For the past 5 years, I’ve been infatuated with this guy I go to school with. We never really talked one-on-one, except when we were paired up in group projects or happened to sit near each other. But even with those brief interactions, I felt drawn to him in a way I’ve never felt before.
Over time, I started picking up on the little things. His voice, his mannerisms, what he laughed at, his taste in music. Just these fragments I’d gather by sitting nearby or being around him. I even ended up spending hours researching things about him, just so I could get more info about his life. I know this all sounds so weird, but I think I’ve built this picture of him in my head, and in that picture, I feel this deep connection with him, even though it’s completely one-sided.
And the strange part is, I honestly feel like I know him. Not in a real, mutual way, but just from years of quietly watching from the sidelines. I’ve seen how he carries himself, how he talks to people, the way his mood shifts depending on who he’s with. All these little observations have created this version of him in my head that feels so vivid and familiar. Like he’s this important part of my life, even though he barely knows me at all.
And then there’s this girl he’s grown close to. I don’t know if they’re officially dating or not, but it’s obvious there’s a connection between them. They laugh together. They talk so easily. They look at each other so intensely. And it kills me because I can’t help but feel like if I had just had the courage to speak to him back then, that could’ve been me. I could’ve been in her place. And now, I hate how much I envy her.
She’s his exact match and everything I’m not: intelligent, beautiful, outgoing, kind. It’s like they were made for each other. And I hate myself for how jealous I feel. I hate that I compare myself to her. I hate that I resent her even if she’s never done anything to me. But deep down, I hate that I let someone else take the place I spent so long fantasizing about.
I think about him constantly. He pops into my mind throughout the day, and he’s even shown up in my dreams. I imagine conversations and scenarios of us together. It sounds delusional, I know, but the feelings feel real. It’s like this intense, emotional connection I’ve created all on my own and sometimes, it honestly feels like love.
I’ve been wondering lately if part of the reason I feel this way is because of how sheltered and shy I’ve always been. I’ve never had much experience with boys, never dated, never really received that kind of attention. And when you combine that with a boring, mundane life, it’s like I start latching onto these fantasy versions of people just to feel something. To feel like there’s this spark, even if it only exists in my head. It gives me a sense of escape, of purpose, of hope. But it also makes me feel ashamed.
I genuinely believe that if I had enough courage to talk to him, we’d get along well. But I also know I’ve idealized him so much, and I don’t know if the real version would live up to the one I’ve imagined.
I just wanna know how I can let go of this person and this feeling. I know this isn’t just a “crush” and that it’s something really serious, something that I need help with.
Comments
Any other reasons you didn’t mention that you think could have led to this happening?
You need to educate yourself on r/limerence
This isn’t healthy (as you know) and you need to get a handle on it sooner rather than later.
Have you ever heard of an FP (Favorite Person)? It’s something that’s common with those who have Borderline Personality Disorder. I’m not diagnosing you with BPD but you might want to look into articles on FPs and advice for that.
I had BPD for several years due to a few traumatic experiences. And because of that I’ve had two FP. I can relate to what you’re going through. Please be sure to do what’s best for your mental health.
Edit: here’s a good article on having a favorite person
Hey there,
First off, I just want to say how brave it is that you shared this—it takes a lot of vulnerability to open up like that. As I was reading through your post, I could really sense your self-awareness, which is something a lot of people never develop, so that alone is a strength.
Being sheltered and shy can definitely shape the way we connect with others. I relate to your experience in a way—I was homeschooled and isolated for most of my childhood (to hide the abuse at home), and I remember how intense certain feelings could get because I didn’t have many outlets or social experiences. My crushes were never quite as long-lasting, but I understand the deep emotional pull you’re describing.
Just know you’re not alone in this. I can imagine how painful and confusing it must feel, especially with the uncertainty of what’s going on with this new girl in his life. The hardest part is that this kind of emotional struggle is something a lot of people don’t understand—they tend to brush it off like it’s nothing, but it’s not. It’s real, and it matters.
If you’re open to it, I’d really recommend talking to a counselor / therapist, even just occasionally. I honestly believe everyone can benefit from therapy—it’s not just for when things are “really bad.” It gives you tools to manage your emotions, helps you understand your thought patterns, and can offer clarity when things feel overwhelming.
Another thing that really helped me was finding new hobbies or interests to dive into. I noticed I was most obsessive when I didn’t have much going on as a young teen—no job, no hobbies, not much stimulation. Filling your time with things that excite you or give you a sense of purpose can be a game-changer. At first it might just be a distraction, but over time, it becomes something much deeper: a fuller life that isn’t centered around one person.
You’ve got this. You’re already showing strength just by being this honest!!! Be kind to yourself—this is just one part of your journey. There are much more exciting things ahead!
Find a hobby. Tell yourself you don’t know the real him and repeat it until you believe it. Therapy.
I really don’t have any advice it sucks to long for someone who doesn’t long for you but in time that feeling (should) go away. Try to remember you deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you. And try to keep your mind busy by doing things you enjoy and that elevates you as a person. The right one will come along. I would say though if your having any negative/harmful thoughts you should go talk to someone certified.
Since you never had a complete conversation, you don’t really know him. You want to believe you do, but the reality is that he is barely an acquaintance. This is how infatuation usually goes.
To let go, consciously make an effort to stop daydreaming and fantasizing. Remind yourself that he’s a stranger that you don’t know well. Try and control your negative feelings toward this girl too. Guide your thoughts to a more grounded place.
You can also go talk to him 🙂 . It’s scary, but it’s healthier to get to know the real person.
What you’re feeling isn’t madness, and it’s not weakness—it’s the result of an unmet emotional need that your mind has been trying to fulfill in the only way it could: by building a story. That story became your escape, your hope, and even your comfort. And while it may feel like love, it’s not about him—it’s about what he represents to you.
You’re not obsessed with a person—you’re attached to a possibility. You created a space in your mind where you felt seen, connected, and alive. And because life around you felt quiet, maybe even lonely, that imagined connection became vivid—because it mattered. That’s not something to be ashamed of. That’s a sign of how deeply you long to be met, known, and understood.
But here’s the truth you’re reaching for now: that fantasy is costing you your peace. It’s keeping you tethered to someone who isn’t actually showing up in your life. And that’s the hardest part—to grieve a connection that never fully existed, but emotionally felt like it did.
So how do you let go?
First, you honor what this story did for you. It gave you hope. It gave you a sense of feeling. It gave you someone to project your capacity for love onto. But now, it’s time to redirect that capacity toward you. The same attention, energy, and fascination you gave him—begin to give that to yourself. Not as a cliché, but as a conscious shift. You’re not losing something—you’re reclaiming your energy.
Second, limit exposure. Don’t stalk, don’t scroll, don’t spy. Every time you look for a new update or glimpse of him, you’re feeding the illusion and reopening the wound. Give yourself space to detox—not from him, but from the idea of him.
Third, build new reference points. You need more real connections, real feedback, real presence. Talk to people, try new experiences, put yourself in situations that remind you: You are not invisible. You are not broken. You are not behind.
And finally, forgive yourself. You’re not crazy. You’re not pathetic. You’re a deeply feeling human who created something beautiful in your mind to survive something quiet and lonely in real life. That took imagination. That took heart. Now use that same imagination to build a life outside the fantasy—a life where you are the center, not a shadow orbiting someone else’s world.
You can let this go. Not because it wasn’t real to you—but because you deserve something that’s real with you.
You are giving Joe Goldberg vibes from YOU.