I’m in my mid 20s and don’t know how I can keep loving and losing new things.
I just feel very tired. I lost my childhood dog and cat in the last couple years (they were both long-lived boys; I was very lucky), and a close friend a few months after. I’m tired of grieving and I feel like I’ve been grieving a little all the time for a very long time. I feel deeply sad and it is sometimes debilitating.
As a quick aside, I know people have gone through a lot more, and I’m not claiming I have things worse than anyone else.
I just don’t know how everyone else is doing it. I don’t know how I’m supposed to live presumably another few decades, learning to love more things and inevitably losing more of the things and people I love.
I’m looking for advice or comfort, some input from people who have lived longer and lost and learned. Thanks in advance.
Comments
‘Time’ is the answer, my friend. I lost a brother to suicide when he was a teen and I was even younger. My wife and dad died on the same day a little less than 10 years ago (unrelated causes) and my mom passed about two and a half years ago after a month of hospice in my home. Both of my dogs each passed the following year within months of each other at home too. I feel you. And, I won’t lie – each of these deaths hit hard and each left lifelong lasting impressions. But, what I’ve found is that regardless of how much it hurts (and it does, believe me!), the further away you get from it, the better you become at being able to handle it. And, don’t try to wing it on your own. For my wife, I saw a grief therapist for close to a year. At first I thought I didn’t need it, but so many pointed out to me that there was no shame and nothing wrong with it. You leave places behind and pets/people will leave you behind – it’s ok, just take it all a day at a time and breathe. Best of luck to you.
Grief and tears are liquid love. Here’s what I have done: Cry my ass of for days. When my dad died, my sister and I wailed together. He died a very long time ago now, and I still get choked up when I talk about him. When my mom died, I created a video of her life and cried my eyes out and shared it with my family at her funeral, where they also cried their eyes out. When my brother died (too young), I created scrapbooks for every member of my family about his life. I gave a speech at his funeral that I was very proud of. I adored my brother.
The most important part of my story is that it is really important to realize that you don’t cry about things you don’t love with all your heart. And loving someone so much that you cry for them when they are gone is a wonderful, beautiful thing.
I cried when I lost my dog. It took years for me get another one, and ended up with 3 of them. Two are now really old. I will cry for them, too.
When you mourn people and pets, you are honoring their existence. And you hope someone will honor your existence, too. You are lucky indeed if even one person mourns the loss of you in this world.
Love is worth the crying.
Loss is just a part of life, and it’s something we never really get used to. The only thing we can do is to keep moving forward because life goes on. There’s not many people who haven’t dealt with grief, and at times like this, it helps to talk with someone who understands what you’re going through.
Your dog and your cat and your friend wouldn’t want you stuck in your grief. They would want you to be happy and to live a fulfilling life.
Focus on the present and be thankful for the time you have. Spend time with people who are important to you. Hug Grandma if she’s still around. Take joy in the new things that will continue to come into your life, be it pets, partners, children, or even a darn good book. Sure, loss is an inevitable part of life, but it’s not the only part. Keeping that in perspective is important. Good luck.
Therapy is the answer
It helps to not think you’re special.
This is the human condition and people have been wrestling with it since we started to evolve past survival mode.
Done any kind of exploration of philosophy, religion, etc.? Science and biology are late in life interests and I find them soothing in a surprising way.
You can’t live unless other things die, how do you reconcile that basic biological fact?