Sorry if this is too long, I just don’t want to miss any context.
My FIL was diagnosed with stage 4 brain cancer back in September. We knew he had less than a year.
Since then, my husband has spent every single night FaceTiming his dad while I’d chase after our toddler by myself for most of the evening. Our weekends were spent at his parents’ house (they live 2 hours away across the border in Canada). So we’ve essentially spent 0 time alone together for 6 months, and most evenings I feel like a single mother.
Throughout this time, his father is just slowing decaying. He needs way more attention and care than my toddler. So, when we visit, I am alone with my child again while my husband, his mother, and his sisters are all tending to his father.
Before his father got sick, we were talking about trying for baby #2. I wanted to wait until his father passed, because selfishly I was thinking of what a difficult time it would be to be pregnant while chasing after a toddler alone, my husband grieving, the whole family grieving, etc. My reasoning to my husband was I didn’t want him to feel torn between two families, and when I’m pregnant, I will need him with us*, but right now his father needs him. He insisted everything would be fine, and finally I caved and got pregnant in January.
All that said, his father has decided to end his life this coming Monday.
My husband is not handling it well, and is already grieving a loss that hasn’t happened yet. He does not handle loss well.
Yesterday and today he has asked me to leave work early to go pickup our daughter so he can go home and drown in his sorrows. This weekend and all of next week, I fully anticipate doing everything on my own and leaving him be, because I can’t tell someone how to grieve.
My problem right now, and where I might be an AH, is I’m arguing with him for grieving “in advance” before it has even happened yet, and he swore to me months ago (when I didn’t want to get pregnant yet) that I wouldn’t be left to pickup the pieces.
Now he’s telling me I’m not being understanding or sympathetic when he’s about to lose his father.
So, AITA?
TLDR; I’m 13w pregnant, my FIL is terminally ill and ending his life on Monday, and my husband is already starting to grieve while I’m taking care of our toddler and the house myself. AITA for not being more supportive?
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Sorry if this is too long, I just don’t want to miss any context.
My FIL was diagnosed with stage 4 brain cancer back in September. We knew he had less than a year.
Since then, my husband has spent every single night FaceTiming his dad while I’d chase after our toddler by myself for most of the evening. Our weekends were spent at his parents’ house (they live 2 hours away across the border in Canada). So we’ve essentially spent 0 time alone together for 6 months, and most evenings I feel like a single mother.
Throughout this time, his father is just slowing decaying. He needs way more attention and care than my toddler. So, when we visit, I am alone with my child again while my husband, his mother, and his sisters are all tending to his father.
Before his father got sick, we were talking about trying for baby #2. I wanted to wait until his father passed, because selfishly I was thinking of what a difficult time it would be to be pregnant while chasing after a toddler alone, my husband grieving, the whole family grieving, etc. My reasoning to my husband was I didn’t want him to feel torn between two families, and when I’m pregnant, I will need him with us*, but right now his father needs him. He insisted everything would be fine, and finally I caved and got pregnant in January.
All that said, his father has decided to end his life this coming Monday.
My husband is not handling it well, and is already grieving a loss that hasn’t happened yet. He does not handle loss well.
Yesterday and today he has asked me to leave work early to go pickup our daughter so he can go home and drown in his sorrows. This weekend and all of next week, I fully anticipate doing everything on my own and leaving him be, because I can’t tell someone how to grieve.
My problem right now, and where I might be an AH, is I’m arguing with him for grieving “in advance” before it has even happened yet, and he swore to me months ago (when I didn’t want to get pregnant yet) that I wouldn’t be left to pickup the pieces.
Now he’s telling me I’m not being understanding or sympathetic when he’s about to lose his father.
So, AITA?
TLDR; I’m 13w pregnant, my FIL is terminally ill and ending his life on Monday, and my husband is already starting to grieve while I’m taking care of our toddler and the house myself. AITA for not being more supportive?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
I get why you’re at wits end, but at the same time I really believe that if my mom decided to end her life I would be grieving too
NAH
Omg YTA!
marriage is about being there for your partner during these tough times. Yes. It’s hard. It’s supposed to be. That’s how life is.
You’re being incredibly selfish. This is probably the most difficult situation your husband has ever faced in his life. And you’re worried about yourself.
