I’m in my mid-30s, yet I’ve always had the strong desire to rest from my early 20s. The ideal image of a Sunday afternoon in my mind is sitting on a deck chair in the sun and reading a book. The reality is I have 2 kids and it takes hard work to move things forward, whether that’s doing up the new house, or building up towards a move, and there’s always stuff that needs to be done. So I’d liked to hear from those further down the road, is my 30s and 40s about being super productive? Am I lazy for craving rest? Is there a point/age where one can settle down and rest more in life, like once the kids are older or the house is sorted? Or am I just getting this wrong and should I be finding ways to get things done and still get a couple of hours with a book in the sun on the weekend (even though I have 2 demanding young kids)?
My context is that we are behind in life, only just getting ready to buy a place and paying off debts. So the idea of resting seems far away, but at the same time, I’m completely burned out. Right now, life is full throttle from beginning of the day all the way until 10pm until I go to sleep.
I’m curious though, where the line is between laziness and rest? I don’t observe many adults chilling, the ones I see are usually fixing something, sorting something and seem really in control of their life. The image I have of a strong father figure is one who doesn’t let his guard down and always on the job.
Keen to get everyone’s thoughts, I’m also really interested in those of you in their 40s, 50s and onwards, do things slow down? Should I remain laser focused in my 30s?
Comments
Please do not delete your post after receiving your answer. Consider leaving it up for posterity so that other Redditors can benefit from the wisdom in this thread.
Once your thread has run its course, instead of deleting it, you can simply type "!lock" (without the quotes) as a comment anywhere in your thread to have our Automod lock the thread. That way you won’t be bothered by anymore replies on it, but people can still read it.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
The way my life has gone, I’ll only be resting when I’m 6 feet deep in the ground. Work ’till I die club.
I think the majority of people like to keep busy. Whether that be working, going out, doing work around the house etc. I’m part of the majority that likes to sit around and just enjoy my own company. My house is clean and my errands are taken care of. I don’t have the desire to always start a new project. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to just chill out. It’s not considered lazy unless you’re behind on things that NEED to be done.
I feel that it depends on your culture upbringing and your socioeconomic status. I grew up in Central America on a well off family. Not millionaires, but definitely very comfortable. Sundays were for resting. In fact, the whole weekend was for doing absolutely nothing. We would spend at the beach most of the time. My parents could afford house services, so someone else would pick up the mess on Monday.
Now in New England. The cultural tradition here still feels very puritan. You have to always be busy or have a project. People look down on you for just sitting around and being lazy. Furthermore, house services are reserved for the top 10%.
Hey man
Sounds like you could use a break – do you have paid time off you could utilize? Also, do you tend to overanalyze/overthink? If so, that’s probably tiring you out more than you realize. One can only be in survival mode for so long (real or imagined) before they begin to breakdown and, eventually, burnout.
As far as when you get to rest, that’s entirely up to you. Once your financially settled and out of "hustle mode", will you be able to relax and focus on the present? If you prioritized rest – whatever that means to you – right now, what would that look like? Could you not carve out Sunday mornings to do absolutely nothing? What bad would come of it?
Reading on the porch in the sun is nice. 10/10 recommend. I unfortunately still do hustle too much, but try to make time for that as often as is realistic.
I don’t have kids of my own, so take what I type with as big a grain of salt as you’d like.
But I believe that rest is essential, regardless of your age. Don’t leave your wife holding the bag when it comes to childcare and housework, but assuming the two of you are communicating well and in sync on what needs to happen and when, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t make rest a regular part of your life. The benefits, both physically and mentally, are immense.
I’m only 32 but feel as though I’ve lived longer.
Consider reviewing the metric you hold yourself to for measuring success.
I pursue happiness and sometimes what that looks like changes. I also weight that with "But I could die tomorrow" and act accordingly.
There will always be stuff to get done…. The list doesn’t diminish as you get older. The house is done and then you move or bits need doing again etc.
Carve the time out now for relaxation and doing what you want, easier said than done sometimes though!
Personally it’s gotten easier as the kids have gotten a bit older (they’re currently 8 and 11).. but the list of house stuff to do is still there !
