Basically, what the title says.
3 years ago, right after a doctor’s appointment, my father went to sleep and didn’t wake up.
He was my very best friend and confidant, and even now I have to stop myself from trying to call him. My nephew (7) has been asking about him. IDK what my brother and his wife have been telling him, but he asked me.
At the end of March 2022, my brother’s premature daughter passed as well. My nephew asked me when I was babysitting him, if my father was with his sister. I’m not religious, but he’s a freaking child, so I said yes.
Now, I’m getting texts asking me WHY I told my nephew his sister and grandpa are together in the afterlife. I asked my brother what he would have liked me to say, to no response.
My nephew asked if they were together in heaven, and I said yes. My sil and brother are upset I told their son. I am annoyed, because tf was I meant to say.
I don’t have kids, but I love my nephew. I don’t want to lose the relationship I have with him. Was aita for telling my young nephew his grandpa is now ‘heaven’?
Comments
You answered a child’s question with kindness and comfort. If your brother and SIL had a different preference, they should have communicated that earlier. You weren’t trying to overstep—you just wanted to help him understand in a way that felt safe. NTA.
Your nephew asked a heartfelt question, and you gave a compassionate answer, what else were you supposed to say? Your brother and SIL should be grateful you provided comfort instead of making this a big issue.
NTA ain’t that the typical thing adults tell kids when someone passes away?
NTA, what the hell did they expect you to say?
NTA. But should’ve talk to his parents first. His parents are upset because they wanted to handle the conversation themselves. NTA because you tried to comfort your nephew about his sister and grandpa’s death.
NAH, you said it in a kind, thoughtful way and they are in the process of grieving a child.
NTA. You gave a 7-year-old a comforting answer instead of existential dread. Your brother and SIL need to chill.
Look after your nephew because his parents certainly are not.
You said what they should have told him. It’s been 3 years and if they didn’t know what to say – they could have asked a therapist or trusted family member.
They chose avoidance and that never goes as planned.
They are fortunate that you gave him an answer that provided comfort. Children are aware of what is going on around them and lying by omission is lying nevertheless. Doing so lays a foundation of distrust.
NTA
INFO: What have they been telling him all this time?
I mean, if we can’t tell kids that their loved ones are having a celestial reunion, what are we even doing here?
You kindly answered a child’s question. If your brother and SIL wanted differently, they should’ve said so earlier. You meant well.
I have no idea why your brother thinks you created a problem. It appears your nephew was told his sister was in heaven. Why would your brother be upset if his son thinks your father is with her?
It’s usually a good idea for adults to get on the same page about how they talk about death with a child. In this case, it seems like you were all using the same language so I truly don’t understand what your brother is concerned about. If you want to avoid problems in the future you should ask your nephew what his parents told him or tell him he should talk to mom & dad.
NAH – this sounds like a simple miscommunication, talk to your brother. Ask him what he thinks you did that was not okay. It appears he & his wife were grieving the loss of a child around the same time your Dad passed. They deserve some grace. Grief is a powerful emotion, maybe they just felt like your nephew could handle anymore death? Maybe they couldn’t handle more death? Who knows?
If they keep it up, then continue asking what they told the kid. Maybe you eventually get an answer and will understand better
Well, honestly… it’s just a natural instinct to comfort a child. NTA. You provided a gentle reassurance, and sometimes, that’s all that matters. It’s hard when family disagreements arise… but you weren’t trying to overstep, were you? Children need solace, and your heart was in the right place. Their reaction seems harsh, but you acted kindly, and that’s something to be proud of. Seriously, give yourself a break, you did a good thing
Your brother is just upset because he screwed up by not telling him and now he’s been caught in a lie. It will probably have some significant impact on your nephew. That’s his fault. Children need to learn about death and that it’s a part of the life cycle and they should learn that they should be able to grieve in their own way. It’s a part of a parent’s job.
What did they tell the kid? That one of them was alive?
I mean the most comforting thing about death for me, even as an adult, is imagining all my loved ones waiting for me together in the after life, kinda like that scene with Harry Potter and his family.
NTA. I’m not understanding why they haven’t told him yet.
