We all know the standard wedding vows by heart. You promise to love and cherish each other, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. It is the part where everyone cries and assumes they will be the rock for their partner when the universe throws a curveball. But apparently, some men view that “in sickness” part as optional, or at least subject to a weird ranking system where they decide whose sickness is actually worth showing up for. One husband on Reddit recently decided that his wife’s cancer diagnosis was simply inconvenient timing for him, and the internet is absolutely ready to revoke his marriage license.
The OP (Original Poster) starts off with a genuinely tragic backstory that does garner some initial sympathy. His side of the family has been absolutely decimated by illness. Over the years, he has lost a cousin and a grandmother. His father has dementia and skin cancer, his uncle is in hospice with lung cancer, and his aunt died in a car accident. It is a heavy load for anyone to carry. At this point, the OP has been living with his mother to help care for his dying uncle, his father, and his young cousin.
That is a lot of pressure, and nobody is denying that his mother needs help. However, marriage means your spouse becomes your immediate family. The OP’s wife called him with devastating news. She had found a lump in her breast. Being the selfless partner she apparently is, she waited to tell him until it was confirmed because she didn’t want to add to his stress if it was nothing. Unfortunately, it wasn’t nothing. It was breast cancer.
The prognosis is good, which is a relief, but her doctor recommended a mastectomy. For those in the back who don’t know, a mastectomy is major surgery. It involves removing a body part. It is physically painful and emotionally shattering. Naturally, she asked her husband when he was coming home because she wanted him there for the surgery. She wanted the person she built a life with to hold her hand while she lost a part of herself.
This is where the OP decided to be the absolute worst version of himself. Instead of saying “I’m on my way,” he told her to ask her family to support her. He essentially told his wife to outsource her emotional needs to her relatives living on the other side of the country because there were “multiple people” in his family who needed him, implying that her singular cancer wasn’t heavy enough to tip the scales against his family’s collective cancer.
The wife got quiet, agreed, and then hung up. She hasn’t answered his calls since, and honestly, can you blame her? He didn’t just let her down; he completely abandoned her in her darkest hour. Now her family is blowing up his phone, calling him an a**hole, and he is genuinely confused about why everyone is so mad. He seems to think that because he is busy being a hero to his mom and uncle, he gets a pass on being a husband.
To make matters worse, the OP’s mother is in his ear downplaying the whole thing. She told him the wife will “get over it” and that it is “just two little surgeries.” One to remove the breast and one to put in an implant. She frames it like the wife is going in for a manicure rather than a life-altering amputation. The OP admits his mom has never liked his wife, yet he is choosing to listen to her dismissive toxicity rather than his wife’s silence.
The most infuriating part is how the OP refers to the mastectomy as “probably just a couple of routine surgeries.” There is nothing routine about cancer. There is nothing routine about losing a breast. By minimizing her trauma to justify his absence, he is gaslighting himself into believing he is making a logical choice. He is treating suffering like a competition, and in his mind, his family wins the gold medal, so his wife doesn’t even get a participation trophy.
This man is suffering from a severe case of misplaced loyalty. He is willing to leave his wife alone on an operating table because he can’t figure out how to balance his role as a son with his role as a husband. He could hire a nurse for his uncle. He could ask friends to help his mom. But he is the only one who can be a husband to his wife, and he resigned from that position the moment he told her to call her parents.
So, is the OP the ahole? Ideally, there is a word stronger than ahole for this situation. He looked at his wife’s cancer diagnosis and shrugged. He chose his mother over his partner’s physical and mental well-being. If he doesn’t get on a plane immediately, he might find that when he finally does go home, the locks will be changed and he will be single.
What would you do if your partner told you to “call your mom” after you got a cancer diagnosis? Would you forgive them, or would you be serving divorce papers along with the medical bills? Let us know in the comments if you think this marriage can survive this level of betrayal!
You are a Colossal AH. You have abandoned your wife both physically and emotionally. She has been uncomplaining while you’ve been away helping care for your relatives, & now that your wife needs you, you basically tell her to piss off.
Having a breast removed is a HUGE Deal for a woman, reconstructive surgery is not done immediately, it takes a year before it can be done, how would you feel if you were diagnosed with penile cancer & were faced with having your penis removed & then having to wait for reconstructive surgery? And your wife tells you it’s no big deal & isn’t there to support you. You really are a horrible husband. You broke her heart don’t be surprised if she divorces you.