Not in your age target, but here goes.
1) Stop looking outward to see what others are doing, eg other adults being busy all the time and being behind in life.
2) Theres undertones on resting being counter to being productive. I would question how resting on a Sunday stops or slows progress from purchasing a home. We all need rest.
3) Prioritization is important, if you have 48 hours during the weekend you can find 2 hours to read and still be productive and take care of your kids (assuming you aren’t a single parent). Are you able to just pick up and do what ever you please? No. I think you have the obligations in life where you need to plan.
I think a lot of guys when they’re young have a desire to ‘prove themselves’ and throwing themselves at something, becoming obsessed feels like the ‘correct’ thing to do, but if you make the analogy to strength sports, you’ll know this is a recipe for disaster. Rest is an integral part of growth and I think that analogy holds even in the case of non strength activities. Willpower is largely built the same way as strength and that is definitely a finite resource (in fact its fueled directly by glucose). Willpower is obviously responsible for things like planning, reasoning, exercising conscious judgement.
What are you even talking about there’s all kinds of different people in the world, who doesn’t like sitting in a chair in the sun? Some people don’t do fuck all. Some people move mountains.
Sometimes things gatta get done. Sometimes you don’t feel good unless you get things done. Its just a continuous loop of being lazy, then doing stuff, until you die.
You gotta take time to smell the roses, otherwise you’ll burn out, or worse.
Signed,
Been there, done that, regret it every day.
> I’m completely burned out. Right now, life is full throttle from beginning of the day all the way until 10pm until I go to sleep.
You have young children. This is normal. Frankly, this is how you’re supposed to feel if you’re parenting correctly. It will eventually get better. For right now enjoy these years with the kids.
> only just getting ready to buy a place
Once you buy a home you will be even busier. Homes are a lot of work. People don’t fix stuff around the house because it’s fun. They do it because that shit has to be fixed. But it’s worth it.
> Is there a point/age where one can settle down and rest more in life,
Of course. When you have less on your to do list. When your kids are older and your house is in good order, you’re set. This is also a reason why so many old people move into townhomes. They want to relax, not do yard work and fix stuff.
I think I know exactly what you’re talking about, and my advice would be: give it up. The world just does not ever stop spinning and you either keep up or things fall apart. I wish it were otherwise, but it’s just not.
I didn’t have kids until I was 30. Wife and I didn’t become debt free until I was 36 (we married at 22). I didn’t start getting promoted in my career until I was 38. Your timeline is your timeline. Don’t let others dictate how you do life man.
In addition to the above, I take rest days a lot. There are some weekend days where I’ll tell the wife and kids “today is a rest a day”. That means the minimum chores are getting done, we sit around the house and read or watch some TV (mostly sports for me but sometimes it’s a kids movie) and we most likely end up ordering food from somewhere. It’s ok to have these days. It’s ok to be lazy every now and then. This American mentality of “always got to hustle” is bull shit and a brainwash from big corporations. I don’t need to spend all my money, all the time. Sometimes an adventure is just going on a long walk to a park and letting the kids run crazy then a long walk back home. It is what you make of it.
Do your life how you want to dude. Let others hate and judge, don’t let it affect you.
You are in a time of life when there are a lot of expectations and responsibilities. Do what you can. Relax some expectations where it will do the least harm. If being perceived as lazy means you get an afternoon to decompress sometimes, maybe that’s not such a bad thing…
I have all eternity to rest. I look forward to that someday. But today is for living.
Sounds like your life is just out of balance
Resting is how we should be living. We are the top of the food chain and we are more productive than ever. The only reason we continue on this path is greed.
There’s a story, I don’t know if it’s true, of Protestant missionaries going to an island where they proceeded to teach the islanders how to be more efficient in their farming practices. Some time passes and the missionaries come back and see that the islanders now stop work by noon and enjoy their days doing art and leisure. The missionaries were confused by this and attempted to get the islanders to continue working all day, which in turn confused the islanders. they had more than enough, and refused to over produce, instead focusing on living life.
