Hi everyone, just wanted to see people’s opinions on whether im overreacting or not.
My boyfriend of 8 months has recently been messaging a few of his female friends that he knew before he knew me/started dating me. I just want to say im absolutely 100% sure and know he has no romantic interest in these women, he truly just considers them as friends.
I just want to point out they both know about me and I have met one of them.
However, one of them texts him A LOT, asking him for favours that she could ask anyone else but it includes hanging out with him alone, being overly nice, etc.
The other, he has hung out with alone once in our relationship and I was fine with it. However everyone around me was telling me I was stupid for letting him do that, and it made me think a lot.
See.. to me, if I was a single girl, I wouldn’t dare hang out with a man even just as a friend that had a partner. Call me dramatic, but i just find it disrespectful to the girlfriend. To go eat with, sit in the car and talk with a man who is taken, as a woman I would feel incredibly guilty.
Im not necessarily mad at him, he hasn’t done anything wrong. But I really don’t feel like I can tell him to stop talking to or at least stop hanging out with these girls as he’s known them for a long time before me. It feels controlling.
Do I bring it up, or leave it as I trust him, but just find the situation weird?
TL;DR – Bf hanging out with girls alone, is it worth having an issue over
Comments
You wouldn’t but some would. Some would get off on the competition.
No you can’t tell him to stop hanging out with his friends especially if he had those friends before you two met. I always say take someone as they are not who you want them to be
You’ve got to give him the benefit of a doubt not to do anything, trust is a foundation of a relationship.
You can be suspicious, just don’t let it turn into jabs at him; which can easily happen without realising.
The hard part is he had these friends before you meet, for me I agree with you I don’t hang out with other girls alone one on one. It’s about your boundaries now as if this crosses your boundaries you need to speak to him and try compromise. I’d never get into a new relationship knowing she had guy mates again that she would see one on one, tired it twice and both times you can tell a mile of the guys wanted more and would hang around on the off chance this would happen! I don’t and I’d want my partner not to, there are many other same sex people to hang around with and have fun with. This is my personal view after many year seeing how many snakes ( mainly men ) pretending to be friends whisper in there ears and just waiting to see if they will catch feelings for them. I want a partner a best friend someone that doesn’t need other men one on one to get by in life… it’s fine to think like you do and it’s fine for him to say no it’s also fine for you to leave and find someone who will see things how you do. Good luck!
You’re his girlfriend, not his keeper. You didn’t get to decide who he can and cannot be friends with. If you trust him, then there isn’t an issue. It’s up to him to reject any advances from other women.
So if you find it’s disrespectful if you did it to someone else’s relationship, why would you let someone else disrespect your relationship in the same manner? Sure, you don’t want to be controlling, but you also appear to not want to have a boyfriend that hangs out with girls alone. Either he adapts to your feelings of you are likely better off with a guy that does not find the need to hang with other women in this manner.
I hang out with my female friends alone all the time, it’s normal. I think it’s all about trust. I would be quite upset if I was told to not hang out with my female friends alone, especially when it’s a completely platonic hangout.
Your emotional self-assurance is yours to tend to. Trust isn’t about what the other person does or doesn’t do, it’s about your belief that no matter what happens in life, you’ll be able to handle it.
One of my best friends and I hang out every now and then where I sleep over at her place, I take the couch, she takes her bed(duh) and we just watch starwars till we can barely stay awake, it has never been anything more than friendly and never will be, and if I got a gf, I’d still continue to have my movie nights, they’re fun, and no, I wouldn’t want my gf there as both me and my friend are hella autistic so it’d get pretty overwhelming for us both, not saying he’s the same, but remember guys are actually stupid and clueless, to you, this girl clearly likes him, or just hates that you get his attention, but to him, he might just be a good friend, helping his own friend out, I recommend actually talking to him instead of sitting here, honestly, if he gets angry at you voicing a concern, this relationship is doomed to fail.
And I’d recommend voicing your concerns being about her, that her behavior makes you feel weirded out a bit, that she asks him to do all these things when anyone could help her.
And maybe try to go with him sometimes and see her reaction, and see their dynamic, try to get a read on what they actually do, maybe they just like hanging out, seeing is believing.
My wife very early on said to me, half in jest: “If you think you can do better than me, by all means, go for it. Just know that if I ever found out, there will be no second chances.” And I think that’s fair. Trust is sacred in a relationship. If you can’t trust your BF, there’s no point in staying together.
Now, maybe you are thinking: I trust him, I just don’t entirely trust that girl. But he’s not a spineless victim right? If she has plans, he’ll find out first – and it’s up to him to keep her at bay.
Just talk to him about this if you are insecure about it. Tell him that you are not worried about him, but maybe slightly concerned that she might get the wrong idea.
Ultimately, he’s either loyal to you or he isn’t. If your relationship is solid, no girl stands a chance.
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Honestly couldn’t care less what’s in the pants of my friends or my husbands friends. My husbands best friend is a girl, they talk and hang out pretty regularly and it’s not an issue for me.
What is with these young kids and needing to control their partner
Reddit will try to set your boundaries for you. I think there are a wide range of acceptable boundaries that work for people, ranging from limiting 1 on 1 interactions all the way to allowing close friendships, one on one platonic relationships, occasional travel. And everything in between.
If someone else is crossing lines and trying to make advances on him that’s something to bring up to him. You can also try to reset the boundary, but he may see it as overly controlling. Otherwise you need to adjust your perspective and get over it, many people don’t want to shut off/significantly adjust friendships for a relationship. I’m a guy with plenty of female friends that I occasionally hang out with 1 on 1, it’d suck to have to change that down the line and I don’t intend on doing so.