My mom made cancer treatment harder than it had to be, and I don’t know if I’m being ungrateful for feeling this bitter.

TL;DR: I (27F) was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma and went through 6 months of chemo while living with my narcissistic mom. She invalidated my pain, isolated me, and even threatened to kick me out before treatment started. She later apologized, but it felt more about her image than my well-being. I’m emotionally drained and feel guilty for resenting her despite the emotional toll she caused.

I’m 27F, Latina, and in October 2024, I was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma after finding a lump above my left collarbone that kept growing. It took months of scans, tests, and biopsies to finally get answers, and when I did, everything hit at once. In one appointment, I found out I’d need a port placed in my chest, six months of chemo, and that I couldn’t work my new job that I loved anymore. On top of that, the doctor said I’d need a strong support system. That part stung- because my mom and I were already in a rough patch, or maybe we’d always been in one.

Before my diagnosis, I was trying to set healthy boundaries with her. Things like not telling her where I go or who I’m with all the time. But she’d get aggressive or passive-aggressive whenever I did that. I’d be met with comments that were rude, mean, or just dismissive. Friends told me it’s common with overbearing parents, and that it gets better when you move out. But my mom doesn’t let up, she’ll guilt trip me, gaslight me, and constantly say things like “in this house we ___” or “in this family we don’t ____” when I try to assert myself.

When I got officially diagnosed, we got into a huge argument and she didn’t speak to me for days. When I came home from my port placement surgery, no one in the house even acknowledged me except my 14-year-old sibling. My mom has this way of getting everyone else to ice me out when she’s mad at me. It’s like a tactic,she creates this environment where I feel unwanted, and I think she knows exactly what she’s doing.

I had asked my 21-year-old sister to drop me off for surgery, and the day before, my mom texted me saying that my sister suddenly couldn’t take me and that she had an “appointment” that she couldn’t miss that came up. Turns out, the appointment was a Brazilian wax that she couldn’t miss because she’d have to pay a $36 cancellation fee. And to make it double worse my mother had scheduled it after I had already disclosed my surgery date. I had to scramble to find someone else last-minute.

During my treatment, I kept having to explain to my mom why I couldn’t do certain things, like chores. I was exhausted, my body ached, and I just wanted to rest, but she’d act like I was being lazy or using cancer as an excuse. She’d ask, “How are you feeling?” and before I could answer, she’d launch into how her back hurts from work, or her head hurts, too. I cannot even explain how invalidating it felt to have my chemo side effects compared to her everyday stress.

She also took half of my disability check “for PG&E” even though that was all the money I had for food or essentials, especially when I didn’t have the energy to cook. Meanwhile, she and the rest of the house barely checked in on me. I felt like a ghost in my own home.

To be fair, she did do things for me: she got me a case of alkaline water, and she drove me to a few of my 3–4 hour chemo sessions and sat with me. I appreciate that. But the emotional toll of living here through all this? It was awful. I honestly wish I had just found a quiet room to rent and done this whole thing on my own. I feel like that would’ve been less lonely than this household.

To make matters worse, about a week before my treatment even started, she threatened to kick me out. I had been keeping to myself more to protect my peace, and she didn’t like that. She escalated quickly and said I could either “stop with the attitude or leave.” When I pushed back, she got manipulative and said I wasn’t being threatened, I was simply “choosing to leave” by not “acting right.” It was like she wanted the power of making me feel unsafe, without the responsibility of admitting she kicked out her daughter with cancer.

And when I called her out on how cold that was, she actually said, “I don’t have a problem telling one of my kids to leave- cancer or not.”
That sentence has lived rent-free in my head ever since.

She ignored me for days afterward, and then finally sat me down for an hour-long talk , not to apologize because she hurt me, but because she was embarrassed. She said she “shouldn’t have said that,” and admitted she’d feel ashamed if I had gone to stay with my aunt instead, since I have “family” right here. But even that apology felt more about her image than my comfort. And honestly? I should have gone. I should have taken my aunt’s offer and stayed somewhere safe and supportive. Instead, I stayed in this familiar, toxic place where nearly every family member listens to her, isolates me when she’s mad, and makes me feel worse whenever she decides I deserve it.

Now that I’m at the tail end of treatment, the bitterness is eating at me. I feel so emotionally drained. But then I gaslight myself and start thinking, “Am I just being ungrateful?” Because my mom keeps saying things like, “Don’t say I wasn’t there for you.” And I don’t even know how to respond to that. Yeah, she was physically around… but emotionally? She made everything so much harder.