We’re at the do or do not point when it comes to kids. I’ve heard life can be lonely for a single guy the wrong side of 40. What are the pros to your decision?
Edit: Some people have the wrong impression that I want kids to avoid loneliness. I don’t. I was simply expressing I’ve heard one of the drawbacks of being childfree when you’re older is loneliness. I wanted insight into that that’s all.
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So your motivation for creating life, raising them with love and all your resources, in this time, would be for you to feel less lonely?
I’ve never felt particularly lonely, I’m not single though. My wife and I can plan time off or vacations much more easily. And we’re able to save a good portion of our monthly income.
No kids, not getting laid on the regular (like that other guy mentioned) I’ve got 2 cats that welcome me when I get home, and keep me sane. I’m gonna say it’s pretty average.
M69, retired, widowed, never had kids. Don’t miss ’em.
Nobody to knock on my door looking for a place to stay, nobody to call me up for a loan.
Nobody to blame when nobody visits me in the nursing home someday.
I once saw some statistic that said that the majority of men never reproduce, so we’re not alone. Far from it.
No children but a family, great nephews, friends and cool colleagues.
What were we talking about again?
I’m 33 and have been single my entire life. You don’t have to wait to be 40 to be lonely 🙂
I’d rather have free time or alone time whenever I want it but occasionally feel lonely than to never have free time or alone time
I’m nearly 40 and it rules. My fiancé and I have heaps of hobbies, aren’t stressed or tired and have the spare money to treat our nieces and nephews both at regular holidays and occasional weekends out.
Not lonely at all. I thought life would be different, and I would have kids by now, but it’s not a bad thing. Just a different path.
I’m lonely all the time but that’s because of the divorce, the no kids thing doesn’t phase me on way or another.
For me personally having kids would be a huge risk, one that I’m not sure would pay off. And if it doesn’t, it’s not me that suffers the most, it’s that kid who didn’t ask to be born, and who didn’t exist until I decided. I wouldn’t wanna be that selfish
Not very. I have friends etc. Also I like my alone time and have no trouble entertaining myself on my own.
I would hope if you want kids it’s more than just to avoid being lonely. That seems a poor choice.
It wasnt a decision, and its fuckin lonely bro.
I am a 41 year old cool uncle to 7 sibling kids.
Being able to return those fuckers when ive spoiled them enough is a godsend.
Being around family takes away lonelyness and i dont see a reason to have a kid on my own to be less lonely is a good reason to have a kid.
It sounds dumb to me, like trying to have a child to save a relationship.
My life is not lonely at all, I love being alone and getting that social interactions when it’s needed.
Having kids is not the endgame on my life.
I got re-married, which came with a stepdaughter, and my wife had my son, all in my 40’s. I was happy before. I had a sweet apartment downtown; I was making a lot of money, and I could do whatever (and whomever) I wanted whenever I wanted. However, I was unfulfilled. The love a man has for his family unlocks a part of you that you simply cannot access otherwise. I’ve lived both ways, and as much as I hate to play this card, people who’ve never had kids don’t understand both sides as well as they think they do. Downvote me for that if you must. Would I take a weekend back at the old place, binging Netflix and eating takeout? Fuck yes. But would I switch back to that life? Fuck no. Theres a reason science, religion, and the entire history of the world (until about five minutes ago) agrees that we were meant to have partners and children.
I’m not quite 40 (38), but I don’t have kids and I’m not lonely. I have a wife and a roommate so the house is never empty.
I have two kids and growing up I never wanted children but when they acomplish something, win an award or just do something great that maybe you didn’t expect I can feel my eyes fill with tears because it just makes me so proud and happy.
I don’t think anything else has ever given me that feeling and although it can be difficult being a parent I wouldn’t want it any other way.
42, I have a kid and I still feel lonely most of the time.
I love him, of course, and he loves me, but parenthood isn’t a partnership. You can’t (or at least, you really shouldn’t) rely on your kids for emotional validation and support. That’s your job, not theirs.