And the worst part, as you know that there’s an ending coming soon. Are you still can’t just suck it up. Shame on you
NAh
Grief isn’t logical. Because if it was logical and linear and “followed the rules” it wouldn’t truly be grief. Grief also overcomes logic, and can lead to decisions which in hindsight didn’t make – for example the possibility your husband wanted his father to meet your second child before his dad passed away.
NAH. Y’all are in a really sucky situation, and I hope you can both find a way to navigate it together.
I will, for official terms, say NTA. But tbh you both need some work. You absolutely need help around the house when you have a toddler and another baby on the way, but losing someone that close will absolutely get to you, and it can be hard to pick yourself up. I think y’all should have waited to try for another baby. Both of y’all have some issues right now, but you just have to work on them together.
NAH. The situation just sucks all around and there’s no good answer.
I went through this with my spouse a couple years ago and you have my sympathy. There’s nothing to do but bear it
NTA. But the way you describe it you will be a single mom to 2 children AND a husband (third child) for the foreseeable future. You are on your own. Unless you get some counselling. Then there could be hope somewhere down the line .
YTA
No seriously u should be there for him, it should not be the other way around.
Well. If you’re pregnant he paid some attention to you. Yes, you’re the Asshat.
Yes, YTA.
NAH, you both are under immense but very different stress, so it can be hard to see things from the other’s perspective. He knows his father, an extremely important figure in his life, will be gone soon and is grieving that loss. You have been acting as a single mom for your child while pregnant and also trying to be a supportive wife to your husband. You’re likely getting close to burn out. None of this is easy for either party. I know it’s grim, but you can see the “light at the end of the tunnel”. Wishing both of you the best in the hard time.
TBH NAH- your husband is going through a major trauma and life event. I understand how difficult it must be for you to handle a lot of stuff on your own. It’s got to be extremely frustrating and exhausting, I feel for you. Do you have other family or friends you can lean on during this time?
But saying he can’t grieve before it’s even happened? Grief doesn’t work like that. And I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but if you already had reservations about being pregnant again when your husband was going through all this, why did you agree to get pregnant again? You absolutely should not have caved and should’ve held firm. Your husband is obviously in an emotional state and cannot make good decisions, having another baby shouldn’t have even been on the table
This is a tough one. You are absolutely right in that he pushed for the pregnancy, promised you wouldn’t be on your own, and is not holding up his end of the bargain. But a long, drawn-out end of life scenario is something you can’t really prepare for emotionally until it happens to you. It’s most likely he did mean what he said, but just isn’t able to meet his end of the agreement right now. It’s possible that having this time to prepare for it will help him recover more quickly afterwards. Either way, he’s speaking from a place of immense pain right now and you’re speaking from a place of exhaustion. I actually think this is NAH here because you’re both under so much extra stress. Can you at least get a few hours break over the weekend? Maybe he can take the toddler to his family this weekend and you can stay home and rest. Give them some space for their grief. Or find a sitter for a day and let him go alone. I hope your family and extended family find peace soon and that you get some much-needed rest time.
YTA. While it is awful that you feel like a single mother, and your husband is not pulling his weight in the terms of parenthood, he’s also loosing his father. People handle loss on different ways, and your insensitivity towards your husband’s handling of loosing HIS FATHER as being “too soon” is really harsh towards him. I agree with you- handling majority (if not all) of the parenting, household, and emotional load of your family is tough, especially while pregnant. That being said your lack of empathy and compassion towards your husband is frankly disgusting, and I feel very sorry that he has such an unsupportive wife during this horrible time in his life.
Anticipatory grief is real, and not something your husband can control. He might want to look into some therapy after his Dad passes.
I may be in the minority here but I am going to go with YTA here. I understand that you are pregnant and you do need your husband to be there for you but we are talking about his father here. The man who raised him and probably has a solid relationship with.
This isn’t about you and him but it’s about him and his grief. You cannot put a timeline on when and how he can grieve. He is still coming to terms with his father being gone, which isn’t going to be easy.
You have to put him first here. Acting distant, less supportive is only going to make matters worse.
YTA. Good grief his dad is dying! Have you ever lost a parent? Do you have any idea how horrible it is!! This is his dad. Someone he obviously loves very much and doesn’t want to lose. You’re only thinking about yourself. Very selfish im sorry.
