We all have weird fights in a long marriage. We argue about the thermostat, or whose turn it is to empty the dishwasher, or why one person insists on leaving their socks on the floor. But every once in a while, a story comes along that is so bizarre, so unhinged, and so deeply gross that it makes you question everything. Friends, this is that story.
Our narrator has been married for 17 years to a man who is a “loud sneezer.” A classic, annoying dad-trait, right? But she says it’s recently escalated. He’s gone from a “loud yell-shout” to a full-on scream-sneeze. He’s out here sounding like a banshee with allergies. She’s casually asked him if the volume is truly necessary, and he’s given the classic “I can’t help it” defense.
This is a lie. We all know this is a lie. My own father sneezes like a cannon blast, and he admits it’s a choice. Sneezing is involuntary. Screaming while you do it is a personality trait. But I digress.
The real drama went down one unforgettable night. The wife was in bed, nursing a bad headache, right as bedtime started. Her husband, unaware of her headache, comes into the bathroom and lets out one of his signature, eardrum-shattering scream-sneezes. This is her breaking point. She, quite reasonably, says, “please don’t sneeze like that. I have a bad headache.”
This is not a complicated request. But he immediately became upset, repeated his “it’s involuntary” nonsense, and then sarcastically snapped, “I’m sorry for sneezing.” And then he stormed off. But he was not done.
A few minutes later, he returned. He came to her bedside, asked her to open her hand, and then… he put a folded-up square of toilet paper into her palm. He then delivered a line so foul, so calculated, and so far below the belt that I am truly speechless.
He said, “I’ll stop bothering you with my involuntary sneezing if you will stop voluntarily leaving period blood under the toilet seat. So will you go clean that up right now? Or should I do that for you?”
I need you all to understand what just happened. He was so offended by being asked to not scream in a sick person’s ear that he investigated the bathroom, collected evidence of her period, and then handed it to her in her bed. This is a full-blown biohazard revenge plot.
The wife, stunned, said she thought she had cleaned up. In fact, she had literally asked him to bring her the Clorox wipes earlier while she was on the toilet. He knew she was aware of it and had already tried to clean! But he didn’t care.
The audacity didn’t even stop there. He then got more offended, saying, “I’m really offended because I apologized for my sneezing and you didn’t acknowledge it.” The sarcastic, fake apology! He was demanding she thank him for his own sarcasm, while holding her own used toilet paper. And then, in a final act of petulant man-baby-ness, he took his pillows and slept in the extra bed.
This morning, he gave her a weak apology for “getting snippy.” “Snippy” is not the word for this. “Snippy” is a five-alarm understatement. What he did was disproportionate, manipulative, and just plain disgusting.
So, is she the ahole for thinking screaming while sneezing isn’t necessary? Absolutely not. You are not out of line. He is a 17-year-old in a grown man’s body who weaponized your period because his feelings got hurt. This is not about the sneeze, and it was never about the blood. It was about him finding the cruelest way to “win” a fight he started.