My son came to me last Friday at midnight and said that a classmate had been kicked out. I put my shoes on, grabbed my keys, and we went to get him. They only have about 15 days of school left before graduating. He doesn’t drive: doesn’t know how, hasn’t even begun to get his license.
A few days later, I find out that his mother was actually out of town when it happened, and so I don’t really understand what is going on other than I want to unsure that this kid graduates.
I know that the mother and him have had a very sour relationship for the past few years after the kiddo came out as trans, & changed his name to a female name. She has 2 younger children that she hasn’t wanted to introduce this to, but he insists, so there have been heated issues, even physical altercations. I need to add here that he has had a girlfriend the past year. He is a biological male, likes girls, and wants to transition to a girl.
I added that to explain things, as to why he & his mother have a poor relationship. I’m neutral, and actually see both sides…..and don’t want in on that part, only to support him to be able to graduate.
I really didn’t expect how things have been going though. He gets home from school, goes to his room, and plays X-box. He comes down to eat, then goes back up.
Monday, he didn’t return after school, and I finally asked my son where he was at around 8 pm. He informed me that he had rode the school bus to his old neighborhood, and walked to his girlfriends house.
At about 11:30 pm, a car pulls up, drops him off, and he comes inside. He works a few afternoons at Popeyes, so was able to hire an Uber to bring him back here.
Herein lies one problem: my son is 18 too, but he doesn’t do that. He still asks me if he can go places, etc. I’m not trying to be controlling, but I want to know where my son is, and him to have rules on when to be home.
Skipping to the biggest issue: I’m not going to lie….I expected that this kid, and his mother would get over their mad, and he would go home. He says that he calls her, but that she either won’t answer, or does, but doesn’t talk much, doesn’t ask him to come home, and sometimes hangs up on him.
Now he and my son aren’t getting along, and my son keeps asking me to make him leave. š
I’m NOT going to do that though. There’s just no way. I’m not happy, as I feel that I’m being kept in the dark, added another person into my household to dote on, and I’m disabled, and also have a very sick, elderly doggy that is nearing the end of life, so I’m super stressed over that already.
This is my sons last summer to be a kid, and I had planned for us to really enjoy it, maybe travel a little, but to just really celebrate his last summer of childhood. I know that we cannot do that with the guest, because I cannot and will not leave him here unattended. I have things in my home that I just cannot leave people around. Plus, I just don’t really know him, and am not leaving a stranger with free reign over my home.
I asked the kid to talk with me yesterday, and explained to him that I want to make sure that he graduates, but that this is temporary, and urged him to actually go to his mother, apologize, and make things right, so that he can return home…hopefully.
Again, I am not taking sides, but from what I understand, she doesn’t want trans talk, etc in front of her other children, and he has physically laid hands on her before, so she may have exceeded her limit on their relstionship….I just don’t know.
Question: should I demand that he and I go talk to her, and try to patch things up?
Also, his father lives here, but won’t let him go there either. He supposedly told him that he does not want to get in the middle of their feud.
My intentions were to rescue this kid off of the porch at midnight, and give him and his mother a cooling off period.
My intentions were not to gain a kid that comes and goes when he pleases that I have to cook for, do laundry for, that stays hidden upstairs in my spare bedroom, and doesn’t appear to be worried about his transferring out of my home soon.
I don’t know what to do.
Please be nice. My husband is a disabled AF veteran, and has issues. My little doggy that I’ve had for 13 years is now total care, can no longer even stand, so I have to carry him, clean him up, cook for, and feed/water him with a syringe, and try to enjoy what time we have left together. It’s so hard, and killing me inside. š¢
We are south-central US, so are going to have our 3rd tornado dodging this week later this afternoon. Several surrounded us Wednesday night, and came extremely close.
I’m just so exhausted, and stressed.
What do I do?
I took one of my sons 18 y/o senior classmates in a week ago. Need advice:
r/Advice
Comments
Once school finishes then she needs to go home and deal with her mother , that’s the only way things will get better , why don’t you go talk to the mother ?