I’m alone but I’m not lonely, I love my friends but I enjoy my own company and don’t feel any need to create a life to change that 🤷♂️
Kids at any age, but particularly later in life, should be a 100% enthusiastic mutual decision. Anything less will end in resentment, most likely. If course there are exceptions, some accidents do happen, and they don’t end in disaster, but mostly, you really need to be on board with the idea. And whilst I doubt future fear of loneliness is a main reason of yours to have kids, it’s a terrible reason.
Im closing in on 33 now, and i think this depends on who you are, and is impossible to answer as a general "its lonely or not lonely". From my personal stance, its not lonely at all, but im also a person who doesn’t get lonely (with the exception or maybe once a year, but for personal reasons i wont go into that). I genuinely enjoy being alone more than i do when im in company with others, and often feel more alone in others company. Its also to me a very freeing feeling to not have anything tying me down. I have also never wanted kids, so there is that.
If i could give one advice based on my experience with having parents. Please make sure you want kids before you consider having them, dont just have kids because ur supposed to.
Pushing 40, I desperately lonely but still know, with every fiber of my being, that I adamantly don’t want kids. I regret many, many things in life, I’ve lived miserably and I’ll almost certainly die worse, but the one thing I have is that I could have made everything so much worse is having kids. Choosing not to have a partner is something I’m starting to regret (although I still think it’s the right decision, I’m bummed life has turned out in such a way that feels necessary) but I have never wavered on no kids.
(To be clear, I don’t mean anyone having kids is a mistake, I’m saying I should never have kids. Very personal feelings for many reasons.)
I have a partner, I have friends, I have a cat who is an arsehole. I am quite happy.
Currently I’d say my life is 7/10 lonely. All of my friends have someone. I didn’t choose to not have children, I’ve never had a relationship that got to the points where children were a possibility and I have always been careful with birth control or protection.
Single for years, work from home, live alone, have a dog, never feel lonely. Im not very social but very happy. I get my social fix on morning walks and at the gym, and game with friends on weekend evenings
Incredibly lonely. 45 and never getting married and having a kid is the biggest regret of my life. My sibling moving overseas and not being able to easily see my nieces anymore isn’t helping matters either.
My parents have passed and life kind of feels decidedly pointless sometimes without family around.
Pff… I rather have 1€ than 1 kid
I had a child when I was 50. there’s always time.
I’m 54 and don’t have kids. It’s terrible being able to do my own thing all the time. I’ve travelled to over 120 countries and just wish I never could because I had kids instead.
On a serious note, there’s a massive difference between being alone and being lonely, and I don’t ever feel lonely. Besides that, I don’t think it’s a very good idea to have kids purely because you’re lonely, you should have kids because you want to.
I’m sure it’s amazing bringing another life into the world and being responsible for their wellbeing, and then watching them grow up. I didn’t specifically decide to not have kids, in fact I was married for a while when I was much younger and we lost 2 children to miscarriages. Not having had children, I have been able to do so many things I would never have been able to, and I don’t think it’s an argument between right or wrong, it’s just a personal choice. There are pros and cons to both sides, but is a very personal decision.
I’m over 40 without kids and happy with my decision. Having kids to keep you company is kind of crazy
Pros and Cons.
To be clear, I’m 41 with 2 kids. I originally thought I never wanted them. I still think, my financial life would be better obviously without, but overall, they do bring an immense amount of joy.
It’s hard because without actually having any, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Pretty lonely if you’re prone to being an introvert and thinking too much. But then again there are periods where I have a very active social life and things to work towards. It’s not lonely then. Just have something other than you to work/live for.
This is very much a "grass is always greener" situation.
When I was single I desperately wanted marriage and kids.
Now I have a happy marriage and two kids. I am definitely happier and more content, but honestly so much of my daily life is stressful and frustrating that I do sometimes fantasise about going off, travelling around the other side of the world and being free to do what I want to do.
However I know that the feeling of freedom would only last so long and then I’ll be wanting to be back with family and children again.
