I have recently made an effort to get to know my boyfriend’s family despite them being narcissists. My family is not (thank god), however I have had many narcissistic friends over the years and go I know many of the red flags by this point.
Anyways, my boyfriend, his mother, and myself decided to try to go to the beach today as a fun activity. My boyfriend and I decided nothing more than 3 hours just in case anything goes wrong. Boy, was that the right call.
My boyfriend doesn’t love going in the water at this time of year. This is where the conflict started.
His mother: “Hey you should jump in the water, it will be fun!”
Him: “No, I’m alright, thanks.”
Her: “Are you sure? You really should jump in! It’s not like the water is going to scare you!”
Him (slightly annoyed): “Seriously, I’m good. Thanks.”
Her: “Oh come on!”
Then she tried to grab his arm but he moved away.
Him (now pretty annoyed): “I said stop! If I wanna jump in I will!”
One thing I forgot to mention is that there were other people within earshot of all of this. Maybe 10. Unfortunately for my boyfriend, these people weren’t paying attention until he said that final line and he kinda snapped. He wasn’t that mad, however his mother sold the performance.
She looked around at the other people with the biggest look of both fear and disgust one could ever see.
The other people frowned at him. Some moved away from us.
We decided to leave soon after.
My question is this: how is he supposed to fucking react? As a guy, (according to him) that makes him look bad to get annoyed toward a woman. So what the fuck is he supposed to do?
I’ve never even thought about this before since with my narcissist friends it’s been f-to-f conflict. I never factored in if it was a guy being rage-baited nonetheless in public where it can look worse.
To all of the guys in this sub, please give me some advice I can relay over to him. He is terrified of going outside with his mother again because he doesn’t want the same thing to happen.
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In situations similar to this whete someone is trying to make me do something i simply say no first time and the second time “please stop preasuring me to do x, your behaviour is making me uncomfortable”
I was often rage-baited by my gc/nsisters and always looked like the bad guy and wish I had a good response (never did!😣)
BUT…at my first job, our manager kept doing this to our breakfast cook (a really nice guy). He just flipped out one day and told her to stop or he would report her to her parole officer! Instead of her usual malignant smirk, she just looked horrified! She also left him alone after that. Don’t know if this helps!
…how vindictive are you feeling?
If not and you just want to be polite instead clearly state the boundary and consequences immediately “ask me that again and we will leave” then enforce the boundary if she continues. The trouble with this is that she can still use you leaving to make a scene. This can be mitigated though by being extra polite and apologizing to the people taking note as you leave. That makes it clear that she is the instigator.
However, the nuclear option is to flip the tables. When she gets physical, make the vulnerability public. “Mom! You know I have a fear of the ocean and still came out here anyway to spend time with you! I’m leaving!”
The mother’s goal wasn’t to get him into the water, it was to illicit this response. There isn’t a real way to win it, the narc designs it this way. “Your mother knows how to push your buttons because she installed them herself”. The only option is to quietly say no and then move away. Don’t give her a second chance, she’ll use it to escalate and get loud. Calmly, quietly, leave.
The only winning move is not to play. I’ve been thru family ragebait so much in my youth.
Just walk the fuck away, don’t engage. Better yet, limit the time you both spend with his family. The less time he spends around them, the less games and aggravation he’ll deal with.
I’m not a guy, but what he needs to do is stand up and deflect/ leave well before he gets to the stage where he rages. It could be “gotta go rock a piss”, or full on pack up all his shit and you both leave.
As for the jump in the water game. Missed opportunity to tell her “I’m absolutely not doing that” upfront, and then pretend/infer going along (be verbally non-committal) but insist she jump, too. And then do the big running start but stop dead at the last second. As a middle-aged mom myself; she’s fat, old and slow in comparison to your BF and she’ll eat it if she tries to stop her jump. It’s a solid 90% she’s going in. And then refer to upfront comment saying no. What is she gonna do? Throw a tantrum from the lake? Who cares? She’s wet and cold and he’s not. Don’t give a shit about getting in trouble – all will have witnessed her acting like a jerk and they’ll be laughing at her. She wants attention? Humiliate her. And then put her on an immediate time out for a month or two.
As for you, if they’re truly narcissists, stop trying to get to know them. Respect your boyfriend that they are toxic people to keep your distance from. If you can’t deal with not having a big extended family – he’s not the right dude for you. They will NEVER come around. Trying is a waste of your time, and will emotionally destroy you.
My first marriage was to a narcissist. My second (and final) husband’s ex wife is a narcissist with some bonus personality disorders and it was a decade of absolute hell coparenting. Life is so much more pleasant when the narcissists are tormenting somebody else.
I went no-contact, did some therapy, came off of my mood stabilizing medication, & really did the hard work to understand what the fuck was done to me & why I was so reactive to injustice (ie repeatedly not having my boundaries respected).
So, step 1: no contact. Realize he didn’t have a mother, he had an abuser, someone who manipulates & hurts him, intentionally, for her own perverted version of joy.
You need to YELL AT HER
KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF MY HUSBAND OLD WOMAN!!!
Screeeeeech it. Loudly. Make EVERYONE stare.
Then start REALLY yelling at her.
Make HER the pervert.
What’s his fear? Sounds like the worst thing was strangers looked at him funny and moved away. He set and reinforced a boundary, and the mom stopped. So what if some randos don’t get it?
Is it the “assertiveness hangover” he felt? If so, I find that’s normal in recovery, and when practicing a new skill. I’d support whatever makes him, and you, feel safe and able to exercise choice — including reducing contact if she continues to violate boundaries.
Like someone said above, the only way to win is not to play. Low contact or no contact. Socialize in public as little as possible. Sometimes I agree to something and cancel last minute. Easier to deal with their disappointment anger on the phone than socializing face to face. I’m sorry it happened that way. Your bf sounds like a genuinely nice guy. I hope you both can find ways to limit contact and social interaction.