Im very sorry for your loss. I understand your frustration and exhaustion. Youre NTA. And neither is your husband. he is grieving. And this is different for people. But what he has to remember is that he has a wife and children and he needs to be there for them. You two need to have this talk. You can grieve together, raise a child together, plan for baby 2 together. its not healthy that he shuts off. perhaps he should talk to a therapist.
Nah
Anticipatory grief is a thing but if he had been acting this way since the diagnosis in September then you had 4 months of evidence to NOT consent to get pregnant in January.
Your FIL has 3 days to live, take care of your husband and allow him this space and then sit down for a conversation about what you need from him as a husband and father.
Im going to say YTA.
You shouldn’t be dealing with everything alone. But you also have to understand: his dad is literally going to die in like 3 days. Part of being married is that sometimes you have to pick up the load when these horrible events happen. It’s not easy, it’s incredibly hard, but arguing with your husband because he needs to grieve his dad who’s dying so soon is an ah move.
This is a really rough situation, and I’m sorry.
I would make sure to emphasize to your husband that.. you’re not mad he’s grieving. You’re upset that you saw this problem coming, you told him, you didn’t want to do it, and he talked you into it, swearing it would be different. It sounds like he didn’t really acknowledge or take in your feelings and fears. He just wanted another baby to distract himself from his dad dying, and didn’t think about what it would be like in reality enough.
But there’s unfortunately not much to be done about it now. You’re already pregnant, and his dad’s already dying. Does your family live nearby? Do you have any close friends? I think it would be best to lean on outside support. You can’t do this all on your own, and that’s okay
Anticipatory grief.
Nta. Should’ve stood strong and not have the second child.
You are under a lot of pressure and I know none of this is easy and you are taking on the brunt of everything but yes YTA. If it was reversed and you were about to lose someone clearly very important to you, would you expect him to take care of everything while you grieve? I couldn’t imagine watching someone I love choose to end their life like that. You understand but I’m sure that is another level of hurt to go through as well. You gotta suck it up right now and then slowly help him put the pieces back together. Therapy for him might be a good start too.
yta just let hubby have his dad for a year so he’s not having 60 years of regret with you 🤷🏾♀️👁️
I have never said this before because I can almost always see both sides but … yes YTA. Your feelings are valid but your behavior is horrific. I’d have a hard time forgiving you and probably would divorce you.
NAH. Your being supportive, I think you are in the wrong about this particular problem but I understand why you are complaining.
This reads like you are upset he isn’t sticking to his words about how he’d handle this, and you would be AH for that cause let’s be serious.
Plus, you haven’t mentioned your own grief. You don’t know this man as much as everyone else, but its someone you know and you’ve watched the end. That affects you even if you don’t want to admit it.
YTA. Marriage is about supporting your partner in times of difficulty. I’m sure he has supported you when you were in a bad place, not it’s time to give it back. It doesn’t seem like a good time to bring another child into your relationship, give him time to say goodbye in the way he needs to. You have all your future together
Your husband is really now coming to terms with the fact that the man who was there for him everyday of his life, the man that every morning when he woke up was there, the man who at any time he needed advice or to talk was there, is not going to be there anymore. One can never say how they will 100% feel until they are actually in the throes of the situation. Give him so grace and stop being selfish because while it’s his father that’s dying what would you be doing if it was your husband about to close his eyes for the last time?
Info: If the situation was reversed, and you had a parent or another family member that you were equally close to get diagnosed with a terminal illness and eventually make the decision to end their life, how would you feel if your husband was arguing with you for grieving? Your post is a little vague on what exactly you said to him, but how would you feel if he said those same things to you if you were in his shoes? Would you be okay with it? Do you think you’d be able to go on with your life like everything was normal and take care of your child with minimal changes to your routine if it was your loved one that was dying?
NAH
Both of your feelings are fair but I will say, as a spouse who supported my partner who lost both parents to cancer within an 18 month period, that you both need to communicate your emotional needs and support clearly so resentment doesn’t build on either side. You may resent being on toddler duty full time and without much help, just as he may resent you for not being sympathetic to his loss. I’m not saying either of you are doing that, but without good communication you will both start to assume the worst.
