I can’t get past this terrible memory that I committed years ago

I wish to confess..

I think nobody knows about this yet.
Except that one person.

Few years ago, I had a heated argument with my ex girlfriend, a very humble person with whom I was deeply in love. As it escalated really badly, I lost it all. I started throwing insults, repetitively, and at some point I took it very personal and harassed her. I have verbally-sexually harassed my ex girlfriend.
Even since, I could not live one day without thinking about that sinister action. I haven’t had one day without feeling ashamed of myself. Ever since that relationship I was not able to feel “in love” with any other person. I didn’t and do not feel that I in the first place deserve love.

I apologized to her, more than once. I know apologies have nothing to do to the pain I caused to her and to myself.

Even after some time I asked her to sue me because it was a felony. I thought maybe “jail time” would lighten the guilt and pity I feel. She refused and told me to leave.

For years this memory lives in the background of my mind, I think about it, and the same intensity of guilt and regret hits.

I can’t feel anything. I don’t want to get myself in a relationship. I feel that I do not to be loved. And it weights.

I could not share this with anyone. For years I carried this inside of me, and I welcome every blame you put on me. I’m tired.