Starting when I was six, my mother started saying “tone of voice!” to me when she didn’t like how I said something, and I would then be expected to repeat what I said in a more polite tone of voice. (I remember not being certain what made a tone of voice “rude”, just that I was speaking wrong somehow. Being a young child, there probably were plenty of times I was petulant or rude, of course!)
She would also tell me off for mumbling or saying “I don’t know” too many times in response to questions she asked me. This mostly resulted in me being a very quiet child, lol. Anyone else have similar experiences, or was that normal?
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Yes, and facial expressions. It’s all about control.
Yes. I had to be careful with my tone of voice. My nmom, on the other hand, could use hers however she wanted.
My word was “fresh” everything I said was fresh, every time I blinked it was being fresh. Just a 1950’s way of calling me rude or a brat. Wasn’t allowed to speak either. Now as an adult, I don’t speak, why waste my breath. I’m all facial expressions now, I don’t need words to tell you what you just said was insane
Same with my narc parents and I hate how meek I’ve grown to be. I feel like I have no voice and I’m careful not to act smarter than other people. I feel like I could have been a powerful communicator if I had been raised in a different household.
Yes, even if I sighed in a way they didn’t like they would say something. It’s all about control.
Tone of voice, what I said & how I said it, facial expressions, how I sat, how I stood. I was a puppet.
I thought that it is a part of culfure (Asian culture), I did not associate it with Abuse back then.
Tone, volume, mumbling, you name it. She is hard of hearing on top of it, so I got yelled at for whispering and then yelled at for being too loud. I wanted to say, “Why do you think I habitually talk so loudly? Because YOU COULD NEVER HEAR ME.”
Omg absolutely, it’s terrible
Yes and the look on my face and still as an adult at 40
Yup, I eventually became super monotone and still faced. I used sarcasm to cope so much it became part of how I spoke and no one was able to tell sarcasm vs not from me. I’m still actively learning how to not use sarcasm and finding my voice that carries my emotions correctly. It’s very frustrating.
Yep. “Don’t shout at me” is engrained in my head forever and of course she denies it whenever I say the same thing.
Yes! My narcissistic mother was NOTORIOUS for doing that to us! It was the most infuriating experience ever, it would be during a normal conversation, I’d be talking about my day or something that happened in school, and my mother would constantly tell me to watch my “tone”, sometimes if we criticized her, she’d get mad and say “watch your tone”, even worst during arguments, she would start every argument we ever had and if we tried to stand up or logically respond she’d use it as a way to egg you on by saying “you are being rude watch your tone” even though she would some of the vilest things I heard anyone say in my life.
Bottom line it’s all about CONTROL, and frankly stupidity!
Oh my! Yes!
My mother used to flip her shit every time I said “I don’t know” at one point she banned me from ever saying I don’t know in response to one of her questions. i literally just felt like I didn’t know or she needed me to respond before I could think of an answer when I was saying it then she would tell me I had too much “tone” in my voice and then I would be so confused that I would get a “tone” in my voice or I was “being too fresh” and she would give me punishments as a child. She mostly just took away all screens I could access but this meant losing a lot of friends as they all were able to text each other and plan times to hang out but I was still getting put in “timeout” and being told to go sit on the stairs. She would egg me on just calling everything I did a bad tone of voice and I would get so offended I would try to defend myself and then i actually did have tone in my voice. I think sometimes she just wanted to punish me so she would try and make me mad so she could take my things away. Saying I had tone in my voice when I didn’t was the easiest way to get the little kid version of me to use the MOST tone in my voice to try and express my sincerity. She just hated me and wanted to take my things away from me. I blocked her last month :/
Yep, plus my facial expression, and how I was standing/holding myself. No slouching, no looking down, but don’t stare at her, can’t cross my arms cause that says I’m not open to the conversation, etc etc.
I still don’t know what to do with myself when I interact with people and I’m 30. I’m also hyper aware of everyone else’s tone, but I have no idea what my own is doing at any given time. I’ll say something in what I think is a neutral tone and everyone around me is like “whoa why are you mad?”
Ugh. All the time. My “favorite” memory is when I was perched on the couch reading the Harry Potter stuff, nmom walked by the room, watched me for a few seconds and then told me to “stop it with the attitude.”
My family moved to a country, my nparent then proceeded to trash talk the language in that country, meaning we had to learn it perfectly and fit in, but not show our nparent that we valued the language. Slang terms especially were a no-no. It was the worst.
