This feels almost ridiculous to complain about because I know most people would prefer it this was than the opposite: but I feel my (30F) boyfriend (25M) tries too much and it’s pushing me away.
We’ve been together 3 months. He’s the loveliest guy in the world, and I know he has the best intentions, but I’m finding it too much. I’ve told him I find some behaviors overbearing and smothering, but it just doesn’t seem to sink in.
An example would be: I spend all weekend with my boyfriend. My Mon-Fri job is incredibly intense at the moment, and I’m regularly working 12 hour days so have pivoted to working from home. It’s a highly social job where I’m speaking often for 9+ hours per day, so when I finish I value peace and downtime. He asked to come over with dinner and just “sit” while I work. I feel this encroaches on my space, and doesn’t allow me the downtime/personal time I need to switch off after work – which I’ve repeatedly said was important to me. I expressed this to him and explained I feel unheard, and he said he’s just trying to make me happy but sees nothing wrong with his suggestion – in fact, he thinks I’m the problem for rejecting his efforts and showing “no appreciation at all.”
Each evening he calls me to say goodnight (when I’m still working) and tells me every intricate detail of his day, because he feels that’s what people in relationships do. As horrible as this sounds, it’s exhausting for me to hear it all when I’m still trying to focus on other things.
He introduced me to his parents recently (despite my hesitations) and is pushing me to meet his friends this weekend – he’s really excited for me to meet them. But he hasn’t asked me at all how I feel about this. On the other side, I’ve only just told my parents I’m dating someone. It feels like such a mis-alignment in where we see the relationship as being at.
I’ve asked to slow things down but he isn’t hearing me. I’m crumbling under the intensity and pressure, and whenever I express this, he just gets upset. I know I should be grateful I’ve got someone who puts in so much effort and cares so much – I feel like there’s something wrong with me for complaining about this – but this intertwining of our lives is too much for me this early on.
I care for him and I want to make this work, but I need my space too.
How do I make him see that there is such thing as too much effort?
TLDR; my boyfriend is trying too much and I’m finding it overbearing. I’ve communicated this to him and asked to slow down the relationship but it’s like he can’t hear me. He thinks I’m wrong for rejecting his efforts.
Comments
Stop wanting to make it work with someone who has absolutely zero regards for your actual wants and needs and thinks he knows better than you about every single thing you say.
He doesn’t have a lick of respect for you, he wants what he wants and doesn’t give a shit what you want. This man is not relationship material.
Move on. You aren’t compatible. He does not respect you or your boundaries.
He sees you expressing yourself as “the problem”. Your own words
He doesn’t listen to you. He tries to make you feel bad when you speak up. Why would you want to spend time with someone like this?
I had this once, I had to walk away but looking back I can see that I had some avoidant attachment issues mixed in, triggered by his love bombing/anxious attachment tendencies Glad I walked awya because although he was nice we weren’t compatible and I gently explained at the end to him about what I felt was love bombing behaviour and he thanked me for it actually. Sometimes people are ready to reflect but not always…
You’re incompatible. Break up.
The speed really isn’t the issue here. It’s the fact that you not wanting to do things exactly his way makes you a problem in his opinion. Basically, he’s telling you that what he wants is the only valid thing to want. This attitude isn’t going to dissappear later in your relationship, it will get worse.
The speed really isn’t the issue here. It’s the fact that you not wanting to do things exactly his way makes you a problem in his opinion. Basically, he’s telling you that what he wants is the only valid thing to want. This attitude isn’t going to dissappear later in your relationship, it will get worse.
Dude needs to understand that alone time is okay and healthy in a relationship. And he can text goodnight instead of call.
Have you tried writing it down and giving it him? Sometimes that sinks in better with a person than being told.
Yeah, I think this is just an incompatibility tbh. I dated a guy like this when I was in your sort of POV, and he was lovely and wonderful but it just wasn’t what I wanted in a relationship. I’m now with someone who suits what I want much better, and so is he. I think this guy just isn’t the one.
He’s getting upset at you for trying to communicate your feelings.
