Please help. We are at wits end
My 9 year old has no drive to do anything. She won’t do her chores or anything we tell her to do. She complains about every meal even when it’s something we know she likes. She has now started to hide food between the fridge and the counter because she doesn’t want to eat it. She won’t take care of herself or anything we get her and we’ve recently just spent over 1000$ on her a brand new bed and books and coloring/art supplies just for her to leave them face down on the floor pages splayed out and art supplies just strewn across the floor. She tells us she doesn’t take care of things because “doesn’t want to” and she knows what we’re telling her and thinks of it but just doesn’t pay it any mind. We’ve tried taking things away. We’ve tried rewarding her efforts that she does get. I have offered to pay her to do stuff but she just doesn’t want to do anything. Even the things she does want to do she doesn’t put any effort in and as soon as the task is difficult or tedious she gives up and says she can’t do it. Please help. We’ve got her a doctors appointment on Monday to talk to her pediatrician about her behavior but I need ideas of stuff for home.
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Does she do anything at all on her own? To entertain herself. How about socialization, does she still enjoy spending time with friends? Unfortunately using stuff she really actively likes to control her is the only thing I can think of.
As far as food, if you ask her what she would actually eat, does she have any suggestions?
I think you need to also book a child therapist, not only a doctor.
If she is really depressed she may benefit from both.
I hope the poor kid gets better soon!
I would suggest family therapy and individual therapy. If she doesn’t take joy in anything, something is wrong, and no amount of rewards or punishment is going to help bring her joy and motivation.
Is she in any sports? Does she enjoy any physical activity?
Does she enjoy spending time with you?
You mentioned that she had a friend recently that she can no longer play with, did any of this crop up after that friendship fizzled?
Is this a recent change or has it been building up?
Someone else suggested family therapy, I wonder if something is bothering her and she’s needing a safe space to tell you?
To me it sounds like my kids when we are all overworked and extremely exhausted and not listening to their needs. We’ve benefitted from resets and increased attention. Doing things together that we all like. It can be a struggle and it’s not linear, but it has gotten better for us over time on each instance. That being said, every family is different so it’s hard to know.
What will you discuss with the doctor?
Take every single thing that she has and does for fun away from her.
You participate in society or you get no fruits from it.
I’ve been having similar problems with my 9-year-old. I’ve assumed it’s mostly a developmental phase because up until a couple years ago she was an angel who was very obedient and loving. Now she seems to push back against me specifically, like refusing to try things just because I’ve suggested them and so forth.
She has also been diagnosed with ADHD and we’ve had a few rocky moments in our family and with her dad that could be causing some issues. I feel bad when I loose my patience with her because I never did before but sometimes the constant power struggles get the best of me.
I don’t have any different suggestions than anyone else. It sounds like you are doing everything you can: communicating, therapy, etc. You might try changing therapists (we went through 3 before we found one that worked for her) and try family therapy with her.
But I mostly just wanted you to know that I get it. It’s so hard and heartbreaking. Hopefully with time and consistency we can get through this and our girls will come out on the other side okay.
Any number of things could be wrong. She may have been molested, she might be hearing voices, one girl on here had a large boil between her buttocks she was too shy to ask for help with. So it could be something emotional, mental, or physical. She needs help.
You need family therapy… this is absolutely NOT normal
Do them with her, it will make a big difference and raise her confidence.
You banned her from her best friend? Do you go into her room and offer help her pick up and organize and then do it with her? Do you offer to read with her? Ask her about what she’s reading? Engage with her art? Schedule times to watch shows and do things with her?
Or did you take away her best friend, then buy her a bunch of crap, not help her or teach her how to care for and organize it, and then complain because a little girl who lost her best friend is depressed and her parents’ solution is to buy her stuff and then guilt her for it?
I see in your other posts this is a blended family …is it possible she is feeling traumatized from the divorce and rebelling against all of that and has unresolved feelings about it ? Maybe she is depressed or lonely
Am so sorry you are going through. And your daughter is lucky to have a parent like you who wants to learn and help. It takes bravery sometimes to take a step to channel our issues. Has she been like this always? If we trace back and see the past, it would be easier to assess thr cause for these new paterns OP mentioned.
Children can have depression
There’s a saying that really helps me when dealing with my neurodivergent son. “He’s not giving you a hard time, he’s having a hard time.”
Try taking the pressure off her with the chores and deadlines. Get to the bottom of what’s going on and get therapists help on how to get the family back on track
Has she had any big changes in her life life prior to this behavior?