Yep. Apparently I was the drama queen of the family. Any show of expression or emotion = drama
Yes, tone of voice and expressions. Even as an adult my father would tell me to watch my tone and my mother would get set off if I even looked at her funny. Watch your tone was always their favorite phrase though.
My dad would frequently yell at me to criticize my tone if I was even slightly assertive. He still does this in fact.
There was never a “right” tone and they just want to complain.
Fed up with any non-relatives who tone police you. Like who are you to talk to me this way.
Rather than “tone of voice”, I’d be ridiculed for days for anything above minor emotion shown. So essentially i shoved everything down to become reactionless
Ohhh yeah absolutely.
and then you ask what about your expression or tone was bad and they take that as talking back 😭😭😭😭
Yes. Tone of voice. Facial expressions always wrong. Not chewing correctly. They need to feel control over everything.
My nmom treated me like that until I was 18 and I left. Now we barely talk and she cries to my sister about her relationship with me and how I’m bad for ending it. Not an ounce of her understands why I walked away.
I have a lot of memories lost from the times I was abused and gaslit; my brain just suppresses it.
This hit a familiar chord – and I remembered the emotion I felt then. I knew even then, it had nothing to do with the tone. It’s only as an adult I now wonder if those moments were the times I refused to be a doormat.
Tone, volume, and face
Reading all of this is so validating for me. I thought it only happened to me, and I’ve often minimised how much it hurt me, even though it absolutely did. I’m so sorry we’ve all had to go through it though.
Tone and facial expressions were a daily conversation. My dad’s favorite thing to say was “why in the fuck are you walking around here looking like someone just shot your dog?” when just minding my business and having a neutral expression.
Yes, but if I pointed out that she had a tone problem, she would be furious.
Yes. I have a lovely voice it’s what people always mention when they talk to me.
As an adult, I was constantly corrected for having a loud voice. I finally put up a boundary about this and stopped seeing my parents. They told me that “we’ve talked to some of our friends and we all agreed that the person with the loudest voice in the room is the most arrogant.”
What an awful thing to say. A ridiculous claim to make. And another example of how abusive the manipulation was.
Oh yeah. Sweet and respectful was the only tone allowed. Things really went down the toilet when I hit 11 years old and got argumentative and wanted to be able to say my piece.
My dad was very into tone policing and would glean all sorts of information from my facial expressions.
Yep, I’m only just now trying to figure out what my natural voice sounds like in my early 30’s
I got “stop being snotty!” So much so that the word “snotty” triggers me.
Yep. And if I corrected my tone and they still weren’t happy, I got punished for “mocking” them by being too polite. It was a fine and sometimes nonexistent line to walk. Couldn’t look angry or upset either, couldn’t cross my arms or stand too still or move to much or blink funny or breathe too loudly or unevenly because that was “rebellion.”
Yeah and I never really understood it so I resorted to a monotone robotic voice which got me in even more trouble!
Yes, they wanted me to perform. There was no room for my humanity.
My mom tried and failed at this, because I read a book about stoicism when I was 10 that ended up with her stopping that behavior when she couldn’t read me emotionally anymore. Which is when she started changing her tune until her favorite game became, “let’s try to break him mentally and see when he cracks so that I can play the victim” as her go to solution.
After she sabotaged multiple opportunities I shut down on her to the point she started complaining that I was secretive and distant, and my response was always to laugh and say “you asked for it”. After I outted her with a truth nuke she started saying she doesn’t want it anymore, I told her “you lost the right to choose that when you tried to destroy me”. We don’t talk anymore and I’m happy for it.
Yes! Also as an adult. It is always my ‘tone’ that is the problem. I am not very loving in my tone in her opinion and it makes me a cold and bad person.
HOLY FUCK YES!!! And thanks to being told that as a child now that I am an adult I still have issues.
This is absolutely one of those things that overlap between “raised by a narcissist” and “undiagnosed autism.” Or both, not saying those are mutually exclusive.
Yup, I’d get yelled at for talking too much, or not enough. If I was too quiet or too loud. Everything was “disrespectful” even when crying.
I vividly remember crying (silently as to not be a bother) when my grandmother passed. I was in charge of taking care of her after I got off school from age 9-14. My mom flew into a rage because “how dare I cry,” it was her mother and I had no right to cry.
She often accused me of trying to be the center of attention even though that was the opposite of what I ever wanted.