I had to do a lot of solo parenting with our two young kids while my partner was essentially a caregiver for both her parents before they passed. It was emotionally and physically draining time for both of us and we made sure to reassure each other that we were doing what we had to to survive and that we appreciated what the other was doing. Communicate well and act like a team. I know it’s different you being pregnant, so if there are certain appointments or things you can/cannot do, talk about them early and often so you can plan together
NAH – it’s just a shitty situation (pun intended) all around. Wanting to try for a second child in the midst of everything was probably not a logical decision, but grief isn’t logical. It sounds like maybe your husband wanted to push ahead for a second baby because he was hoping his father would be able to meet him. That’s a second loss he’ll have to grieve on top of the death. At the same time, running after a young child and keeping the house running basically on your own while also pregnant sounds incredibly difficult. It’s completely reasonable to develop resentment, especially when you feel like the strain you’re under is not being recognized. It seems like both of you have reached your limits and are starting to crack. The only thing you can do is ride it out and try not to see the other person as your enemy; that will only make the situation harder and the damage last longer. Don’t turn this into ammunition for future fights. It sounds like you’re both doing the best you can, and it’s not enough on either end because nothing could be in a situation like this.
You are absolutely the asshole. Grief doesn’t have a timeline. My mother’s death was a slow process, and my father and I both grieved her loss *before* and *after* because we saw where things were going and it was like trying to stop a train from crashing in slow motion.
This is your husband’s *father*. You may not be close to your father, you may not be close to your family, I don’t know. But he is losing someone that has been a part of his life for his *entire* life.
The fact of the matter is this. You’re here now, with a toddler and a bun in the oven. It may be frustrating and annoying, but you’d better buckle up because this grief process is going to continue and it seems like instead of being a sympathetic, caring, loving spouse you are thinking about your own discomfort.
Don’t misunderstand me when I say this. Pregnancy is difficult. You have a job and a toddler (which is basically two jobs.) However, if you are letting your compassion for your husband go in the wake of exhaustion then you either need to hire someone to help you or figure out something else.
Its called Anticipatory Grief. Its a well-research concept. It’s very normal.
My mom died of brain cancer. I couldn’t function for the time shortly before and after her death. Its not an experience anyone understands until they go through it. I couldn’t pull my weight around the house. My husband carried it all. If he had made me feel guilty or bad about it, that really would have been a deep, deep cut. Unfixable, likely. I encourage you to be his support during this time. Its an unbelievable hurt.
YTA. The reality is, you saw the way this was going to go and you went against your gut. Grief isn’t logical, and you already knew your husband doesn’t handle loss well. You were already upset with him for his lack of presence/care when it came to you and your toddler. Deep down I think you knew this was going to happen but did nothing to change or stop it.
YTA. Listen, everyone and i mean everyone is going to go through a bravery test where something awful happens. And you never, ever expect it and you cannot plan for it – i say this as a young breast cancer survivor still in her 30s. Show up for your husband, this is scary and awful, its his DAD. Remember your vows? sickness and health – it also means standing by your partner in times of adversity – as you would expect him to do if you ever met a challenging time. YTA.
I am so sorry for all of you. What a rough situation for you all. I am going with NTA. I would suggest that this is when you enlist your girlfriends/sisters/cousins/church group. Pick the ones you trust the most. Cry to them about your situation. Ask them for some help. Get an afternoon to yourself, doing something that does not involve your toddler, housekeeping or anything husband related. A clear mind might help you reframe here. He needs to handle this his way because grief is not a clearly written outline, but rather sneak and non-linear. This is not the moment for your difficulties, real as they may be. You’re going to need to find other assistance right now. In a few weeks, when Dad is gone and he’s had a little time, you can suggest your husband needs to ease his sorrow by spending time with his child. Good luck, OP
YTA – wow, you come across so heartless. You are not a single mom, you have a husband. Running after your child while your husband deals with his dying father is called teamwork. You are a team. You are his rock. This is a time he needs to spend with his father and his family.
You are 13 weeks pregnant. You will have your husband by your side throughout the hardest months of your pregnancy.
Be a better support to your husband than this. You’d want him to be there for you if the tables were turned.
You’re not heartless for needing support too. He’s losing a dad, but you’re losing a partner right now — and that’s not nothing.