It seems you want to help and I would personally start with resources available for them. Therapy and support groups. Government assistance. Depending on where you live of course. Do google searches. Then introduce the options to them. Make it clear you want to help them get on their feet. Be stable at work. Save money. Find a place. Make a plan and stick with it. Add a timeline. 3 months for this. Another month for that. Could be weeks. Just something that has a date for when you expect them to be ready to be on their own.
Tbh, what you did was nice. But your son wants his friend to leave, this friend doesn’t seem to respect you. You are stressed out. Maybe it’s time for you to talk to friend’s mom and come to some arrangements?
If you don’t want to kick them out until they graduate, just make sure they know they need to leave after the graduation. They are not a child anymore, they are 18. They need to start taking responsibility.
There are some info on the subreddit side bar for lgbtq/trans people. You can also find out what kind of help they can get in your local area. Maybe you can forward some support info for them.
Remember, they are not your responsibility. You shouldn’t strain yourself if it became too much to help.
You did a good thing rescuing this girl. It sounds like she’s not being supported at home with her transition, so going back could be horrible for her.
But that doesn’t mean she has to stay with you, either. I would tell her that she can stay until school is done, but then she needs to be out of your house. Set a date for her.
Alternatively, come up with rules that she’d need to follow if she were to become a tenant. Eg, rent (to cover her share of the food, electric bill, laundry, etc), schedule, that kind of thing. But I’d only suggest this if she and your son were still on the same page – and it sounds like they’re not.
There are sometimes LGBTQ+ charities that can help to house homeless teens, so she wouldn’t necessarily have to go home. Maybe she and her girlfriend will be able to get a place, or she’d be able to stay at her house for a while?
Damned if you do, and your damned if you don’t. What a cluster fuck
Contact their school counselor for help planning and help with what I’m about to give as ideas and for telling them they need help and making them aware of the situation. If you are in the US help them sign up for housing assistance and get on the list ASAP! Worst case scenario after they graduate they go to sign up for the nearest homeless shelter with an opening that week if they would rather do that over agreeing to their mother’s home rules of not talking about certain things in front of the other kids. Adult time for them to choose. Help them sign up for food stamps and state health insurance also. They can either follow the rules of the other house where their family is or go sleep with a bunch of strangers while waiting for their turn on the list for housing help. That is helping a lot when in reality they can actually fill out those forms on their own.
Does the kid have any relatives anywhere to stay with over the summer and sort things out? Theyāre in a rather vulnerable position and at risk. School counselors might have some insight. The young person should also be searching for options. Donāt put everything on your shoulders. Thank you for taking them in. You modeled decency for your son.
Are their any other parents that may be willing to help? Have you tried talking with the girlfriendās parents?
To me, it seems like you already have so much on your plate, especially with your son graduating and your dog at needing specialized care right now. Maybe you can even work out something with another family where the kid stays every other week (like split custody)? Itās not an ideal situation, but right now your sonās friend (pronouns?) needs to focus on getting to graduation and doing what they need to do.
Also, if theyāre staying in your home, they need to do chores, including their own laundry. How will they survive on their own in a few months if they canāt even wash their clothes or make a few very basic meals? If they continue to stay with you, then they need to help out and follow some simple rules. (IMO, these rules donāt need to be stricter than your sonās, but itās not fair to him if this kid gets to do whatever they want and doesnāt have to follow any rules.)
If you are in the US, she should contact the Trevor Project, which offers crisis intervention and support for LGBTQ+ young people
https://www.thetrevorproject.org
If you want to be supportive, stop using “he”.
The timing of this whole thing reeks of intentional drama on both sides.
Your kid, and your relationship with your kid, has to come first. No matter how you may feel about their opinions. Period.
You were very kind to take this kid in. Unfortunately it may have been a bit hasty and he may be taking advantage of you at this point. I know some parents can be very cruel but since he has 2 living parents, I don’t think your intervention was entirely necessary.
You need to tell him in no uncertain terms that he has until graduation and that you will be kicking him out with or without his mother taking him back. I also have a feeling he may be lying about what happened, either exaggerating it and possibly avoiding reconciliation with his mom because you were kind and he now knows you won’t allow him to be “homeless” if you try to kick him out. One of the 2 parents won’t let him be homeless if it comes to that.