“Don’t you take that tone with me.”
My dad always told us we had to “watch the A-word” – A being Attitude. We were charismatic evangelicals, so we had to be smiley and nice.
He would then along with my mother hit us. He once chased me up the stairs to smack me, in a rage.
As soon as I chased my sister, rage was back to being bad again.
Oh constantly from my narcissistic mother.
“Don’t you take that tone with me, I’m your MOTHER!” (delivered as a scream)
Yes, and now I think I am autistic. Makes a lot of sense, and I still struggle with tone modulation. I was always “too loud” (SHHHH!!!), or too quiet (SPEAK UP!!).
Omg you just unlocked a memory. Always watch your tone 😡
Yes. I also wasn’t allowed to have facial expressions or laugh. Smiling was highly discouraged.
Look between their eyes at the bridge of the nose. They will not realize you are not making eye contact (like my nmom demanded), and it is easier to keep your expression bland. Plus, they honestly lose it when your face doesn’t give them the reaction they want. Just don’t smile or laugh when they lose it.
Mine goes off on me for tones I don’t even think I have
Yes and now I struggle with the same issue of perceiving tone as an attack or yelling. It was both something I constantly got in trouble for and something I became extremely sensitive to because it would indicate what mood my mom was in
“It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.”
I also said, “I don’t know,” when they were verbally abusing me. This was years before social media, but even as a very young child I was trying to grey rock them. But in the end they’d attack me for saying that. It was my way of refusing to give in, refusing to admit that they were right that I was a horrible child with no redeeming qualities. (Not that they or I put it in those words.)
Omg. Memory unlocked. And now …. hated my tone, now I have a horrid time about tone of voice.
Ugh yes. My father convinced me that I had some unique, almost magical ability to influence the moods of everyone around me. Whenever I was happy, the entire world glowed with joy. And whenever I was sad or angry, everyone around me felt scared to be around me and was injured by my decision to be upset. I can’t tell you how many times I was told that I was hurting my parents by feeling hurt by what they literally said and did to me. They forced me to be constantly bright, pleasant, and appeasing in the face of their abuse, otherwise I was abusing them back. I spent so many years repressing my emotions because I was scared to hurt other people and that they would hate me for causing them pain. It took until college when I met my current boyfriend to learn that I’m not some freaking magical being destroying everyone around me by sighing or furrowing my brows. I remember the feeling when I made the realization, it was so confusing. I’m having to learn what my emotions are and how they feel in my body as an adult after burying them for everyone else’s sake (or so I thought).
It’s so exhausting having my default tone and face be so opposite of how I really feel.
Yeah they told me I can’t sing because it’s loud. Now I am overly nice and it’s costing me 3k a month on uneducated people
I was always told to watch my tone when speaking. I never understood what was meant bc I always felt like I was just talking normal. My husband tells me I talk with an attitude sometimes. Or I sound condescending when I speak but I truly don’t mean to. I feel like I’m talking normal
The title of your post made me shiver. It’s been a long time since I thought about this topic.
Soooo much gaslighting around my tone, and certain words and phrases were banned. For instance, I wasn’t allowed to say “I know.”
Once my stepdad came into the picture, my mom added another layer: I had to call her ma’am and call him sir.
For me, it was speaking without being spoken to, I honestly don’t know how many times i bled from being beaten, I’m not using hyperbole, I’m literally disabled from PTSD, and memory problems, from blacking out too many times from pain, while my brain was still trying to develop, I never even understood what I was doing wrong.
The fun combo is this and being too autistic to be aware of your tone and facial expressions
My abusers always told me to watch my tone when whatever I was saying was so obvious and correct that a blind, deaf-mute, paranoid schizophrenic would be able to tell. It’s the last refuge of someone who demands that every single thing that ever happens in their field of vision has to be precisely the way they want it down to the millimeter. And it fucking sucks.
Very much so. If my nmom didn’t like the tone, implication or my facial expression when speaking, she would just slap me. She slapped me countless times. She would never correct me with mere words. She’d always go hands on. She’s dead and gone now. I’d been nc for over a decade prior to her passing. When half of your four children do not attend your funeral, you fucked up.
Tone of voice, and my reactions. If I tried to defend myself, even if I was in an even tone, she would tell me to drop the attitude. She hated that I was upset when she yelled at me, even mocked me for it.
Tone of voice, facial expressions, body language, and word choices. Absolutely.
