TW: self harm, anxiety, depression
1 year long relationship. So we are currently in a ldr but we’ve met irl and the relationship went super great so far, we were really unseparable and super super super close to each other and we had an unbeatable connection. We used to speak every single day and text each other good night paragraphs every time before we went to sleep. It was all going great, until 2 months ago.
For some reason I felt like he isn’t doing as many efforts as in the beginning partly because of his financial situation and I tried to speak to him about it and I asked him if he is getting bored of me. By example the 3rd time when we were irl he didn’t buy me flowers although he promised me to (he knows flowers mean a lot to me) (and also he got them for me the other 2 times) and idk it really hurt me and I felt like he is just speaking empty words. And another big mistake I admit I did was the fact that he was about to come visit me for my 18th birthday and he asked what gift I want and I wanted a 150$ gold bracelet and he asked me “does it really have to be gold?” and I was like “uhh i would prefer it because it doesn’t go black but if you can’t afford it you can get me a lipstick” and I sent him some affordable lipstick options because he was broke at the time. He apparently wanted to get me a 40€ bracelet but I usually only wear gold jewellery and I refused and I would’ve rather he got me something more in the price range. He also wanted to impress my family with a great gift and I suggested something to him. I wanted to make him feel better about it and I was like “lIl buy the bracelet myself and we will say you bought it, and when you have money you will give it back to me if u wanna, but no rush and no worries”. Also what bothered me is that he said “if this was me 2 years ago, i would’ve done anything to get it for you” and idk it made me feel unloved. Maybe I was wrong, but thinking of it now, goddamn, i realized it too late about how shitty this was of me and it must’ve broke him so bad and I’m so fucking sorry Idfk what was wrong with me. Also when he was irl we had to pay our own food and we used to save so much money because he was staying like 11 days and we always limited ourselves and had to count every penny (and that made me really stressed and overthink). He already works one job but the pay is shitty and it is barely enough for us. Back when he visited for the 1st time, he got a 2nd job before he came to me so he can save more, then he got tired of it and quit (which also made me question the efforts). Maybe it’s stupid of me but I’m really insecure about this money thing, I’m always stressed when we don’t have enough. We also had to take the bus and it was EXHAUSTING because we couldn’t afford a taxi. We were both annoyed and stressed because of this.
And so yes, I spoke to him when it all ended and he was back in his country. He got really insecure because of this and he started to tell me that I don’t appreciate his efforts enough, like the fact he comes to visit me. (I do, but I hate being under stress because of this money situation). I asked him if he would like to work his 2nd job again and I feel like he really hated me for this, then I told him 47392003 times that he doesn’t have to and I care about his mental health more than money so if he’s exhausted from it then he shouldn’t, well yet he still did. It turned into a huge argument and he started to run away (and it’s not the first time) instead of speaking to me about it and I got pissed at him and told him something like “I feel like i’m the man of the relationship because i always have to make you come back so we can speak”. He went bollocks over this and told me I “called him a woman” and that I hit his biggest insecurity and also he is super insecure about being called broke (which i didn’t?) and apparently I hit his “weakest spot”. And somehow he correlated these things with me being the man and him not having enough money (although they’re different, i called myself the man because of the way we solve arguments, not because I’m the breadwinner). After that argument he said some horrible things to me (like that “he was a normal boy before meeting me and now he is broke because of me”, “he was only depressed because of me who ruined his mental health because i made him care so much about me”, he said i manipulate him, he started to call me delusional and when i asked why he is offending me he told me to “take it like a man”, called me immature, broke up with me, then one day later came back and apologised and I took him back because i still loved him.
Fast forward 2 months later, we have seen each other irl one more time, he seemed normal, everything was great. We ran pretty low on money but I supported him and told him I have some with me and I could pay for it, but he got stubborn and he took me to his 2nd job that lasted the whole day and made 200 euro. I didn’t think about it much, I was happy he did it. On the last day of my stay I found a few chats with a girl he used to e-date that he texted (texted her about playing a game together 2-3 times, complimenting her voice even though he knew i was insecure about mine, telling her he likes the way she behaves, and other hurtful shit that was like micro-cheating?) when we were in a relationship and it broke me, I confronted him and he apologised and cried and he said it was because we argued and although I was mad af, I still forgave him. Then after I went back to my country, things changed because he started to work his 2nd job again.