YTA. While you have every right to be upset about the situation and it sucks that you’re doing all the work right now.
Your lack of empathy for your grieving spouse oozes from your post. Losing a parent who you are close to is fucking awful. Especially one that is terminally ill and you have to slowly watch them die.
How are you going to behave two weeks from now when your husband still isn’t over it?
I hope he gets grief counseling to help him.
YTA was about to say NA H but your line on arguing about him grieving before his dad is dead makes you TA. His dad is doing the MAID program which means there is a finality to it and an exact end date. It is coming to a close and it is time to start processing that loss now that he has clarity of when it will happen. You are also only 13 weeks pregnant, you’re not near the end or bed bound. It sucks you’ve had to be like an only parent for 6 months but keep in mind he is losing his father forever and is suffering heart break. We have to step up when our partners are going through a difficult time. Put yourself in his shoes and imagine how you would feel if you felt your partner was abandoning you in your time of need. His dad will die in 3 days and be gone forever.
YTA. He is not only going through the horrendous emotions of knowing he about to lose his father, but I’m sure there are a lot of other very heavy emotions he’s dealing with in thinking about his own child and future child and how one day he will leave their orbit too. This is a lot to shoulder and there is absolutely no “right way” or “correct timeline” for grief like this. I know this time is hard for you in other ways, but please try and get help elsewhere and show your husband the love and compassion he deserves from his wife. If the roles were reversed, you would want the same. I’m sending love to him and his family and to you and yours in this incredibly difficult time.
I HOPE YOUR DAUGHTER NEVER HAS TO EXPERIENCE THE HEART WRENCHING EVENT OF LOSING HER FATHER ….but if she does, I hope her partner is COMPLETELY opposite of you.
Fuck you’re awful!
Wow you are COLD
Me me me me me, meanwhile you’re husband is losing a parent.
Cold.
You should reevaluate your priorities.
NAH – please get a sitter for a few hours so you can get a break. Go do something for yourself and try to recharge. Your feelings are valid. This situation is hard and there are not a lot of ‘right’ answers.
Losing a parent is tough, even when you know it is going to happen. Please make sure your husband gets into a grief counseling – concerned he will bury his grief while trying to manage the new bundle of joy that will be arriving soon.
YTA. Look up anticipatory grief. Your post just sounds so dismissive of the situation. I’m sorry you “caved” to #2, but that takes two people. You’ve gone for the ride in an impossible situation and sound just so resentful. That makes you TA imho.
YTA
You caved and got pregnant, KNOWING what was going to happen. His dad is dying a slow and painful death, and luckily it will be over soon.
Soft ESH. I know it’s difficult to parent by yourself, but your husband is facing a difficult situation that only comes around a handful of times in a lifetime, and it would be really great if you could step up to provide some much needed support right now. I’m not sure why you didn’t stick to the original plan regarding the pregnancy. He is TA for pressuring you into this pregnancy even after you rightfully told him that it was going to be too difficult for you. This situation is rough, but it’s temporary. Better times are on the other side of this tragedy. Hang in there.
NAH, he was misguided to push so hard for a pregnancy but he cant control his emotions and I can absolutely understand grieving this way for a loved one.
If you decide to keep your pregnancy, he still might not be able to make promises about how much support he’ll be able to give you. And you sound like you’re already tired now, so you might not be in the best frame of mind to support him if you’re also taking on 200% of childcare for 2 kids instead of 1.
I feel for you, I really do. Do you have support from your friends or family? Someone you can discuss your feelings with? It’s going to be hard for your husband to see beyond this and I really think you need someone in your corner who’s only focus is making you feel better too.
ESH, I get why your husband tried to spend more time with his dad, but he had a responsibility towards you and your child as well. I do think he failed you as a husband and as a father this last year.
And yet, despite the way he was behaving, you, as an adult, still made the conscious decision to have another child with this man at this time. And somehow you are surprised that he is already grieving.
NAH, you really deserve support though. You need to look in to groups for people with a bereaved family member. I’m sorry you’re in this brutal situation.
NAH. He simply doesn’t have the emotional band width to deal with anything but his father’s fading and passing. He’s not helping you and you need help with a toddler and being pregnant on top of that.