Definitely! But, I will admit that my voice can have an edge to it, most likely from years of fighting to exist as who I was. I call it my resting bitch voice. I have a happy and kind public voice, but when I’m tired and comfortable out comes RBV!
People are surprised if I speak in my natural register, because I basically learned to use a high, sing-song “customer service voice” with my parents. My *actual* customer service voice is even higher, and actually gives me vocal fatigue if I don’t watch it.
My mother pulled that shit on me last week, and I’m 42. She’s extremely nosy and also still treats me like I’m 8 years old and can’t do anything for myself, so she believes that everything I do or think is her business. She asked me an invasive question, and I snapped at her, then she huffed and gave me the, “If a friend of yours asked you that, would you respond to them so rudely???” I looked at her and said, “None of my friends would ask me that because they understand the need for privacy and boundaries without having to be told. They’re my friends because they respect that. So I wouldn’t even have to deal with that situation.” She looked at me like I’d just slapped her, and I walked away feeling rather satisfied.
Well now I’m triggered if that’s any indication lol
Some of my earliest memories are of my mother hissing “watch your tone” and calling me a “rotten little kid”.
Now she wonders why I won’t let her near my own kids
Oh my god lol this was a universal narc experience? I was policed even up to last year when I went NC about my tone and facial expressions. As a kid, 99% of my punishments were because of tone and facial expressions and being “disrespectful.”
Always. Any tone I used, no matter how respectfully, was weaponized against me.
” I can tell by your tone you hate me”.
Absolutely, all the time.
In my case part of it is also the fact that I’m autistic, but both my parents demanded I communicate with them in a way that prioritized their comfort. They never tried to explain what was wrong with my tone that – apparently I was smart enough to know and my ignorance was just an excuse to manipulate them. As an adult, I realized that they needed me to perform as pleasant and content so that they didn’t have to do any of the work of raising an actual child.
It sucks, but as an adult I can now sometimes say the harshest words in a way that sounds inoffensive based entirely on tone and expression, so I’ll take that as a win. Or as a sign that I’m still not getting social cues, lol.
Yes and I am not sure if there’s a correlation but I’ve been told I wear a “rest B face.” I feel a lot of emotions. I am an empath. But I don’t show any emotion physically it’s all internally. If I was happy, they’d call me names like “slut” if I was excited they would say “I was horny” and when I didn’t show any expression, they would say something was wrong with me. It was a traumatic childhood.
Yep. ☹️
It’s something that now if someone mentions tone to me as something I’ve “done wrong” (especially in written communication and I’ve just been direct) that the person is likely also a narc.
I don’t like ChatGPT but I’ve used it for sentiment analysis on communications to narcs because you can check tone and other things. Recently my friend of 30+ years started pulling similar things to my nParent. When I called them on it, they told me I must have been “so mad” to “talk to them like that” in asking them (as a mental health professional) to please look at their harmful behavior for both their clients & personal relationships. By running it through sentiment analysis, I was able to stand strong and end the relationship with that friend because it won’t get better. I don’t need to keep relationships with narcissists just because I’ve known them for a long time or am related to them.
My dad- simmer down!!!
Mom till I was 5 – would walk behind me saying “sh, sh, sh” She liked quiet.
Eventually I became very quiet and submissive. Usually only talked if I felt safe or someone talked to me first. This continued when I entered school till about grade 5 when I started forcing myself to speak up. However I continued to struggle throughout school into adulthood.
Yup.
Which is why I let my kids be sassy with me, as long as they weren’t being rude.
I don’t want them having to think through every conversation before talking to me.
Oh my god my Mom and Dad ALWAYS complained about my tone…but no one else ever said anything about it or that I even had one. Just them.
I’m 64 years old. She just said this to me 3 days ago.
Yes and the admonishment to wipe that sour look off my face when I’m literally just existing.
Yep. “You better watch your tone, young lady!”
Usually leaving me wondering what the fuck I did.
If I had a nickel for how many times they said “it’s not what you say it’s how you say it”, then… ah, you know the rest. And all I was doing was trying to speak up for myself.
Yes, and my mom hit us for it as well.
Another incident worth mentioning was how my aunt (mom’s sister) literally left the house because I raised my eyebrow while chugging water. I couldn’t talk so I made a sound which was like a “huh” and raised my eyebrow.
She looked insanely pissed and told me to stop and that it was super disrespectful. I didn’t hear what she said and just did the same thing again. She rushed to her room and started packing her suitcase while I realized what was happening. I cried while trying to stop her but she pushed me away and left the house.
