
He is the healthiest relationship I’ve been in so far and he is by no means a “red flag” for the lack of a better word.
He is sometimes very lazy and I’ve communicated to him a lot of times that he needs to put in more effort in that area.
So yesterday, as soon as we came back from work I asked if we can order something to eat as I was hungry. He said he won’t the food up as he wanted to relax. Mind you that it would take atleast 1 hour before the delivery would be made. We live in a 4 story house on the 4th floor and there no lift so I understand his reluctance to go.
I agreed with him and started to munch on some snacks.
20mins in and he constantly started telling me to order something and that he’d go get it. I kept telling him that I did not want to anymore and that it’s okay. I was genuinely not angry or upset at him.
But then he started saying things like “what you’re doing is not right” and “don’t behave this way” and “you shouldn’t be this stubborn”
Now this triggered me and I stepped out of our room to go sit in the terrace by myself to calm down as Ik I can say pretty harsh things when I’m angry.
I came down after a while and by this time my husband was sleeping.
Right after he woke up, he started pestering me to order again and started saying the same things over and over.
I got super angry and I said a few mean things to him and attacked him personally.
The fight got really heated and even though he tried to deescalate the situation, I may have taken it ahead by not responding to him or stone walling him.
At this point we’re both crying and started saying things like he feels like killing himself bc he’s not able to keep me happy.
End of the day we did not really resolve anything and now im sitting at work typing this, feeling shitty as hell and wondering why a small argument turned into such a big mess.
I feel absolutely horrible for the things I said to him as I knew it would hurt him and I said it deliberately.
How do I make this right? I dont know if just apologising would work as I want to solve the issue instead of just sweeping it under the rug.
Any support is appreciated.
Comments
Hey it’s okay, reach out to him and do your part in apologizing. Tell him you love him deeply and that it’s all gonna be alright, it’s so easy to get worked up over these things but that you and him are perfect for each other and that he makes you happy.
When you see him just hug him. Don’t say anything just walk up to him with your arms open and eyes full of water and hug him. He might be mad and say things just don’t fight him tell him you’re sorry. My wife does this and I melt.
So you’re resentful he isn’t working and it came out because he decided to “fix” and assumed issue and you are wanting instructions on communication? I am going to say what is shared isn’t red flag free. He should be able to believe you about what you tell him you think and feel and exploding says there’s a lot more going on. Red flags are not by themselves deal breakers and proof of someone being the worst but they are problems that need to be figured out together. You exploding is also one. I say this because I think sometimes people worry about red flags without the whole thing and can skip working on issues because acknowledging them feels like confirmation of Red flags. It’s actually a green flag though. Apologizing is a place to start but you may want to consider couples counseling for the things that you did not tell us are wrong. That’s valid but neither set of behaviors speaks to active communication right now and that is a symptom of other stuff.
All couples have struggles. How we argue can define how we experience joy too