We have all had that one ex who sticks around as a “friend” but somehow ends up becoming a massive emotional responsibility, and one guy on Reddit just proved that some people have the boundary-setting skills of a brick wall. Imagine being a 27-year-old woman whose life has been in a total downward spiral: you’ve failed out of grad school, you’re estranged from your parents, and you’re about to give birth to a baby whose father isn’t even in the picture. Now imagine that the one person you’ve been leaning on for support—your ex-boyfriend of a year and a half ago—decides that the day you go into labor is the perfect day to go catch some bass with the boys.
The Original Poster (OP) is a 29-year-old guy who broke up with “Maria” because they had wildly different values. He was very clear that he didn’t want anything serious, but Maria clearly never got the memo. For the past year and a half, he has played the role of the “supportive friend” while Maria’s life essentially fell apart. He visited her throughout her pregnancy, helped her out whenever he could, and listened to her cry about how terrified she was of becoming a mom. He basically walked her right up to the finish line of her pregnancy and then decided to go fishing.
It is a total head-scratcher of a situation because the OP seems to think he was just being a “good buddy” by reassuring her that she’d be a great mom. But for Maria, who had zero family support and a history of bad relationships, he was clearly the only stable person left in her orbit. When the big day finally arrived, the OP was nowhere to be found because he had a long-standing date with some old friends and a fishing rod. He didn’t even find out she had given birth until the next day.
When the OP finally called to congratulate her, Maria was exhausted but happy. However, her friends—specifically one named Katie—were absolutely not happy. They flooded the OP with messages telling him he should have been there because Maria was so afraid and felt completely alone. They even accused him of “abusing the trust” Maria had in him. The OP’s defense is pretty simple: he isn’t the father, it wasn’t his responsibility, and he didn’t think he could have added much since she already had two other friends with her.
The emotional commentary here is a mess because, on paper, the OP is right. He isn’t the dad. He isn’t her boyfriend. He told her over a year ago that he didn’t want a future with her. But in reality, he has been acting like a partner-lite for months. If you spend your free time visiting a pregnant woman and being her primary emotional support system, you can’t be shocked when she actually expects you to show up for the biggest moment of her life. It is a classic case of “leading someone on” without actually intending to.
The OP seems to think that because he “declined” a serious relationship, he is immune to the social expectations of a close friend. But being a friend to someone who is literally giving birth alone with no family present usually involves at least checking your phone. Going fishing while a woman who is “terrified” goes into labor feels like a level of “not my problem” that borders on cold-blooded. It’s the kind of move that makes you wonder if he even likes Maria at all or if he just likes being the guy she depends on.
Katie’s anger is understandable from a “best friend” perspective. She watched Maria struggle through a lonely pregnancy while the OP played the hero, only for him to vanish when things got real. It is a bit of a haughty move for the OP to act like he’s just a casual acquaintance when he was the one Maria was calling “a lot” leading up to the birth. You can’t be someone’s 2 AM “I’m scared” call and then act like you’re just some guy from her past.
Let’s be real for a second: the OP isn’t an ahole for going fishing, but he is a bit of a jerk for the way he managed this “friendship.” He knew Maria was in a vulnerable state and that she still had feelings for him. By remaining so deeply involved in her life and her pregnancy, he created a dynamic where she felt she could count on him. When he prioritized a fishing trip over her birth, he basically pulled the rug out from under her.
The fact that Maria’s family didn’t show up makes the situation even sadder. She was truly alone in that hospital, save for two friends. The OP asking “what I could have added” is a bit dense. He could have added the presence of the person she actually trust and cares about the most. It isn’t about the medical procedure; it’s about not feeling like an afterthought on the day you become a parent.
This story is a vital reminder that “casual” friendships with exes can be a total sh!t-show when one person is in crisis. The OP thought he was being “nice” by helping her out, but he was actually just keeping her hooked on a support system that he was willing to drop the second a better plan came along. He’s right that it wasn’t his “responsibility,” but being a decent person usually involves a little more effort than “congrats” via phone call the next morning.
So, is he the ahole? The internet is split. Half say he owes her nothing, and the other half say he’s a heartless robot. We think he’s somewhere in the middle—a guy who wants the credit for being a “good guy” without having to do the actual work that comes with it. He shouldn’t be surprised if Maria finally stops calling him, and honestly, for her sake, we hope she does.
What would you do if your “supportive” ex went fishing while you were in labor? Is the OP a boundary king or is he just a total ahole for abandoning a friend in her hour of need? Let us know in the comments if you’d ever forgive a friend for choosing fish over your first-born!
NTA i would start distancing myself from her before she starts trying to make you part of her family. She doesn’t sound to stable. Never let anyone guilt you into doing something that your not comfortable with.