I sat there alone sitting in confusion and guilt. I was 8. I had no idea what could actually be the reason for her storming out like that. It must have solely been my fault. I was scared of being beaten and hated by my family, possibly thrown of the house for what I did.
When my grandma came back home, I told her and we consoled each other as we sobbed. I apologized profusely, but she told me it was not my fault. Turns out none of my family said much. That made it slightly easier. I’m not sure if she picked up the calls our family made, but she came back a month later.
I was relieved and confused. She brought us gifts and pretended like nothing happened. She is the aunt who never shows up for anything unless absolutely necessary. She is almost unreachable. I feel bad for her because she is known to be super erratic. I won’t diagnose her with anything but I know she isn’t really all there anymore.
I know this is a sub for parents but I am close to my aunts. They were like maternal figures to us, plus this just felt fitting for the question.
Yeah, it triggers them. Once you detach from that noise, you can just see them getting crazy for you not reacting their magical thinking
I used to get “don’t talk back.” And then they would get pissed off if I stopped answering them.
Yes and constantly told to “be more tactful” no matter how tactful I was being it felt like
To the point that I now have flattened affect. It’s very, very hard for my friends to read me, let alone other people, so I have to state my emotions.
Like…I went to San Diego a few years back and had to say, “I’m very excited” because people literally thought I didn’t care. (I’m going back this June – still very excited.)
Ah yes. She’d exaggerate how I speak and said I’m doing it on purpose to get on her nerves. Everything was always about her.
Telling me to fix my face or why was I so angry all the time when I was literally just living. Telling me I looked like a bitch or I was giving her attitude. “You think you’re hurting me? You’re only hurting yourself. Here come the waterworks. You always do this. Stop being dramatic.” :/
Yes. And ironically her tone of voice and way of speaking to people is godawful.
She would smirk, chuckle or plain just laugh at me after telling me I looked like a bitch and me trying to defend myself resulted in me crying and feeling hopeless.
Constantly, from how I walked, talked, looked, smiled, all of it had to be to her liking or I was being a “condensing bitch.” My grandma’s favourite was “don’t talk to me like that I AM NOT one of your little friends.”
Yes(among a million other ridiculous parameters), and no matter what tone I was employing, it was always the wrong one.
NM in particular would do this all the time. She claimed it was noise sensitivity but the fact that she would place tremendous emphasis on “explaining things without getting upset” as a way or measuring emotional maturity says a lot.
Yes. My ndad controlled me worse and worse until I got health issues because of it. He controlled EVERY MOVEMENT like I take a breath and he says: “Why did you breathe like that?! Answer me!”
He controlled my voice, what I say, how I say it, when I say it, my smiles, my laugh, my walk, my clothes, my eating, my breathing, my blinking, every movement and every noise to the point where I got severe anxiety.
He would often corner me in the kitchen or somewhere else not letting me get away, staring at me for a long time, watching my every move. I felt like going insane. He commented on EVERY LITTLE MOVEMENT and breath and lack of movement. I would look out of the window and he would closely watch me. If I shifted my eyes a tiny bit to the right because i was looking at something he would say: “Why did you shift your eyes a bit to the right?!” If I blinked: “Why did you blink??”
“Stop making that voice!” when I was a little girl just being happy. I think the real issue was that I was happy. He hated it when I was happy and immediately insulted me or tried to make me cry.
And then: “Whats with the negative mood and sour face?”
When I look out of the window: “What are you looking at? What is so interesting?”
Me: “Nothing.”
Him: “Nothing?! Why would you look out of the window if there is nothing interesting? Answer me!”
Me: “I dont know.”
Him: “That is not an answer!”
Me: *trying to leave because I dont know what to say and I can feel that he will hit me any moment and am scared of his violence.”
Him: “DONT you dare leave! Answer my question! I am talking to you!”
Also:
“Why are you looking at the wall?”
“Why arent you looking at me?”
“Why are you looking at me?”
“Why are you blinking?!”
“Why arent you blinking?!”
Me: *inhales* Him: “Why did you just breathe like that? Answer me!”
Me: *holds my breath* Him: “Why arent you breathing normally?!”
“Why arent you smiling? “
“Dont show me your ugly teeth!”
Me: *clears my throat* Him: “Why did you clear your throat?”
Me: *makes one step closer to the window* Him: ” Why did you try to move away from me?!”