He became a whole lot colder; more distant and I’m a really clingy person and I wanted to spend time with him and I asked him to quit it and stick to his 1st job because i really missed him and our old relationship. Then he brought up how “i wanted this” and i “made him insecure af and now he’s working 24/7 like a real man” and that he will buy me an iphone 16 bla bla. BUT I DONT NEED THAT, maybe i realized it too late, but actually i just needed his time and affection and i realized my prior mistake and i apologised to him 1 million times and begged him for a 2nd chance. he started to tell me he is “like a 50 year old husband who hates coming home because of his wife” , that “i wont stop fucking his head” and i’m overreacting, dramatic and its not that deep, but my mistake was eating me inside out. his coldness started to overwhelm me and i begged him to be with me and that i’m about to cut and drink and i need his help, but his answer was only “okay” and went to do his job, when in the past he used to help me. i cried and cut so bad my skin split in half, i drank and i vomited for the first time and it was so scary. he ghosted me the whole night and i texted him at 4am with the tiniest bit of hope left in me that he would care, he answered the next morning with “i cant be responsible for you”. i had like 3 breakdowns and he told me “eugh, you are so… exhausting”. i begged him to give me another chance in the end and i thought he did, things went pretty well the next week, although i was holding myself back so bad from needing his attention and being clingy, i tried to convince myself it went well with him being absent almost the whole time, but then it happened again. once he came back from work earlier and he promised to spend more time with me and i was so happy, in the end he only had a monologue about how much he loves his car and how his car knows him at his best and at his worst (and idk that really hurt me because i was the one who always helped him and i got him out of his alcoholism and depression and i made him eat again bc he had an eating disorder when we met). then, after promising he would play with me, he told me he wanted to sleep and i told him smth like “okay i get i wont ever be your priority” and he got super mad and offended at me for it and he went to sleep on bad terms… it hurt so bad. so bad, because we never did that, we always talked every argument out. it really destroyed me but he still wouldn’t quit his job solely because of his insecurity and ego. i wanted him to for this relationship to work and i wanted to be given a chance to talk things out and make him have a break by quitting this job because he always complains about how he can’t be there for me because it’s exhausting to work 12 hours a day. well he got stubborn and told me i wont get what i want this time and i send him around like a dog, and that i have to support the consequences of my own actions. he also told me i have to suffer from this and couldn’t stop blaming me for the mistake i did while i was begging him to quit for the sake of us. he also told me something like “i wont trust you with this again. i can’t believe you wont call me broke” “when you cal me broke again, i will take a picture of my money stack and send it to you” and i felt so humiliated like i’m a stripper he wants to throw money at ? idk. and imo i know i was mistaken but i wanted to fix it so bad, i really did, and in order for this, he has to make the effort of being vulnerable with me again like he was before. but he just doesn’t want to, he gets super defensive with me and tells me i want him weak, i want to manipulate and control him, i’m selfish, etc. i told him a real selfish person would make him work to exhaustion and spend all his money in clubs. according to him “letting him work” will fix this and make him stop blaming me every day for my mistake. but i just can’t because i want to be with him and i cant and its eating me inside, also i know that he doesn’t work bc he wants a better life for us, he works because of his broken ego that he’s trying to rebuild. i tried to help him and i wanted one more chance to show him how much i regret it, but he said “i will work until my confidence builds up again” and i told him forcing an insecure behavior will only make you more insecure, well he didn’t listen. on top of that, i can’t bear the fact he is gone the whole day, we barely text, and when he’s home, we go to sleep. i miss the attention i used to have from him. and i don’t get why this is all so out of a sudden, because he wasn’t this way 1 month ago. he treats me like i’m his biggest enemy and he told me “instead of crying waaa i’m so lonely you should get a grip and be a wife to me and support me when i come exhausted home from work” and i asked him “but who supports me?” and he told me he has it 200492 times harder than me because i’ve never worked a day in my life and basically my feelings aren’t valid and i’m dramatic and overreacting. why is he asking for the housewife treatment from me? it was never this way before. and one week ago when we tried to talk this out one last time he got so angry on call that he started to yell at me. i told him “yell at me like a real man does , right?” and hung up. he told me “provoke me like a real lady does, right?”. i told him i’m tired of this and he told me “leave me”. i said okay and i broke up. 24 hours later i get a “i miss u text” then some short apology with no motivation of change in it. i texted him after 3 days of no contact and he looked idk sad? obviously i was cold because i was hurt and i told him “this is doomed”. he again got cold asf (even in the arguments he was switching up so fast going from telling me “i care about you and i will chase you my whole life and i love you the most” to some more blaming for my mistake) and his answer was “if you say so” (no motivation to fix anything, i don’t know. i feel like i did everything i could to fix this from my side). i asked him “you don’t?” and got ghosted. i don’t even know what to do anymore. i’m so confused. do i deserve this treatment? is it my fault? should i be blamed my whole life for this? i feel like i’m always the one trying to fix these kinds of arguments
to whoever read this, thank you a lot i really appreciate it