Dating a theater kid comes with a specific set of terms and conditions. You have to be okay with late nights, weekend performances, and the fact that your partner will inevitably have to kiss someone else on stage or wear a costume that defies the laws of physics. It requires a level of security and maturity that, unfortunately, seems to be completely missing from one boyfriend on Reddit. He decided to turn a standard backstage logistical necessity into a cheating scandal, and the internet is giving him a standing ovation for his audacity.
The OP (Original Poster) is a twenty-four-year-old professional stage actress. This is her full-time job, not a hobby. She has been dating her boyfriend, John, for only four months. Recently, she started rehearsals for a new show that involves several “quick changes.” For the uninitiated, a quick change is not a s£xy striptease. It is a high-stress, NASCAR-pit-stop style event where you have about thirty seconds to switch from a ballgown to a peasant dress while three people aggressively assault you with zippers and velcro in the dark.
The OP made the mistake of venting to John about how difficult these changes were. Instead of offering sympathy or a foot rub, John latched onto one specific detail: there are men involved. Specifically, one of the changes happens just off-stage because there isn’t enough time to run to the dressing room. A male stage manager and a female actress help her out of the costume. John decided that this was “inappropriate” because she has a boyfriend, completely ignoring the fact that this is a professional workplace environment.
Let’s be very clear about what is happening backstage. The OP explains that when she strips down, she is wearing industrial-grade shapewear and spandex. She is practically fully clothed. Furthermore, stage managers are the most professional people on the planet. They are not looking at your body; they are looking at their watches and praying the zipper doesn’t jam. To imply that a stage manager helping with a costume change is s£xual is an insult to the entire profession. It is about as erotic as getting a flu shot.
John, however, thinks the OP should refuse to do the change. He actually expects her to march up to her employer and demand that the male stage manager step away, or simply refuse to perform the change at all. Imagine walking into your office and telling your boss you can’t attend a meeting because there are men in the room and your boyfriend of four months finds that “inappropriate.” It is career suicide, and it screams of insecurity.
The OP, knowing her worth and her industry, shut this down immediately. She told him point-blank: “I’m not going to be in a relationship with someone who can’t handle some backstage quick changes.” She explained that these changes aren’t s£xy; they are work. She wants the production to go smoothly, and she isn’t going to be the high-maintenance actress who demands special treatment because her boyfriend is jealous of her Spanx.
She even gave him an out. She told him that if this is a hard boundary for him, that is valid, but it means they should break up. She essentially said, “This is the job. If you can’t handle the job, you can’t handle me.” It was a mature, clear-headed response to a ridiculous demand. She prioritized her career and her professional reputation over a fling that hasn’t even hit the half-year mark.
John’s reaction to her valid boundary was to gaslight her. He accused her of “trying to coerce him into letting other men see me in my underwear.” First of all, nobody is “letting” anyone do anything; she is an adult woman doing her job. Secondly, framing her professional obligations as a weird kink or a betrayal is manipulative. He tried to make her feel like a bad partner for simply existing in a theater space.
He also told her she “shouldn’t be in a relationship,” which is ironic because he is the one who seemingly can’t handle the basics of trust. If he falls apart over a stage manager seeing a shoulder strap, how is he going to handle an on-stage romance or a slightly revealing costume? He is dating the wrong girl, and she was kind enough to tell him that to his face.
So, is the OP the ahole? Absolutely not. She is a professional. John is looking for a trad-wife who works from home in a turtleneck, not a stage actress. He needs to exit stage left immediately so she can get back to her rehearsals in peace.
What would you do if your new partner tried to dictate how you do your job? Would you try to compromise, or would you drop the curtain on the relationship immediately? Let us know in the comments if you think John has any leg to stand on!