He also always critisized me for walking wrong. It did not matter how I tried to walk it was always wrong.
“Only speak when youre spoken to!”
“Why are you so quiet?!”
When I was standing for a long time and shifted my weight from one leg to the other: “Stop doing that or I will beat you!!”
Me: *moving a finger for a second* Him: “Dont do that!”
Me: * trying my best not to move at all and not to move my face at all but after a long time something in my face twitches* Him: “Why did your eyebrow move like that?!”
“Why are you not moving?!?”
“Stop moving or I will beat you!”
I wanted to scream at him: “LEAVE ME ALONE YOU #%$@#!” but that would have been my death, because he is very violent.
Reminds me of severance. “Your not sorry say it agahin”
One of my parents’ favorite statements.You better watch that tone in your voice. I never used insulting words. It was all in my tone, and to this day, my tone says everything
Yep! Also had a narcissist boss who did the same thing. Any time I would bring up a valid problem at work she would have a problem with my “tone,” even though she admitted none of the words I said were unprofessional. Oh, and it was always used as a deflection so we could then talk about how my tone was the “real” problem. Every time. Ugh.
I have been tone policed since I was old enough to string together an entire sentence. I can’t tell you how many times I got grounded as a kid for having a “rude” tone, or how many times I got subtly elbowed in the ribs, or how many times people would try to “correct” my behavior in public. Mind you, I wasn’t saying anything hurtful. Just observations with a relatively flat affect.
Come to find out in my 30s that I’m AuDHD and my flat affect (which is apparently “rude”) isn’t something I can really change unless I’m masking, which burned me out so bad I’m living in my mom’s basement unable to work. As for the observations, that’s also just how I am. But apparently that’s also still “rude” even when I’m reading the room correctly and not saying anything inappropriate.
I was either mumbling or being a “banshee” then if I didn’t talk at all I was dumb or disrespectful.
yes exactly
My mom says she was abused as a child and when she was married to my dad before they got divorced and she’d say that I(a man) was being just like her abusers whenever I was “yelling,” or more accurately just speaking more loudly. Mind you, she was saying this when I was like 12. Not what you want to hear from your mother ever, but especially at that age.
Yep though mostly i had to stay silent when ndad was home. This really affected me in relationships with others, of course. I was trained to never talk. Meanwhile ndad would go on screaming rages.
i’m autistic, so i tend to have a flat tone, but i got screamed at SO many times, i ended up developing a SUPER high-pitched tone with talking to people, which makes people mock my “polite” tone and that makes me VERY fucking sad.
it’s so unfair.
If my mom in particular could even tell that I was angry, I would get in more trouble.
Not throwing a tantrum, not yelling, not saying disrespectful things, not slamming doors or stamping my feet. Just her seeing that I was angry would make her even more angry with me, as if my anger was something wrong I’d done to her.
With my dad, I had to grin and eat his nonsense when he was raging, otherwise I was “taking a tone.”
So yeah, I learned a stupid amount of dissociation and control over my voice, face expressions, and body language.
I dont know, but my mom is in her mid 80s. Sounds like its more of an older generation thing, that are old fashioned, but i hate when she does it, she does it when i swear mostly. SHE swears too tho lol, its not like i swear like a bloody sailor, but when something particularly burns by butt, then i throw an F bomb, and she’l say ‘ Dont Swear’. My oma who is a classic case of a narcissist does the same thing, and says ‘ Dont swear’, if i swear infront of her, shes 101. Im pretty sure she says that ‘ tone of voice’ thing before on occasion, tells me to lower my voice, its too loud, but then again i have adhd. I guess i talk alittle’ loud’ but she makes it sound like i wake the dead. I get overexcited cuz of my adhd, but its embarrassing when she has said that to me, it makes me feel like im a baby or something🤔 im a 39 yr old🙁. No one else says i talk to ‘ ‘too loud’ and says to lower my voice. I hate some people. She doesn’t do this to anyone else either, its just always me.
Yes. Not allowed to use a whining voice even when expressing something very uncomfortable 😣
Tone of voice and the look on my face!! Constant sources of problems.