The critical observation here is: “I feel like a single mother.” You and he need to talk things over. Then, you should arrange to stay with your own parents so that he and his bio family can be present and support each other with his father’s passing. Afterwards, you can reunite, process what happened (with the help of a marriage counselor if necessary), and put your own lives back together. Hopefully, you can get through this and be a stronger family unit afterwards.
YTA, you’re going through a lot, but you absolutely had control of whether or not you got pregnant (barring the 1% accidents). You chose this. You saw how he’d been behaving and yet still agreed to get pregnant. He’s losing a part of his family. Even decades later I sometimes find the grief from either of my parents dying to come over me. I like to think I can handle a lot, then wHOOSH, it’s there in my face. We cannot control it. We can get help, we can learn coping mechanisms, but we cannot control it.
If it was me, with him going every weekend, I would have stayed home until the fil was in the last stages. It is easier to chase a toddler around at home, besides in another person’s home. You should have kept to not getting pregnant until after the fil died. I realized it is too late for those decisions.
Your husband has to grieve his way and how long to takes him. After his dad’s death, he needs to go to grief counseling.
Watching a parent die slowly is really hard because you know there is nothing you can do & your heart breaks a little every day. You are never ready for the day that they die even when you know it’s coming.
Your husband has to go through the grieving process & there is no time on how long it will take. You also are going through the grieving process but also have a toddler to take care of & and yes, your husband should’ve been helping.
At this point, you are going to resent each other for what was & wasn’t done. I suggest a few days after the funeral, you should talk to your husband & tell him you both need to go to marriage counseling just to learn how to handle the grief process. Neither of you is the AH.
Nta. How about visiting your parents with your child, while he’s going through all his feelings. Apparently he can’t do anything other than one feeling at a time, let alone deal with other responsibilities. Yes you can’t tell him how to grieve, but yes you can tell him that you REQUIRE assistance raising both of y’alls child. He needs to step up. Also be prepared for the exact same behavior when his mother is on her way out.
YTA
No one can predict how they will respond to grief. Also, it sounds like having your FIL end his life has come as a bit of a surprise. Your husband probably thought he had more time with his father, and the finality of what is happening is hitting him hard. Men can have emotions too, guys.
You are coming across as very callous here. He is about to lose his father and is a flood of emotions. Don’t add stress to them. Yes, being pregnant with a toddler is hard work – been there done that – but this too will pass.
Love on your husband – he needs you now more than ever.
NTA- as a son,my Dad passed right before my youngest was born. I was clear that my efforts needed to be on grieving responsibly, and making sure my kids and partner were supported.
As a dad with chronic & terminal health issues, who is anticipating a grandchild soonish (oldest is planning) I would be upset to think that my kid was trying to disengage with their kid and partner in order to go drink to dull their grief, about anything, but especially my passing.
Losing a parent is very hard, and very painful. It is not an excuse to parent poorly.
I’ve never been in any of these situations, but I keep thinking this:
Op is losing a couple of hours of support from her husband each day, and she is frustrated and overworked. This is TEMPORARY.
The husband is losing the father that raised him and supported him for his whole life FOREVER.
Your husband needs therapy stat.
I lost my dad last year. The shitiest part is that life goes on for everyone around you. The cruelty and inhumanity is almost too much to bear.
But life does go on. Eventually you do see the beauty in that, if you embrace healing.
What me, and my 80 year old mom and siblings, did not get to do is pretend that the rest of the world has to shoulder our emotional burden.
It’s one thing to have help, remember dishes can wait and the neighbors kid can mow our yard for 20 bucks.
But that isn’t this. You have a kid and one on the way.
Your husband needs a shit ron of help to learn he can grieve and live life as a husband and father at the same time.
Get him therapy stat.
NAH. Grief is horrible, but burdening others (especially your significant other) with it this much is unacceptable
YTA you have more sympathy for Tesla’s stock price and JD Vance’s feelings than your own husband.
YTA you’re upset because he’s grieving over the fact that he KNOWS his father is going to die in 3 days?
He’s going through one of, if not the worst periods of his life right now and if you aren’t willing to step in and support him, especially when it has an actual end date scheduled, then I don’t understand why you even got married to him. This is quite literally the main thing partners are for.
My mother has dementia. I am grieving for how she was and trying to accept the way she is.
I rarely say it but yes you are being an AH .