Be the islanders
Kids get less exhausting as they get older. Youre def not lazy, early parenthood is rough and the 2nd kid def more than doubles the stress. But it does get a lot better as they get more independent and sorted.
It’s also worth seeing if you and your partner (assuming you have one) can take a day off every now and then to recharge. My wife and I both travel for work and honestly find those small chunks of alone time to be pretty refreshing.
Honestly, man, its about mindset. Some of the things you’re doing may feel like chores or work because you really are a little burnt out. It’s important to rest, absolutely, but it’s also important to find ways of sneaking in fun or together time where least expected. Example I use is cleaning the house – happens every weekend and instead of just doing it all on my own, I would incorporate my daughter in some way with the result being multiple – I’m working with her, she learns how to help keep things clean, and so on. But yes, having a family and in your prime earning years can be a bit of a slog. But, it doesn’t need to be. If "rest", however you define it, is really important for you, then work it into your busy schedule.
Everyone is different, im 41 and highly value my downtime, and I always have.. that being said, I’ve been a father since I was 20 so downtime hasn’t always been available.
Some guys i work with have 2 or 3 jobs because they can’t stand to be idle.
Rest when you’re dead. Time spent resting is time taken away from something you could be grinding on or improving in your life.
If you want to win at life, then you have to out-hustle your competition for jobs, money, mating opportunities, etc.
You gotta intentionally set aside time to rest… maybe that home improvement project you are working on will take 3 weeks to complete instead of 1 week because you are taking time to rest, and that’s ok.
I rest all weekend. I don’t do a thing, and I don’t care. Always being busy sucks, man.
Stop and smell the roses, enjoy life. I promise it’s ok to not have something to check off your to-do list every waking hour.
I’m in my 50’s and I still don’t get to rest. Unfortunately life isn’t a steady graph upwards and even later in life it’ll knock you back down a few pegs and it takes work to build back up.
I want to rest and enjoy life now in my 30’s. I’ve been working (mostly out of town) non-stop since 16 and started a corp at 23. I hate the notion of "retiring" in my mid to late 60’s to finally enjoy life once my body is broken and I’m on my way out… that’s bullshit.
I’ve finally started prioritizing myself and my family and taking less contracts throughout the year. If I can afford to only work 5 – 6 months out of the year, im going to.
First, I want to say that your 20s is a great time to hustle. But there must be balance.
Different people are going to have different perspectives. Mine, 38m, is that if you don’t find time to rest, your quality of life, health, and relationships will suffer. You will age faster.
Here’s the most controversial statement I’ll venture: healthy emotional regulation requires rest of some kind. If you’re ‘go go go,’ you’re not taking the time to be deeply aware of your own internal states. This, plus not allowing your mind and body to relax with regularity, will lead to emotional disregulation.
You mention what you observe in other adults- be aware that you are not usually seeing the whole picture. If you know someone well, and look up to them- by all means, model their behavior.
If you don’t know someone well, but have an impression that they work hard and are therefore effective in life- beware the Instagram effect. Things are not always as they seem on the surface.
I’m 36 now, married, two kids. Just wanted to say I feel you.
You’re not behind in life mate, you’re right where you should be, everyone’s timeline is different
The only time I get a break is while I’m on the shitter. Next anticipated break is when the kids leave for college in 17 years.
Joking aside… with both parents working full time and taking care of 2 young kids, there isn’t a ton of down time. Cooking, cleaning, errands, chores, doctors appointments, etc. eat up a lot of time, even if you divide and conquer. I think that’s just par for the course for a while.
So my plan is just get the breaks in when we can, and appreciate the fuck out of the breaks we get. Grandma will watch the kids for a night? Great. Spouse will keep an eye on them while they sleep so I can go out with friends? Rad. I’ll hang with the kids so she can get brunch with her gals? Of course. Still gotta make time for yourselves to be adults, and for each other to remain individuals.
Someday they’ll be old enough to entertain themselves. Eventually they’ll do sleepovers at friends’. They’ll be old enough to fly down and visit grandpa for the weekend on their own. Gradually we’ll get some time back.
Hang in there.
Live frugally and stop trying to impress others and you could relief some of the estress and pressure.
