TW: mentions of SA
The title is pretty self explanatory. I was taken advantage of when i was a teen by my then “boyfriend” its a little hard to explain. I loved him and i thought i was ready to do the things he wanted us to do but i guess i wasnt? I usually didnt wanna do anything sexual with him but i just said ok since i kinda just was ok with him using me. Like, i was “okay” with him using my body for his pleasure, even though it didnt give me any and even though i though it was really gross and i felt like crap anytime we did something. I usually just laid there thinking “i just want this to end already”. I think it sort of messed with my head. Now anytime i try to pleasure myself i cry and it really sucks. I cry thinking that im a (sexist slur) for letting him do all that stuff to me especially at such a young age. (he was only a year older than me but we were both teens) Im not sure if its because of him but he probably played a role in it too. I wonder if its really that hard to ask for consent and check up on your partner. I just wanna jerk off without crying and feeling so bad for once
Comments
I’m sorry for what happened to you, you already did the hardest thing to do which is realizing why you are feeling this way so your healing process has already begun. Please, reach for therapy, no one has control over our bodies It doesn’t matter what happened before and we cannot let anyone deny us from enjoying ourselves.
Look for a good therapist, don’t rush it, it will be a process, but things will get better. Don’t even give a second of your thoughts to the person who did this to you. Big hug stranger, things will get better.
I’m so sorry 🙁 no wonder you have such a hard time with your sexuality now. Definitely not an easy task to separate past sexual trauma from your current sex life, but completely possible with the right help. That type of shame is so insidious too, it’s so shitty how it convinced you that you did something wrong when you’re the one who feels bad and hurt