I think it’s great when childless people and couples get involved in helping out with their friends and relatives kids, with local youth organisations like scouts etc.
It’s such a shame this scenario is so often tainted by fears there is a tiny chance this may be perceived as weird or something, when the vast majority of the time it’s wholesome and innocent. Sadly the miniscule percentage of weirdos or sexual abusers ruins it for the other 99% or more well intentioned.
You can be lonely over 50 too 🙂
If you only want kids because you don’t want to be lonely, get a dog.
I’d rather be lonely with money, peace and quiet, free time, and autonomy than have a kid running my schedule and screaming all the time.
I have a German shepherd. 10/10 good dude and about the only living creature that keeps away the lonely feeling. I don’t mind being single, though. All my other needs are met, and I have incredibly awesome and smart nieces and nephews i can focus on and love very much.
Some say lonely, some say peaceful, some say meaningless, some say freedom
Life is what you make it
Not lonely in the slightest. Society does a good job scaring people into thinking that being alone in life is a failure or sad, but in reality, it’s been the biggest blessing for me.
I don’t want kids, but I think there cool. That’s why I have nieces and nephews. I can spend time with them and return to sender when needed.
As for relationships, I’m not necessarily looking for one, but if I come across someone who is compatible I would give it a shot. I’ve witnessed too many failed marriages due to people thinking they need to do that in life and it reality they end up miserable.
Yeah, I consider myself a lone wolf. I occasionally get hated on for it, but what’s ironic is that those who tend to say something negative are the same ones who are misable in their current life with their partner, kids, etc. it’s as if they’re envious and shaming me for a path of life that I ended up enjoying.
I’m good.
You realise most kids leave home at some point? Sometimes they even move to another country. Having kids doesn’t stop loneliness. It can make it worse sometimes, going from a noisy house full of kids to just you and your partner can be a big jump.
Even worse if you raised them alone, did a good job, so they all got decent careers and moved away. Happened to a friend of mine. All her children have left home and she is alone with her dog. She told me the empty house and silence is bittersweet.
Kids – call your parents!
Not lonely at all. Loneliness is a choice.
Living the life I want (I’ve never wanted children).
Not lonely at all and I’m kinda happy that my crazy family genes end with me.
Loneliness doesn’t necessarily come from being "alone", and there are many alone people who don’t suffer loneliness.
There are also many lonely people who aren’t alone.
So it doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with having people around. It’s the quality of those people, and how secure you are with yourself.
The loneliest I can remember being was the last couple of months living together with my future ex at the time, and maybe the best I’ve ever felt about myself was driving away from that situation and not looking back. Instantly felt more connected to the world around me.
The second loneliest I can remember being was periods of time in my childhood being neglected by my family. There was a lot of company but it was lonely company.
I suspect there are many lonely things involved with having kids.
It’s just me and my wife with our cat and we are pretty content with that forever.
Personally it sucks. I was a step-dad for 14 years before her mom cheated. So having a family and the next day having nothing was hard. I’m too old for another shot. So yeah it’s lonely. My therapist had me make up a mantra so I need a beer doesn’t pop in my head constantly.
I’m always on time.
My draws are always clean.
And there ain’t no crazy bitches yelling at me.
36 – no kids. Be solo since 30. I personally love it. The only “drawback” is that a second income in the house would be awesome but that’s a very shallow reason to be with someone haha
Get pets, they make a world of difference.
50 with no kids. I knew as a teenager I didn’t want children. Always made it clear from early on in relationships when the time was right for those discussions. The three women chose to end the relationship and I was ok with that because the dynamic needs to be fair for both. Met my ex-wife at 34. She thought she was on the same page as me but she wasn’t and it ultimately led to our divorce. I am lonely but have never once regretted not having kids. I feel strongly that it is better than if I had chosen to appease a woman and have children. I think I would have regretted that decision and I would never want to have resentment towards a child. That wouldn’t be fair to them. All in all, I think not having a partner is more cause for loneliness than not having children. My nephew is as close as I’ll get and I love that dude. He’s the beneficiary for everything I have and when that time comes, he’ll be taken care of.