If they hadn’t told him that grandpa was dead, where did he go in their excuse. Kid is bound to notice he is not coming anymore. besides he already expected something because he did not ask if grandpa was on vacation. He asked specific if his grandpa was with his sister.
Are you sure he didn’t know his grandfather was dead? If his parents are atheists, you telling him that dead people live on in a magical far away land might be the issue.
I have certainly taken offence to people telling me my dad is ‘in a better place’. My dad is dead and buried, that’s not better than here with his family.
No NTA. I don’t know why they didn’t just tell him. But a child asked u a question and you answered it. But if your brother and sil didn’t want him to know (for some odd reason) then they should have told you they didn’t want him to know and why they didn’t want him to know. At least give you a heads-up!
Not your responsibility to solve that problem They should have anticipated that question popping up and decided how to deal with it. If they wanted their child kept in the dark then that should have been communicated.
Being honest to a child is the right thing to do. Why are his parents being dishonest??
Based on the wording, I’m wondering if the problem wasn’t about the kid’s Grandpa being in heaven. Maybe they didn’t explain to the kid that his little sister is in heaven.
Are they in denial about their daughter’s death? Do they believe that because she died so young, that her soul is destined to come around again, maybe in their next child? If that’s the case, or if they tried to fudge their answer when the kid asked where his little sister was, then I can see them being upset that now the kid knows his sister died and is in heaven just like Grandpa – which means she isn’t coming back in any way, because Christianity doesn’t teach reincarnation.
In any case, NTA, especially if they expected you to psychically understand and repeat whatever well-meaning lie they told the kid without ever communicating it to you. If they felt that strongly, they should have warned you. (Whether you repeated the lie or told him what you believe would be your choice, but at least you’d know he had different info from them instead of thinking he had no info at all.)
NTA
Sounds like they didn’t want to have a hard conversation with their son. He is old enough to know something happened, so he asked his uncle whom he feels he can trust. He has been told about people dying and going to heaven or he wouldn’t have asked if this is where his grandfather and sister are.
Yes, the conversation of death with a young child is hard but that is part of being a parent. Sorry but they are crap parents who need to do better. If they try to ruin your relationship with your nephew they are even worse parents. You didn’t do anything to harm him, you answered his question his parents weren’t. If they want him to be told something specific they should have told you or crazy idea actually bhad a conversation with him.
Now I am really curious where the been telling him grampa is …
NTA were the parents comfortable letting him think grandpa was just avoiding him? Kid figured it out and you gave him a comforting closure
NTA, but your brother and SIL are. I would never have kept something like this from my son. They need to go to Parents 101 training.
NTA If a child is old enough to ask they are old enough to get some kind of answer. Since no one knows what happens after we pass we tell stories that bring comfort. You didn’t hit the kid over the head with your personal beliefs
NTA. 7 years old is old enough to be told the truth about how the world works. No need to get into metaphysical details. His parents should also come clean about the tooth fairy, the Easter bunny and Santa if they haven’t already. Better to hear things from the parents than other kids on the playground, or heaven forbid they actually ask a trusted adult who will tell them the truth on things.
NTA
It’s been 3 years if they haven’t found a way to tell a child in a kid friendly way that his grandfather passed that’s on them. They should’ve told you and others that years ago that they haven’t told him. What did they tell the kid grandpa was doing for the past three years?
NTA. You told your nephew in the nicest way possible for someone his age that his grandpa had passed away. He was aware that his sister had died, so telling him that his sister and grandpa were together in heaven is a way that he understands.
Edit to add: your brother and sil are TA for not telling your nephew. He’s gonna keep asking, and they can’t avoid that question forever.
NTA The only reason I can think of as to why your brother and his wife would be upset as maybe they don’t believe in an afterlife and they don’t want their children to be raised believing that there is one , other than that I do not think you did the wrong thing at all. I mean what were these kids supposed to think when grandpa never came around. NTA
Death is apart of life. Shielding a child from it at every avenue is wrong. This is why people grow up into adults that can’t handle when life happens because they are shielded from everything.
Were you supposed to say Hell? Is your brother a Satanist?
Or try to explain the black void of nothingness like an Atheist?
WTF?
NTA
NTA
the wean is old enough to start questioning things, his parents should know this and have given you a preferred answer if they had one.