Also maybe put in writing that he has 30 days to leave because he may gain tenant rights and simply refuse to leave.
You brought in a troubled 18 year old and expected things to go smoothly? You have things in your home you can’t leave unattended, and yet you brought in a troubled teen? You have a disabled veteran with issues, and you brought in a troubled teen?
Most crucially, your own son now wants him out and you are showing preference to the troubled teen over your own son! You are the problem here. Not sure what it is you are trying to gain from “saving” this troubled teen, but it is not working out and will only get worse.
Kick him out and move on.
Nice of you but this kid doesn’t respect you or your home…maybe there is more to this than being trans. Call the mother and talk to her directly and stop being 3rd man out on whats happening.
Side note – look into the local laws in your area. Lots of people are saying wait until graduation is over in a few weeks or make a set plan for a few months. Problem is legally they may have tenants rights if you go down that path. You took in an adult (harsh but legal way to look at it). If you prolong the stay you might have to have them evicted through the courts to have them removed later on. Seems like it will get messy since your son is already having issues, they ignore you, and have a history of physically battering the mother. Just food for thought!
Two thoughts.
First, if you don’t want that person around you need to kick them out before they have a chance of becoming a tenant in any way under your state laws.
Second, for someone who thinks it’s important to take in a trans kid in a time of need, you certainly don’t care about misgendering them. What’s your deal?
You are doing more than what most people would do and idk this situation is unique and hopefully you get good advice
Lay out your house rules and time he should be inside, also let him know his welcome is over at graduation. Donāt talk to his parents, thatās a waste of your time. Donāt get involved in other peopleās domestic issues. Your heart is in the right place but itās not your responsibility, you have done more than most people would have done!
You mean came out as a cross dresser?
It sounds like itās time to have an honest, respectful talk with the guest about boundaries and expectations, and maybe even involve his mom (or dad) in a conversation to find a more permanent solution. Your home and peace of mind matter too, and this canāt become an indefinite arrangement without your full consent.
Stop referring to her as “he”. Thank you for taking her in.
Iāve heard (and witnessed) several similar stories with or without the LGTB+ complications. Kid has friend. Friend is āabusedā in some way and needs a home. Parent takes in friend. Parents and kid find out friend may actually have some part in getting kicked out in the first place.
Iāve also heard and witnessed similar stories where the person truly did need a place to land and went above and beyond to be grateful for the opportunity.
Also . . . Everything in between.
You did a good thing from a good place. Your generosity may help this kid or the next one. Itās ok set limits and household rules that must be followed. Just donāt make them more strict than your own kid has to follow.
careful, you may actually have to EVICT him, since you have allowed him to move into your home !
While helping is nice sounds like youāre being taken advantage of. And this could get very messy, legally Definitely have a serious boundary discussion with Rosa and you may need to call in someone who has the resources to better help this young person
Your house. Your rules. Be firm
Thank you for taking in that kid ! That’s very kind of you. You are well-within your right to ask they she does her share of chores, and if she refuses, then kick her out without feeling bad. You could help her find a job after graduation so she can get a place for herself. It’s sad but since her mother is transphobic and wants to cut her from her siblings, the relationship is probably doomed. And her father clearly checked out. Please don’t ask potential transphobia/emotional abuse victim to go apologize to her abuser because it’s more convenient for you. She might be in danger there. Check with your local authorities, there might be a shelter she could go in where she would be safe and out of your hair too, as you have a lot going on right now and it’s understandable you are stressed out.
Also please remember not to misgender her!
She. This kid may not be someone you want to have around but please use correct pronouns.
Tell her that she can stay until graduation IF she follows your house rules. Make sure she knows that her last day is X. After that she is not welcome and needs to have another plan figured out.
Your heart was in the right place. But if SHE stays too long you’ll have some problems. SHE is 18 so can legally sign a contract. Draw up a rental agreement that has a specific date SHE needs to be out. You may end up having to evict HER if too much time goes on.
I know you were trying to help but now you’re in a bad situation. You definitely should have told HER when coming to your home it was for the weekend only, but you’re past that.
I wish you good luck, but this won’t be easy, especially if you have to evict. Don’t put HER above your son anymore either. That is not right to do to him.