I’m 35 single no kids. I rest all the time. I’m at peace.
Everyone is different, but I will say hustling strong through the 30’s can really pay off later.
So, you like to rest and read. Use that to your advantage. Read things to improve your situation. Learn a new skill or increase your knowledge at your current job to get promoted. You can rest and focus on the grind. Work smarter not harder.
I’m more of high energy, I can’t sit for anything and have always had an abundance, but I had to channel that as well. Got to a great spot in my 30’s and kept pushing pretty hard through mid 40’s. But now, I’m relaxing my kind of way and have little stress because of where we are in life now.
I get up early on the weekends to rest for a few hours. Perfect time to sit and relax, read and have some coffee. Outside of those few hours I like to stay busy. Rather be golfing, exercising, with my free time than just sitting around. My wife and I are those people that fit in as much as we can during our vacations and not the sit on the beach all day people.
When you are younger it is the time to start getting a good sleep schedule and getting self-discipline in order. Life may throw you curve balls (job loss, injury, etc) but having a safety net and consistency can mitigate risks. Keep bills low if possible, keep your eyes out for job promotions and opportunities, and build a home regime that is healthy (doing dishes daily or as they are used, managing laundry, etc).
If you do the above your free and leisure time will just be a normal part of your day and you will not think twice about it.
Go to bed when your kids do and get up before they do.
I’m 50 and work 6 days per week and eat maybe once per week at home. I am not sure that rest ever happens. It is all a game of trying to keep your head above water. I commute 20 hours per week and work two jobs. I’m pretty sure that’s a fairly normal life for American men. The family needs to eat.
You need to rest! You don’t always need to be tinkering with something all the time. It’s not lazy to chill by the pool after working a full week. It’s also good for your children to see you prioritizing your health and well being.
Rest and relaxation! Get massages regularly and travel too!
I had a similar story and things started to settle down in my late 30s … so I went to grad school and got my Masters degree at 41. Then I went into management. Then I retired. Now I’m going back to work.
All I can say is get a motorcycle in a few years.
It’s just a life preference. Nothing wrong with it either way. I would rather rest when I’m dead. I like a lazy Sunday as much as the next person, but I want to go do things and experience things before I get too old.
I think you need to ask yourself why is life full throttle all day everyday. Are there any changes you could make?
My wife and I own our own painting business. We don’t overwork ourselves. A typical week is 30-35 hours and we rarely will work a Saturday (2-3timea a year).
It’s a choice we made. We don’t constantly want to be on the go. Our house is lived in. It’s clean but far from perfect. I don’t care about having a perfect yard.
> I’ve always had the strong desire to rest form my early 20s…
> The ideal image of a Sunday afternoon in my mind is sitting on a deck chair in the sun and reading a book.
Mate, that sounds wonderful!
> The reality is I have 2 kids
oh
Wow, you look great! And happy.
All those things are important. Guess what happens if you get sick mentally or physically especiallyfor an extended period of time? You lose your ability to do those things and the income that allows you to do it.
There is no one more important than yourself and your partner in that household. Kids need to learn to play unsupervised or the feeling of boredom. Take the rest when you need it. Everyone is different. Ie I’m a type A go getter type and always prided myself on not needing it for example
The version of this I grew up with was “play now and pay later, or pay now and play later.”
I think all the old man sayings and rules of thumb are garbage. But cause-and-effect is certainly real.
I grew up in a very large small town. People who stayed got married and had kids in the early 20s… And stayed forever. That was never my path.
I left for university and have spent 22 years in three of the 10 largest cities in the country.
These aren’t the only paths and they aren’t meant to represent general cases. They are real examples, that are reasonably common, that illustrate some of the trade-off among priorities in your life.
Rest is for the wicked
Rest when you want.
Enjoy your life the way you want to.
There’s videos where older folks are asked what they would have done differently or changed about their lives and I’ve seen so many successful men say they wish they hadn’t worked so hard. Spent more time relaxing and with their families when they were younger.
Modern life has us basing everything on this capitalistic culture and post-industrial revolution lifestyle and that’s not the bible for how humans should exist.
