There are “messy family” stories, and then there are “burn the whole family tree down, salt the earth, and move to a new country” stories. This, my friends, is the second one. A new mom, sick of being side-eyed by her in-laws, decided to get a paternity test… and accidentally uncovered a 30-year-old secret that’s about to be apocalyptic.
Our narrator, a 25-year-old new mom, just had a baby with her 28-year-old husband. The baby is perfect, but there’s one “problem”: she has green eyes. The mom doesn’t have green eyes. The dad doesn’t have green eyes. The grandparents don’t have green eyes.
Now, her husband, a king, a gem, a man who trusts his wife, just said it was “probably some weird genetic thing.” But his family? Oh, they were not so chill. The mother-in-law (MIL), especially, “keeps commenting on her eyes.” The whole family is making “comments about me possibly cheating.” Even her own family thinks it’s “odd.”
Can you imagine? You’ve just pushed a human out of your body, you’re hormonal, you’re tired, and your in-laws are all sitting in the corner, whispering, “Well, the mailman is new…”
The husband, bless him, kept telling her to ignore them, that he knew she’d never cheat. But our narrator, being a human woman and not a doormat, “finally had enough” of the comments and she demanded the test. She wanted, once and for all, to shut them all up.
This is the moment. This is the “f*ck around and find out” moment of a lifetime. The husband, just to calm her down, agrees. They get the test.
And the results come in.
The baby… is his! Vindication! She’s not a cheater! The in-laws can all go suck an egg!
But… oh, but. There was another result. The test, in confirming the baby was his, also revealed that his father… is not his father.
I am screaming. I am deceased. This MIL, this judgy, side-eyeing, “hmmm-green-eyes” MIL… she’s the one who cheated. She’s been sitting on this secret for decades, all while letting her entire family accuse her innocent daughter-in-law of the very thing she did.
The irony is so thick, you could cut it with a knife. She just had to keep making comments about the baby’s eyes, and in doing so, she pointed a giant, flashing neon sign at her own, 30-year-old infidelity.
Now, the husband is (understandably) losing his mind. He wants to confront his mother. And the narrator, who just wanted everyone to stop calling her a liar, is now realizing she “started the end of his parents’ marriage” and “possibly blew up his family.”
So, is she the ahole? For… what, exactly? For being so loyal to her husband that she wanted to prove his family wrong? For getting a test that proved her innocence?
Absolutely not. N-T-A. You are not the ahole. You didn’t open this can of worms; your MIL did, the second she started whispering about your daughter’s eyes. You just, accidentally, handed her the can opener.
This is the greatest, most unintentional “how the tables have turned” in history. She didn’t just clear her name; she cleared the whole dmn board*.