I had a confusing interaction with my partner of 18 months at the weekend. Lately, we have been discussing marriage and children.
We are early 30s.
He is divorced having got married very young, and said he’s open to marriage again but not 100% ready yet. He was a definite yes to kids. I should also mention we are from different countries in Europe.
So last weekend he basically sits me down and says that after a lot of thought, he’s decided that long term he wants to return to his home country to live and raise a family. The country is Denmark which is one of the best to raise a family. That said, we live in Scotland where I’m from, he is very Scottish himself after 10 years here, and very much part of my family. I thought our future was here.
So this was like a grenade thrown at me because I’d been lead to believe long term he was happy to stay in the UK, and visit Denmark in the holidays (summer homes are cheap, he’s thinking of buying one).
Anyway, I reply there would be a lot more to think about but that, yes, I’m definitely open to a move of that kind with him in the future (I am in theory but needs much more thought). He then says ‘in that case…’, and presents me with this ring and a poem he wrote himself!
At this point I thought he was proposing. I asked for clarification and he said it was a gift.
Comments
I think your early 30’s is too old to be screwing around with this kind of stuff…He knew what the ring was and it’s a weird gift. Don’t move to Denmark until you are minimum engaged if not married.
Move on. Why would he date someone if he is unsure about marriage? He should have told you that in the beginning.
Granted, the ring is a nice sentiment if you are ok with never getting married.
I don’t think I would want a promise ring in my 30’s. It’s kinda like he thought it was close enough to what you wanted so it might be good enough? I don’t know. I don’t really understand why he would do that.
I believe this is what r/waiting_to_wed calls a ‘shut up ring’
I dunno I get weird vibes from the timing of telling you he wants to move there and that is a big ask and youre open but rightfully hesitant/having a need for more discussion then he gives a ring and a poem? It just feels like something to try to nudge you a yes and string you along to follow his ask to get a “real ring” after. I’m not trying to be pessimistic but even if it isn’t manipulative it’s pretty emotionally ignorant if he doesn’t “get” that it’s pretty obtuse of a timing to present “just a gift”. I dunno I have no tolerance for people who are kinda dense.
Yeah I think it’s a bit weird. He should have been more intentional about what the ring was for or if he wanted to give a gift not do a ring? I think you definitely have to have a more concrete conversation about what your future is. If he doesn’t want to get married again that’s fine but he needs to be honest with you. And if you want to get married I would not pack up and move to another country as his girlfriend.
From my own experience my fiance gave me a kind of promise ring for our first anniversary. It was a Claddagh to replace the one I had before that was getting super warped. He said it wasn’t an engagement ring but he hoped that someday soon he would be able to propose with a proper ring. For me this was touching because we both knew we were not in the right place to commit to marriage yet (mid 20s, first serious relationship for both of us, we both still lived at home and couldn’t afford to move out yet) but it was both where we saw ourselves longterm.