Tone of my voice, facial expressions, and whatever she (grandmother adopted/raised me) thought I was thinking 🤔
Yes i do. I find myself overly sensitive to tones now too, so i’m doing some work to dial that back 😭
yep, was constantly policed by them saying “attitude!” and i wasn’t allowed to say “what?” when called or asked something, i also was told “no speaking unless spoken to” around groups of adults
Mine still do this and I’m in my mid 30’s and live in a different state. If we ever have any type of mild disagreement they immediately start shouting and ranting to the point where I can’t even get a word in for close to a minute. I always hang up when that happens. They will text back and say I don’t show them enough respect. Respect is a two way street. I will say, this generally happens if they feel like they’re doing, or did me a favor of some type. It triggers something in their brains to start treating you terribly. If they can’t have control of your emotions, they don’t want to be part of your life at all.
And school your face! The irony is how they taught us how to grey rock, all by themselves.
Yes, the constant I don’t like your tone! Ever since I could probably speak or how manipulative I was as a five year old to y’know, now. Too loud, too quiet, too snobby that’s the best one I hear all the time, you’re a snob!!! Now I hear, you sound so bitter, I wonder why? I rarely spoke as a child or teen, to this day talking too much hurts my voice. Even when grey rocking I will still get the whole; you’re a snobby spoiled bitch! Sure, why not, I’ve come to enjoy being called that cause I know it’s the opposite and just projection. It’s just control, that’s all it is.
Watch your tone with me, I’m not one of your little friends, this is my house, you own nothing here, why can’t you speak up, you act so much happier when you leave the house, etc… now as an adult she couldn’t fathom why I was holding so hard to keep my freedom and independence when I was becoming paralyzed. She recognized that I’d rather pass away in my apartment in peace than hear her bs. Now she is losing her hearing and saws I either speak too low, too harsh because she isn’t one of my inmates, or too loud. Just can’t win.
Yes, that and”attitude”
Tone, no
My mother was obsessed with enunciation. Whenever she was losing an argument, she would try to change the subject and force you to recite words until you were miserable. So petty and pathetic.
Oh yes, my mom did this to me constantly. I had to use a tone that was very, very submissive. It made me a target for bullies and toxic people. I cannot believe how cruel my family was to me. And I was still expected to love them and care for them. Absolute total bullsh*t!
As a child?!
Boy oh boy. I had it controlled as a 42-year old senior academic 😂
All the time, I went to NC she went crazy.
I thought she liked me not speaking lmao
I was a talkative young child and when I got I guess too talky I’d get a “little tap on the mouth”. (direct quote form my dad) So basically a smack when I was to shut up. I was also forbidden to talk during meals. So spoiler alert … I grew up to have crippling fear of talking in any social situation or sharing anything personal with anyone. Thanks dad!
Absolutely! My parents did this to me. And the funny thing is is my mom continued to try to do it to me well into my forties. Which is why I don’t talk to her anymore. She would say the most disrespectful, rude hurtful things and then if I told her they were disrespectful, rude and hurtful she would tell me to wash the tone of my voice and to be respectful of her LMAO
I was supposed to be “ladylike” and not raise my voice, never give “back talk” and I was also told many times to stop mumbling. I was one of those quiet kids who tried to disappear into the woodwork and hated having the attention be on me.
You know, whenever someone makes me repeat myself more than once I get frustrated. No, frustrated is the wrong word. I get really upset. I will actually shut down and just give up on trying to get the person i understand me. I never really knew why this was and always attributed it to tism uniqueness, but then i read this post. Boooooy a whole lot of memories came flooding back of being made to repeat myself over and over because i was “too quiet” or “mumbled” or “wrong tone try again” to the point that i would give up even if it was something i legitimately needed. I don’t honestly know how i never put 2 + 2 together before now. So thanks and you are definitely not alone!
I am very likely autistic (looking to get officially diagnosed) and I was often told to stop giving attitude and to watch my tone while I was just speaking normally. To this day I have no idea what constitutes as attitude to either parents
Not tone of voice, but facial expression. If I looked happy for no reason and she was unhappy, I was smirking. If I was unhappy, I was ‘sulking’. I was often told to ‘wipe that look off my face’ when I was small. Like, I don’t have a look, it’s just my face. By the age of 8 my face was typically always in a neutral expression. Even now, at 38, I feel like I have to consciously force myself to exaggerate my facial expressions for them to show up. I have so many photos where I thought I was grinning widely, only to look at them and see the faintest smile.
Yeah, and I kinda just stopped talking. Which made it difficult to make friends or ask for things I want.
100%. Any shift in my tone during an argument made her mad. The problem is, she was the one who was using that same tone in the first place. I learned it from her, and I’d parrot her.