I honestly don’t think I’ll ever be the same again. I don’t think I’ll smile again.
For context, I (22M) come from a very ‘normal’ family, that has always emphasised family values and love and virtuosity. I had parents who I feared as a child, because they were quite strict, and generally confided with my older sister as I reached my mid teens.
My mother had always been one to never let us put a lock on our phone, because she wanted to check it’s contents over and over again. Numerous times I’ve been punished, and once when they found out I had a girlfriend, I had to go without my phone for a year in high school. My mother, however, was the only one to have put a lock on her phone. And it wouldn’t be accessible to anyone, even my dad, who never seemed to ask for it.
When I was 17, I Once found my mothers phone unlocked, and found messages of her being extremely flirtatious, and even confessing love to another man. It was horrifying, and I was so scared of it all. I couldn’t believe my eyes, as at one point of time, the man she was involved with was showing pictures of his family to dissuade my mother from continuing this relationship, but none of that mattered to her. She loved him, apparently. Unfortunately, being a teenager, and only having around 3 minutes on her phone before she came back to the room, I was entirely unsure of it all. I wasn’t sure of what I had read, and was in denial of it for many years.
Until one day my sister was on call with me and spoke about how she didn’t realise the traumas caused to her years till into the future, until it was triggered. And only then did I first bring this up with anyone in my life. And, God, mentioning it to her was the scariest thing in my life, because I wasn’t sure if she’d believe me or not. To, what I consider abject horror now, but shock then, she told me she knew! This wasn’t my mom’s first affair either! It’s been going on for a long time, and she mentioned that my mother has been doing this since before I was born.
I’m sick to my stomach. For the past two days, I’ve been unable to sleep, my work is being affected, and I can’t think of anything else. My sister knows, and she told me that she hinted about this to my father, who told her in code that he feigns ignorance to a lot of things that happen in this house to keep up appearances for everyone.
It’s one thing that I was afraid of my parents. Every thing they ever did, every flaw they had up until then justified them being harsh with me, and me fearing them. This. This just doesn’t fit into any description of life. I feel like a shattered vase who will never get back together.
My biggest fear is that I don’t even know if I’m my own father’s child. I’m taller than both my parents, I do have a skin tone similar to my dad’s, and I have my mother’s nose, but that’s about where a lot of my similarities end. I just don’t know what to do with myself, and how I’m supposed to ever look my family in their eyes.
I feel like every emotion of joy, happiness, and love I felt in my childhood was a lie. Every time my father was vindictive to my mother, which made me feel so much hatred to my father, now feels like it wasn’t nearly enough. I’m not supposed to pass judgement, but I’ve been in a relationship with a woman I love for over 6 years. If this is how my life would end up, I don’t think I’d be able to handle it.
I’m beyond lost. Everything else seems so small now, now that I’ve lost my perception of my family.
Comments
Easily one of the most horrifying things I have read. Are you going to confront your mother?
First things first. You need to get yourself into therapy. You need to talk about this and everything you mention and beyond, with a professional who will help you to get your thoughts in order, deal with them and get your life on track. Put yourself first here and now, take care of yourself and let your parents deal with their own problems. They are not yours. Perhaps going low contact, or even no contact, with them would be good idea, at least for the time being.
Be strong and look after yourself.
I found out my father was kicked out of the house for having an affair with multiple women in his office by finding emails my mother had printed out of them talking about it that were meant to be thrown away. I didnt really know what to think or feel about it. I felt a bit of betrayel I guess or maybe just feeling left out that my siblings and mother knew and never told me that thats why he had to leave. I was maybe close to 20 when I found out Im 30 now I wonder how long they wouldn’t have told me or maybe if they ever would.