It is an awful time to go through and the feelings don’t switch off.
I lost my Dad to cancer 7 years ago. Now it is getting easier but still I will have tears at times.
The only constructive thing I can suggest is that your husband seeks counselling to help him get through this.
Final series of Bump – is trigger warning – deals with the whole assisted suicide / terminal disease like no other programme. Might be worth a look for you. Probably too raw for husband.
YTA. Christ, hire a babysitter.
I think you just need to hold strong and say nothing for this week and the next few weeks. A long drawn out death like this (in my experience) results in a lot of grieving taking place before the person goes. I experienced this with my husband. Get the funeral over and done with, give him a couple of weeks and then talk about how you are both going to manage going forward. I am sorry you are in this situation, it’s hard, but just hold fast for now, you will not regret it later.
But why did you get pregnant? I mean sorry but this was a really dumb move.
I think I have to go NAH, because he’s grieving, and everyone deserves to grieve in their own way. But you poor thing! I have family in Canada too, so I know just how bad crossing the border can get! (especially near holidays!!! Easter is at least still a good bit away, but I hope they’ll consider that when they plan a funeral/memorial or whatever.) Do you have family nearby that you can lean on? Good friends? Maybe just a reliable babysitter, so you can get out and give yourself room to breathe, even if it’s only going out for a drink with a friend or a yoga class or whatever helps you relax. I will say, having lost family since having kids, it can be hard, but sometimes you have to just suck it up and handle the kids even if you’re grieving. It’s not their fault and they still need you, both of you. Life goes on. Give your husband this weekend. Maybe take yourself and your little one over to Grandma’s, give him some space to deal with himself. But remind him that he made a commitment to your and your children and, sorry as you are for his loss, you still need him to at least be functional. Maybe consider therapy, for him, for you, for you both together, if you need the help to sort things out. Hang in there! I know it can be hard, but stay strong!
NTA and sorry, but you absolutely can tell someone how to grieve when their way of grieving is planning to drown himself in alcohol and presumably incapacitated an entire week while not giving a fuck about his pregnant wife or child.
Death is horrible, even when you know it’s coming. But he has a responsibility to you and your child(ren). He can’t just on a dime tell you to leave work to drink. That’s absolutely unacceptable. That’s something you can do when you have no responsibilities to anyone else. He does.
There’s no legal euthanasia in the US (your country) or Mexico (1 of 2 drivable countries from US in 2hr timeframe) and Canada has a 90 day assessment….
So YTA for making a fake post. If this is somehow true an OP’s dad plans to take matters into his own hands you’re still TA for not comprehending what it would be like to have a family member openly map out their suicide. And then to be mad at your spouse for not having a crystal ball and the ability to properly predict their emotional response to such events months prior to them happening is certifiably insane on your part.
This post makes me sad. I’m not going to call anyone an asshole but why get married if you’re not going to support each other through the hardest parts of life? People should be able to rely on their spouse when life is hard. If you’re already resenting your husband for spending this time with his family, maybe it wasn’t the time to “cave” to getting pregnant right now.
NAH. It’s just life/death grown up stuff I’m afraid.
Little bit of an AH for getting on him for having his feelings.
This is the “for better or worse” part of your vows. Full stop.
NTA for having your own feelings and wanting a little help.
You,knew when you got pregnant that your FIL was dying so any stress that you are experiencing there I’ve got to say is on you. Because by then you r husband would have been griefing his name father and worrying constantly about him. With the current child you have you neeed to take it and ask your husband if he wants thee child to be able to say goodbye to the grandparent (I’m not sure of age) and be there for your husband. is don’t know if you’ve ever lost a parent but it rips your soul out.. it is HARD!! If your husband was close with his father while he was alive then this is going to be incredibly hard for him. Life changing. And you need to support him not. Complain that he’s not there enought for you. Because I honestly think you should not have gotten pregnant during thins time..
He’s not grieving in advance, he knows the time and date his dad is going to die. There’s noway he could’ve predicted his grief. It was ridiculous to let him “convince you” to start trying for a baby right that second.
Taking care of your own child by yourself is par for the course sometimes. When I have a dream I want to chase or my husband does, when my grandfather died or when my husbands best friends dad died, we picked up the pieces. The least you can do is change a freaking diaper. Do you want to trade him places? Yes you’re being an AH. The fact you even thought to make him promise you wouldn’t have to “pick up the pieces” makes you an ah.
