My 13 y/o daughter – likely AuDHD – places really unreasonable beauty standards on herself. She spends hours tweaking her make up before being seen in public. Her hair is also ‘never right’ in her eyes.
We live by the sea, and her friends all hang out on the beach in the summer months, but she won’t go because she thinks she’s too fat to wear a bikini, and if she covers up ‘they’ll all know it’s because she’s fat’ (she’s not at all, she’s a UK size 12). Her friends don’t judge at all, but most of them are super skinny, and she compares herself to them. It’s so crushing to see my beautiful girl obsess over – and loathe – her appearance. I feel powerless to help. It feels like nothing I say/do is right. What’s the healthiest way for a parent to handle this?
Comments
Thank you u/CharlyByTheSea for posting on r/AskParents. All post titles must be in the form of a question.
Posts that do not conform to the subreddit rules are subject to removal at the discretion of a moderator.
Remember to read the rules and report rule breaking posts.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Tbh this is pretty typical behaviour for a 13 year old that’s how I felt at 13 that’s how a lot of girls feel. Only difference between me and her is I had a level of not caring enough to miss out on fun BUT I knew subconsciously that I was “fatter” than everyone else. Similar to her I was an Australian size 10~ with all my friends being like 6-8.
If it’s something that truly truly bothers her as you say, you could encourage her to eat more fruits and veggies and maybe start a sport. If she’s anything like I was not a group sport haha but maybe something she can just do on her own. Or offer to go on daily walks with her along the beach, stuff like that. I’m NOT saying to put her on a diet in any way shape or form, because that is harmful as a child, but eating more fruits and vegetables is good for you and makes you feel good imo.
Another thing you can do is take her swimwear shopping. I clued in around her age that if I wore a vintage style high waisted bikini I could still be in a bikini and not like a 1 piece. And anyways a high waisted bikini is far more flattering anyway.
I don’t think it is possible to manage another person’s self esteem let alone a young teenage girl. All you can do is help her love herself. Continue telling her how beautiful she is, how helpful, kind, hard working she is, etc as well so she can foster a sense of self that has nothing to do with her looks. It is very difficult at this age not to be pre-occupied with looks because as a girl especially it’s the first time you feel “bleh” about your body because it’s changing drastically due to puberty. And in my opinion it’s puberty that exacerbates everything about this time in a young girl’s life.
I’m no professional but I suggest checking any media she involves herself in, this could seriously be affecting her self image. Also, probably the only likely solution is getting her therapy.
She needs a new friend group. This bunch is in too much of a hurry to grow up.
Seems like regular teen girl things. I would have her see a therapist for some self esteem type coaching.
I wish our kids would listen when we tell them how perfect they are as is. I always thought I was heavy and I look back and can’t believe I thought that way. The best thing I can tell you is to help them focus on other things. I put my girls in sports so they had other girls giving them good self esteem. They both played an instrument and were in band and had positive influence from other members. You can tell them how beautiful they are until you’re blue in the face but it only seems to make a difference when they are surrounded and supported by their peers. My oldest would have a full blown breakdown if her hair had a bump in it when she pulled it back. Just keep assuring her. Girls are hard. She’s at a hard age. Eventually she’ll come into her own. Encourage her to go with her friends. Good luck