It’s been three months, it should be honeymoon phase, he should be at the very least hiding this from you. end it now, it will get much worse.
He’s ignoring you and treating you like an NPC and not a real person. I dated his guy. It’s like he’s getting his script from a cheesy rom-con, and I’m a generic female person who he has zero interest in getting to know.
Break up. Tell him why.
You don’t need to put up with this. A man should want to make your life better and easier, not more stressful.
At your job at least you get paid lol.
Sit him down and ask him to listen without interruption. He’s allowed to feel his feelings, but tell him you want him to listen. There’s something called “active listening” where the listener isn’t allowed to interject except to ask questions of clarification. At the end, the listener summarizes what the speaker said in their own words. Then the speaker can make clarifications or adjustments to help with understanding.
When you do this, do your best to avoid “you” statements. Such as “you do this” or “you do that.” Focus on how you feel – like if you have to talk about something he does, make the center of your statement about your feelings, not his actions. And make sure you are truthful about how much this is affecting you. Tell him how you want this to work because you appreciate who he is, but you are feeling like your needs aren’t being heard.
If he still refuses to acknowledge, then you just have needs that are too different. Love isn’t always enough.
Its only been 3 months and he’s moving way too fast disregarding your feelings. Break up. Had a similar experience recently. Needless to say, she and I aren’t together anymore.
I was single for most of my “dating life” because I thought that my insecurities and discomforts around/due to others was something I needed to overcome and work on. Looking back I think I had a hard time understanding where compatibility ended and my neurodivergence began. The only reason I agreed to commit to my current partner is because it was the first time I felt like I didn’t need to change a goddamn thing.
I totally understand needing to decompress after work and I have a corperate job. And he does seem very Gung ho and keep in mind he is young. I see where you are feeling overwhelmed.
He is communicating he needs a partner who wants to spend quality time with him, that’s his love language. He clearly wants you to be a part of his life and wants to share his with you through time, because that’s his love language.
You want to compartmentalize. You have a compartment for you, a compartment for work, and a compartment for him. Relationships don’t work that way.
While it is valid to set boundaries and need time to decompress, if you want to have a relationship with him, you need to be intentional with also giving time to him to love him where he receives it.
And it boils down to two things:
Either you are in love with him and are willing to do that
Or you are not in love with him and are not willing to do that at this time
And I don’t mean that you have to spend time on his terms every time you are allowed to also set boundaries and have your needs met too. You need to communicate and say “Hey during the week I’m busy with work and I don’t not have the energy to give you the time you need, so let’s stake time on the weekends to spend with one another and talk about our weeks”. You could tell him to send you a text about his day and set an alarm 15 minutes earlier to respond. You can set boundaries and be intentional.
However if you do not feel that this is something you are willing to do you need to break it off, because you both deserve to have your needs met and wither you see a future with this guy or you dont.
I’m very disappointed by people here suggesting straight up to break up. It’s not what OP asked.
Only a matter of time before your attraction and respect for him goes to zero. It’s his fault if he doesn’t want to listen to make you feel heard and understood.
There’s nothing wrong with what you are complaining about. It is needy, clingy behavior on his part. Internally you are thinking “Don’t you have anything better to do?” and you’re right, he should.
He’s made you too routine in his life.
Spending time at your place to just sit while you work?
Calling every single night to share details of the day?
He’s acting like the girl in a relationship.
Doesn’t listen to you when you tell him what’s wrong, which would actually help him?
Dude’s about to lose a girl and get hit hard.
You’re not wrong. All the mystery and excitement is gone, while also not respecting your space.
If he just laid back, did his own thing, you’d actually appreciate his presence more and give you the space to actually miss him.
Lads – Always give your woman some space to allow herself to feel and miss you. Most women will complain about this but it’s actually what they want.
“This feels almost ridiculous to complain about because I know most people would prefer it this was than the opposite” – Because what you think you want logically, is completely different to what you want and respond to emotionally.