Every seventh day should be a day of rest.
I feel behind too.
For most people, you are only physically capable to work when you’re younger. You don’t have that option when older, so the default is to work while you still can.
Also, like you mentioned, feeling behind in life. When you’re 70 and an unexpected illness or other expense hits, if you’ve been resting most of your younger years and haven’t built up a security net the best you can, then it’s game over.
Conversely if you did suffer in your earlier years for longer, for a little bit to spare, then even if you don’t have any unforeseen expenses in old age, you’d just use that spare cash to enjoy life and tick off the bucket list.
The whole concept is designed so the entire economy stays on the rat wheel, being productive always feeling like no amount of work is enough. It’s by design unless somehow at some point in your life you find yourself far enough ahead of the pack, which in itself is already an ever shifting goal post.
It’s by design so we work forever until we die.
Rest? LOL, you should be ready to lurch from one thing to another, always a challenge or anything to do. But with that is stimulation. ‘resting’ in older life is actually a recipe for physical disaster, sedentary life is not what you want after 45.
Most people I know including myself, 30s is the busiest decade of your life. It’s called serious 30s where I am as that’s when many get serious with their lives. Wake up from the haze of partying in your 20s and figuring out life lol. 40s stsrt to slow down. 50s are slow. 60s depends on too many factors sadly. Economic uncertainty mostly.
But that’s my view anyways.
The short answer – rest is not why we are here. It does not get any better at some later time. You decide when and how much you need to rest so that you will be able to work again.
That said Al Bundy has it right… Now that kids are older and do not need constant attention I do find LOTS of time to watch random youtubes after work. So yes, objectively I AM lazy… I get tired much more easily too. Sometimes all I do is eat and go to sleep after work day.
Do what is needed for your mental and physical health.
I’ve always been "low energy". Introverted; once-a-week socialising is more than I like, and I prefer limiting it to just seeing my best friend for a drink and food. A week of work drains me because you have to be more sociable and interact with others.
I envy friends who go 100% on everything all the time (I assume they’re on drugs because I can’t fathom how they do it). They work long hours, go out for dinner several evenings a week and are always out and about on the weekends. I don’t envy how sociable they are; I envy how they seem to have unrelenting energy.
Having a kid since last year, I also find I have very little downtime (usually 1 hour 45 after she goes to sleep). What gets me through it is eventually she will be older and will be more self-sufficient.
There’s no guarantees there is a later. Plan accordingly
Rest is vital for wellbeing in all stages of life. Sure, there are times when life is more demanding and rest is rare but it’s still a need that must be met.
I can relate to having little ones, a lot to catch up on, a full life, and the desire for rest. Wherever you can make it happen. Have the wife take the kids for an hour or two, and vice versa. Let them stay with family for a day or overnight if that’s a possibility. Communicate with your wife so you can get things done and both have down time.
Trade in that episode of Severance for an hour of reading at bedtime, etc.
In the US, at least, we have a very capitalist culture, so it’s not just an economic system but it essentially dictates our way of life. Resting is seen as the enemy of progress and a waste of time, we have to constantly be working, either at our job, on a project, or on ourselves. “If you’re not growing, you’re dying”, as they say. Heck, many people feel guilty for resting or napping.
Yeah growth is important. Life isn’t going to be very fulfilling and you’re not going to be very useful for those around you if your idea of rest is being on your phone all night and not working on yourself, but at the same time rest is necessary for growth. Just as we need to rest our muscles after we train for them to grow, we need to rest our minds and bodies to not only recover from the day, and sort things out mentally, but to just be and just experience our self.
Rest is good. You’ll need more when you’re older though.
But I think a lot of people overdo life when they’re younger. Wayyy too busy doing what end up being pretty irrelevant things in the grand scheme. Too much time in the sun, too much drinking, too much staying up too late, too much fast food because not enough time for something healthier. It catches up with you in the end.
Everything in moderation, and it will continue to be moderate as you age, instead of falling off a cliff because your liver is dead or you have diabetes or your obesity is causing some problem or you look like a old piece of leather with possible melanoma to deal with.
if its happening too often could also be overactive thyroid