My boyfriend (24m) and I (27f) got into it kinda bad. It was a screaming fight that ended with me aggressivly telling him to leave me alone and I storm off to the bedroom and he’s following me, he knows that bothers me. I notice him following me and get instantly frustrated because I legit mean leave me alone for a min. So I also aggressively tried to slam the bedroom door and that was my only intention, not even to really slam the door, maybe a little, I’m mad, I’m sorry. But that was it. I notice the door hit some part of him. It wasn’t. My. Intention. To. Hit. Him… But I noticed and he just storms off for a minute. After a couple mins he’s running back in. He’s done went out to the shed and punched the ground, he winds up with a boxers fracture. That was a couple months ago. Today we argue some about issues, and this pops up from him asking me if I take any blame for him hurting his hand. I didn’t force him to punch nothing. I take blame for my actions of slamming the door ultimately hitting him in what turned out to be his forehead .. which in return is why he went and punched the floor. I felt and do still feel horrible the door hit him. But I can’t take blame for that?? I didn’t force him to make that action. He’s always really anxious about his hand not growing back right and things of the nature as well as sports and such. Maybe he’s needing someone to blame for that?
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So y’all are toxic.
Try agreeing on a safe word. Whenever one of you says this word, it means you think you’re getting into a situation where one of you needs time away from the other. Decide how much time and any other logistics, like can you be in the same room just not talking or do you need walls and a door between you.
It’s not a quick fix, but if you give it a go for a month or two, you may be able to begin discussing the more serious underlying issues.
You aren’t responsible for his actions. Only your actions. You didn’t cause him or make him punch something because the door hit him in the forehead.
Your closing the door shouldn’t have been impeded by him at all. That’s aggressive on his part, not giving you space to process and regulate your emotions.
Apologize only for your part. But, I would stare, I’m sorry that your attempt to prevent me from closing my door resulted in any injuries. I’m not sorry for closing the door, however, and expecting you to honor my boundaries.
You slam the door, so angry that you didn’t know you hit his head? This “relationship” needs to end and you need to get help. If not one or both of you are going to end up in jail.
You’re not responsible for his actions.
You two sound awful for each other, though.
You are both responsible for how you control your emotions. It doesn’t matter your intention.
Not your fault he punched something. Like, huh?? This is the guy who will punch you next and then also ask you to take blame for it.
This is not a healthy relationship.
At all
You said you needed to be alone. He didn’t do that. Instead he stomped all over your consent and followed you. Then because he can’t control his temper like an adult, he punched something and hurt himself. If he is STILL trying to blame you rather than trying to get some anger management under his belt, then you have a bigger problem.
Whatever you fault was in the argument, (and I am sure there was some) you tried to remove yourself from a heated situation. Slamming a door is not great. You need to work on your anger too. But that had nothing to do with him stupidly deciding to challenge the laws of physics.
Apologize for yelling and for the door. He should apologize for yelling and following you, and then also for blaming you for his temper.
Perhaps you two are not suited for each other. Loving each other is not the same as being good for each other.
You two are not good together. You are attempting to manage your frustration by leaving and having some cool down time and he doesn’t respect that at all. You ended up hitting him with a door. He manages his emotions by punching things. He is 100% responsible for his lack of regulation.
One of you is going to end up hurt and the other in jail. Probably you hurt, him in jail but it could go the other way too.
Find someone else.
Unless you hack into his brain and force him against his will to do something, his action is not your responsibility.
Choosing to slam the door and accidentally hitting him is a different story though, but if it was genuinely an accident it’s easier to forgive.
The entirety of our relationship? Or this incident?
Hey, you don’t ever need to learn to take blame. You don’t need blame. Nobody does.
I want to send you some love, kid. You’re not a bad person, nor is he. But your relationship isn’t safe or healthy. (I hope you don’t mind me calling you kid, I’m older, I’m taking the risk)
And what you do need to do, is learn to take responsibility. Different than blame.