But you are going through an exponentially tough time and for that I’m so sorry. And I know how hard it is to care for children alone. But you should not be looking to your husband right now. Who are your other support people? Parents? Babysitter? Friends? Who can help relieve you of toddlers during this time?
It doesn’t sound like you were close with your FIL by the sounds of this posts mostly worried about changing one too many diapers but if you were, are you able to arrange to be with everyone and have kids cared for by someone in your family?
You need support, but you’re trying to lean on the wrong person. Yes he’s allowed to be sad this week, right now, before it happens. He’s even allowed to go up there right this second. It’s his father’s last days, it’s not forever, it sounds like you’ve been supportive thus far so not throw in the towel and revoke your support when it’s almost over. If my husband behaved this way towards me (he would literally never he’d let me be sad and worthless for three months) I would be looking at divorce. Marriage is for better or for worse, this is one of his lowest times.
As someone who has lost someone extremely close to me and knew they were dying 5-6 months before it actually happened, the anticipatory grief took me by surprise too. I was mourning before they were gone but all I could think about was how much I was going to miss them, that they were going miss out on my own big life events and knowing they were dying was the most indescribable pain.
NAH here but I think your expectation of grief is a touch naive and everyone will grieve differently even before the death has taken place.
In order for you to get the support you need, do you have anyone you can lean on who isn’t your husband? I was told support when I was grieving was like rings, your FIL/MIL is relying on support from your husband, your husband is relying on support from you, so you need to find your ring of support – call in help wherever you can, if you can afford it, hire someone. Call a friend, speak to any family you have and ask them to support you is what I would recommend.
YTA. Your husband was wrong and you were right about the fully anticipated situation. Pre-grieving is something we all go through, esp with such tremendous loss. You being in the right about the situation doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to be supportive either. And it’s not the time to harp on the point. Bring it up maybe but like have a deeper conversation about learning to listen more closely to each others anticipations and anxieties about future issues to better mitigate these situations in the future together. But for now… Your FIL is dying. On Monday. You need to chill.
Yes you are a insensitive selfish AH of epic proportions. His dad is dying and you are whining about having to care for your toddler while being pregnant (boo freakin who by the way) while he helps care for his dad and grieves for what is to come. Your selfishness seems to have no bounds. I feel so sorry for your husband.
Your husband needs therapy like now. I understand anticipatory grief is a thing. I’ve been through it. But if he’s been basically absent (parenting wise) this whole time then there is a problem. Yes grief sucks. But you have a wife and child and another in the way. You still need to be doing your duty to them as well. It sucks but life doesn’t end cause you’re grieving as bad as you may want it to.
I had to remove the two people I care about most in this world from life support and watch for hours as their bodies fought the inevitable before they finally passed.
This was 7 years ago and I grieve daily for them so I understand loss. But ultimately unless your husband gets help with coping you’re going to have an issue on your hands. Cause it’s already bad. It’s going to get worse come Monday.
YTA
Your reaction to the upcoming maid procedure, an end date, reminds me of how I feel sometimes in advance of a vacation from my job. Knowing I’m going to have a break, a rest, I have less patience for the usual bullcrap. If I didn’t have that break coming I would have to continue to cope.
I think your husband made a mistake for himself in checking out of his home life. If he had taken regular breaks you both could have been coping better. But immersing himself in grief hasn’t given him any outlet or a view to his life after grief.
He’s not going to bounce back
immediately. Everything won’t go back to normal next week.
My advice is to build in some breaks for yourself with a babysitter an evening a week and a break on the weekend. Go for a coffee, a walk, a swim, anything to give yourself a break. You need it regardless of what he says or promises. It’s not too late
NAH.
Where is your family and friends in this situation? Meaning people not or less emotionally connected to his dad. Call in reinforcements for YOU. That is ok to do. Focus on this.
Do you have extra money to pay for a sitter? This is one of the times that the support will be extremely uneven. And you still deserve and need support.
I’d recommend grief counseling for him after his father passes and after a month or two, some couples counseling.
Yta. His father is gonna die in 2days…thats even more terrible than him being died already…