I think it sounds more like he’s currently heading down the path of codependency. And honestly, he’s sounds like he has more of an anxious preoccupied attachment style. He’s someone that needs a person to make him feel needed, instead of being able to fulfill his own needs while still balancing a healthy relationship. Whereas, you possibly are someone that enjoys space and alone time, but also enjoys engaging with others in moderation. Him needing to always need you, or be near you is suffocating your mental energy, which in turn pushes you away from him, which also in turn triggers him in a way that causes him to try and get even closer to you because he’s insecure. Only work around becoming emotionally secure will help this situation.
I think you should reclaim your Friday nights as decompression time. If you’re spending the entire weekend together, he does not need to have Fridays night too and he definitely doesn’t need to come over early to stare at you drooling while you work.
It’s pretty weird that he’s acting injured about basic boundaries and telling you that you don’t appreciate him. He’s insecure and this is subtly demanding. You keep having talks, telling him what you need, and asserting a few really basic boundaries, and he’s fully dismissing them while continuing to do exactly what he wants to do. You’ve only been dating 3 months. Not only is this too short of a time span to demand all your free time (AND encroach on your work time), but this is insanely early to be displaying dismissive / controlling / needy behavior.
If he truly, honestly cared about you moreso than he cared about indulging his own neediness, he would respect your boundaries. I understand that you’re his favorite drug but he’s gotta chill. This is too much too soon. I’d keep an eye out for other possessive and dismissive behaviors.
I’m wondering if you have a bit of an avoidant attachment pattern. Wanting to come over and wanting time together or to discuss ones day is a normal thing. You seem a bit uneasy about that level of intimacy so either he is the wrong guy or you run as an avoidant heart.
I’m 48, a California “dude”. It’s taken years of therapy to be able to understand the guy you describe. I wasn’t this bad, but, he’s selfish, not because of evil but immaturity. He has suffering from something in his family structure, probably dear old mom.
And anytime he wants something, and you’re not “absolutely! YAY!” each time, he takes it as a rejection of himself. because he’s trying to impress someone in his past, he’s laying that on you, and he’s creating a pressure on himself *you are not putting on him*.
And that desire to impress, and “failing” in his eyes, makes him hurt, and insecure, so then reactive, so he tries harder to connect.
And you personally have healthy boundaries, but he does not. So when you naturally communicate your boundaries, he sees it as a rejection of who he is. And that’s going to take therapy or a long, LONG time for him to come to terms with.
OH… after 15 years of marriage and 17 years in a relationship, you get to a point: it takes brutal honesty, and if you have a partner that is too weak minded to talk respectfully and maturely about extremely complex and emotional topics without self-awareness, accountability, or capacity to grow, life is going to be a struggle and nightmare for you. Just wait until your parents are ailing and passing, and friends are stricken, or one of you gets sick. A healthy partnership is too important for your mental health and longevity to risk things.
I think the simplest answer is “I am not really putting much pressure on you for this relationship, and I think you are putting a LOT of pressure on yourself. I’m happy, but stop feeling like you need to be perfect and pressure yourself.” and then explain how you view alone time and down time as a celebration of him accepting you, etc.
Have you considered that your default settings are just not compatible and nobody is wrong?
It’s been 3 months, you guys gave it a shot, agree to disagree and let him find a girl to shower with attention who appreciates it and find yourself a guy who can spend 5 minutes on his own and respects that you need to as well.
It’s like finding an android charger and trying to stuff it into an iphone and then being surprised it doesn’t work.
He’s immature at best. Controlling at worst. He negates all of your feelings.
Sounds like hell.
He sounds like the kind of guy to get you jewelry for Valentine’s Day even though you dont wear jewelry. “But you’re supposed to like it. Any other girl would be so impressed with how much I spent on this!”
It really doesnt sound like he sees you or is even interested in getting to know who you actually are. You’re just filling a girlfriend-sized hole in his life.
There isn’t any string of words that will get this guy to understand that you’re a real, living, discrete individual with youre own thoughts, preferences, and pace of life. Ive found that men either understand youre your own person, or they dont, or they learn it after getting their heart absolutely demolished at some point and then do some therapy about it.
It really isnt your responsibility to give this guy these (much needed) life lessons. Cut him loose. Go find someone you loves you for who you are.