38, I never feel lonely, work, travel, train in the gym, cook my meals, living my best life.
My wife and I choose not to have kids. I can’t really say what it would have been like. Our only experience with kids has been when we visit with friends or family that have them. Personally I saw and still see more negatives than positives when it comes to having kids, but maybe that will change as we age. Either way, life certainly isn’t lonely. Freedom is a wonderful companion.
It’s lonely in a lot of ways. Humans are made to have children. My wife and I tried to have kids but it never worked out unfortunately. We’ve moved on but it sucks.
I’m 75. Chose to have no kids and enjoying life. Not lonely at all
I kind of have it both ways because of 50/50 custody. And while I absolutely value my kid free time, I think being able to pass on my legacy is really the most important thing to me
Not lonely at all
Life is grand! I thrive on my independence and have a core set of friends and activities that keep me super busy and never feel lonely. So If you’re thriving now, you’ll probably be the same in your 40’s. But if you’re lonely in your 30’s, you’ll probably be lonely in your 40’s (with or without kids)
I also retired in early 40’s so I have even more time, but I’m never lonely or bored. Also, I haven’t seen many of these posts here, but I know a number of people who have regretted having kids – you generally can’t say this unless you’re close to people, but some people are very miserable.
At 42 and having watched my nieces grow and graduate. It is some what of a regret, not starting a family. So, is life.
Is this a question for single guys, or for guys without kids? You are aware that you’re allowed to have a partner and/or get married even if you don’t want children, right?
Some of the pros to child-free life, from my perspective:
Of course, for some people, this all pales in comparison to the satisfaction and fulfillment of parenthood. That’s great! People who want and enjoy parenthood are the ones who should be having kids. It’s simply not the case, though, that the choice is between reproduction and loneliness.
You should have children if you 100% want them more than anything else in the world and you know that you will be 100% miserable if you don’t have them.
I had a vasectomy when I was 30, no kids. One of the best decisions of my life, wish I would have had it sooner. Some people know they don’t ever want to be parents, I’m one of those people. It’s not a path for everyone but it was the right path for me because I knew 100% that I never wanted to be a father. How’s my life? Great. I’m super lucky to have good health and good friends and a good job and I enjoy my peace and quiet. I am on course to early-retire where I will read, ride my bike, and do a little bit of traveling, which is basically a schedule of "doing more of what I love to do, and already do on my weekends." 10/10 (for me and my life)
If you can afford it, have children. It will give you purpose.
I’m 39. I spend a lot of time with my nieces and nephews and I have friends with kids. I value my privacy and alone time enough to not have kids. I am far less stressed out than anyone I know with kids. I get to see them as much as I want and get to go home to my wife and cats at the end of the day. Best of both worlds.
Pros: not dealing with all the stress, obligations, and expenses related to a child
Cons: none of the benefits of having a child, like someone to share life with, teach, nurture, and watch develop and grow. Or someone to potentially aid you in your elderly years (but that’s no guarantee).
I knew by my early 20s I neither wanted children nor marriage. I stopped wasting my time dating over a decade ago (though I’m open to a relationship if I find a good woman). I’ve had relationships, I’ve dated, but in the end none of it was worth the hassle or expense.
I now value my peace and solitude above all else. It’s lonely at times and when bad times come I’m on my own, but I see that as a net benefit considering all the stress, negativity, and expenses that come with relationships.
I have a wife that shares my views on the climate (the reason we don’t have kids) and we have great friends and a dog. So not lonely in the slightest.
I don’t think you’re lonely until you’re 70 and your mates are dying. Those years are saved by grandchildren.
I’m 36. I’ve lived by myself for two years.
I simultaneously don’t want to be bothered and I’m also lonely.
But if I’m being 100% honest, I’m choosing to be lonely.
Before meeting my now ex-wife I wasn’t lonely at all. I was 32 and happy being single and I felt if I met someone that’s great, if I don’t that’s cool too. 12 and a half years later I had two kids however, sitting next to a lawyer in family court, I never felt so alone and defeated in my life.