Here’s how I see the difference:
Blame
Someone is mad at you, and so you have to accept that you are bad (are a bad decision maker, a bad partner, bad for them, bad for yourself, etc)
Responsibility
Response-ability, the ability to respond. Responding to things that are under your control. You control what you feel and what you do about your feelings. You do NOT control how other people feel or what they do about their feelings.
Eg.
“I’m responsible for making my sister cry because I hit her” NO. You are responsible for learning how to not hit your sister in the future, and for making amends in the meantime.
This makes more sense when you realise that hitting your sister is equally bad whether or not she’s able to cry about it.
So you need to respond to the things around you, to him, to your own emotions. The better you get at responding, the better your life will be! You can absolutely learn from a decision you feel went badly. You can learn from someone telling you that you hurt them. You can learn to change your actions in the future. This is taking responsibility. There’s no hate in it, no anger or self-punishment. You only need compassion for yourself and others.
You do not need blame, and nor does your partner. Neither of you are “bad people” just because you don’t yet know how to protect yourselves from pain without causing more pain. If you had better tools, you’d use them.
As you get better tools, things will get easier. That’s one of the beautiful things about getting older.
So which parts of this conflict were a result of your choices?
And… that’s it. From what you’ve shared, anyway. Which choices were under his control?
Being chased is scary. Unpopular opinion maybe, but anger comes from fear and maybe that door slam was justified. Again, it’s not good behaviour. The right thing to do is avoid situations like this by avoiding people who break your verbal boundaries. But once you’re there…
From his perspective, he’s probably trying to communicate that what you did (scream at him, run away, close the door) hurt. And he didn’t like it. He doesn’t know how to say that, though, so he’s gonna turn to blame instead.
Anyways, you’re taking way too much blame for his actions already. He punched a floor. That’s on him. If he wanted to “blame” you for screaming at him, because being screamed at hurts, then sure, yeah, he’s got a point. But blaming you for HIS choices is wrong.
I’d like to point out, too, that in this post you never tried to “blame” him for “making” you scream at him. If you were both equally abusive, you would have.
The fact that you’re actively looking for ways to blame yourself MORE tells me you’re very likely the victim in this circumstance, and have a better chance of healing on your own.
You deserve to be treated with kindness.
You deserve to be safe.
You deserve to be loved.
And you are responsible for treating others with kindness, too.
Ma’am. End this relationship and enter therapy immediately.
You both sound toxic and if you’re actually arguing about this you probably shouldn’t be together
You accept blame, and take responsibility.
You didn’t make him hit the floor of the shed. That’s not on you.
You apologized (I assume, or took responsibility) for hitting him by mistake with the slammed door.
I cannot imagine why you want to keep doing this but that’s not my call.
No one should slam a door or throw an object where they are “sure” it won’t hurt anyone or whatever. But even if you purposely hurt someone, no one “makes” another person take an action. Their reaction is their own responsibility.
That said, you both have issues. You should part or get counseling.
You two are in your twenties, not your teens. Both of you need to grow up.
You both have anger issues clearly. It’s entirely his fault that he decided to go out there and punch the floor.
You two should not be arguing like that screaming at eachother, storming off festering in anger. This relationship is bad.
You both need therapy and to go your separate ways. None of this is healthy. You made a clear statement to leave you alone and give you space. He followed you and tried to call your bluff when you slammed the door. He was trying to make you pull the door back so as not to hit him, thus giving him further access to you. He’s a moron for walking into a closing door. He could have punched a pillow or the couch. Went outside and threw a rock, yelled at the sky, took a walk around the neighborhood. Any number of things to physically get the aggression out in a safe way. Slamming a door is usually also a safe way.
I’m sorry honey but it’s time to call it.
OP, you’re not responsible for his actions and choices, as you’ve correctly identified. That said, you two have A LOT of personal development to do, particularly in terms of anger management and communication. And my sense is that you’d be better off doing this separately and without each other in your lives. Sorry.