I turn 40 in a couple months. My husband and I have been talking about kids more often of late.
I’m ambivalent about having kids (adopting almost certainly). I have some grasp on the amount of time/effort/money that we’d need to invest into kids; I’d rather just spend that time/money doing other things.
However – i love kids, love playing with them, being around them, etc. however, my favorite part is when I hand the kid back to their parent!
My friends have kids. I do not envy them.
I was engaged to be married at 33. I had an absolute shit job and when I’d come home at night my girlfriend would want me to sit and watch law and order and shop for furniture. She always hated out apartment. We broke our lease 3 times that year and moved losing our deposit every time. My weekends were going to the mall to watch her try on outfits and we remodeled our apartments constantly. Re Painting and changing furniture and just never being happy with what we had. Pissing off the land lords over and over again.
I’m gay and 44. Kids are too expensive and I have SERIOUS mental health issues. A personality disorder, to be exact. It runs in families and it’s very damaging to be raised by someone with a personality disorder. Believe me, I know. So it’s never going to happen for me. I wouldn’t put that on my kids like my mother did me.
I’ll be honest here, I wish I did have a couple daughters and the type of lifestyle that could afford and emotionally support them. It’s sad, but that’s the way the cookie crumbles.
Things don’t work out the way we want them to and that’s normal for most people on this planet. If you want it bad, make changes and make it happen. You could still lose out and not get what you want. It probably won’t be what you expect, but that’s life, too.
I’ll be honest. I am lonely. I wish I had a larger family. It’s just my husband and I.
35M. I have a 6 year old son but no longer a partner. It can be lonely at times when I’m not with my son nowadays. Most friends from my 20s are no longer actively in touch.
i’m 47 and have been purposely single for over a decade. i’m very content with my life, i have no desire for partner or children
Well having kids is one thing and your relationship with them is another.
I am single no kids and do not feel lonely according to my definition of ‘lonely’
I have an older sister with three kids, she has had a falling out with all three of them and rarely sees them,
It’s not lonely because of no kids — I’m perpetually single, which is its own thing.
HOWEVER I have a massively autistic little brother who will always need me to look after him. He lives with parents right now, but once they’re gone, he will most likely need to live with me wherever I am (going to be difficult to convince him to leave our hometown, but it’ll need to happen for work eventually).
So I don’t have kids, probably won’t ever have kids at this point (I’m 42), but I will always have a dependent, and I’ll always have someone to talk to, even though the conversations I have with him are pretty limited in their subject and scope (he’s not exactly a fan of abstraction or feelings).
I’d be really interested to see the answer to this question for those much later in their years. Say 60s or 70s and see if they’ve changed their mind from their answer when they were younger in their 30-40s
As a 44 year old man that never wanted kids but had one this is my experience. I love my son and am so glad he came into my life. My divorce was mostly due to me not being able to handle it and being forced into the situation. Even with that, I wish I would have done it sooner. It shouldn’t be a question of loneliness though. If you want children ABSOLUTELY do it. If you think you might want children ABSOLUTELY do it. If you don’t want children then don’t. I wanted to be a career guy with no responsibility and I’m sure I woulda loved that life as well but in hindsight I’m glad I have my son. Parenting is tough, exhausting, expensive, and even being that I never wanted kids I’m still happy I had one and would NOT change that for all the money in the world.
Eventually you’re just locked in with your memories waiting around to die. Otherwise fine.
Lonely af, have to dig deep every day. Occasionally I feel just fine though.
Very.
Friends have less to no time for whatsoever. If they have time, their children are basically the only topic that is talked about and the event ends at 1900 because little Timmy is bored/tired/???.
I’m single and child free. Life is great and what you make of it.
Don’t have kids bc you’re lonely. That’s an awful reason….
Hell of a way to phrase a question.
I am married, luckily, happily married. Not lonely and I would not have kids for the sake of loneliness. We live good lives and have family relatively nearby that we try to stay close. So far, no loneliness, between friends, family, work, hobbies, etc.
The pros of not having any? Dude, you never have to grow up completely. Free to do as you please. Spur of the moment decisions can be made and carried out. You have money to do the things you want to do. You get the TV. You can buy all the big boy toys that you want. Eat what you want. Walk around the house butt ass naked. I wouldn’t trade the no kids’ lives for anything.
Not at all. No kids and I love my wife and my life
Just my 2 cents, I’m 31m. Work in healthcare…
Based on asking at least a thousand married people, single people, divorced people, patients and staff from all walks of life. "Would you have kids again if you could go back and have a do-over"…?
The vast majority answered "NO", emphasising lack of ability to live their own life/dreams with their partner, increasing financial stress, and the kids growing up and leaving anyway so they ended up "alone" in the end still… Many said not to because "better to regret not having kids, than regret having them"… "Don’t get married, let alone have kids. I love my kids, but 100% wouldn’t do it again. I lost a huge amount of time in my life, sacrificed to raise kids. You stop living, and give your life up for your kids".
And remember, if you have children, they could be in the minority to be crippled with a rare unless, or intellectual disability (extremely costly in time, money AND emotional input). Ive seen this countless times working in healthcare, the parents are SO burnt-out. It’s my only fear, to have the biggest burden you can be cursed with.
This shocked me. Overall, I think the societal pressures of watching your friends and get married + have kids etc puts lots of pressure for you to "tick that box".
So, even after several nice relationships (and several clusterf**k ones) I’ve decided not to marry, let alone have any kids. Honestly, animals make me happier than most humans, and the free time/no stress of being single. Remember, you can be alone but not lonely… There are many people out there that are unhappy or alone, despite being IN relationships AND with kids.
Also remember that ENDS once you get married, let alone have children. (women use it as a tool to keep you interested, get you hitched, and get pregnant. Then watch it never happen again. It’s a power/control thing, at best they use it as a reward "do the chores, maaaaybe get a BJ if you’re licky). Then they cheat and say you’re not faithful or providing 🙄. Even notice once you’re in a relationship that other women are more interested and try to get with you?
Plus as a man, the system is very much set up against us… Women take a minimum of 50% from you even if you are not married and if they can prove partnership .Divorce rates are exceedingly increasing each year, with women initiating >75% in hetero relationships, and higher divorce rates in lesbian couples… This shows that guys aren’t the issue 😆…
I think you should stay single and live your own life if you like or live a nice life with a partner you enjoy spending time with… No need to settle down, let alone have kids if you’re not ready or you just plain-old don’t want to.
Supporting just yourself allows you to have minimal expenses. Reach financial freedom early retire to part-time or casual by late 30s early 40s and then go and live your life… We’re not meant to be working in the rat race on the hamster wheel until we retire in our mid-60s to enjoy maybe the last 10 years of good health we have before we die 💀.
Financial-wise, check out FIRE communities, setup domestic/international high growth indexed shares in super at >10-15% return/yr, don’t sacrifice anymore to super/retirement than your employers minimum, invest aggressively into real-estate and pull equity regularly, and put the rest of your pay into indexed share funds (ETFs etc) outside super. You could probably retire in 10-20yrs if done right. I’m halfway there…
You have to live while you’re young. Take your gap years. Take your multiple holidays per year. Do what you can while you still have good health.
Why would not having kids make life lonely?
34, married, no kids.
I have 3 pets and a solid friend group. We play video games, work on cars, go to the river with the boat, meet up and get lunch whenever…
Like… Seriously. Sometimes I have bad days and I think to myself "you know what would make this bad day even worse… A screaming child, holy shit am I glad that’s not happening"
Some of my friends have kids and I get to be the crazy uncle that shows up in the muscle car that hands them 100 bucks.
At the end of the day, I have not once regretted the vasectomy I got at 23. I would not have made it to where I am today if I had a kid along the way.
It’s quite amazing tbh