I have found that alot of times when my wife and I get into an argument, we actually want the same end result, or something really similar. We are only arguing about “how we get to” the end result, not “what” that end result is. So the next time you find yourself in the middle of an argument with your wife/husband take a breath, find the end result that you both want, and say it out loud. It will cause you both to focus on the solution instead of trying to win the argument. This has absolutely helped me to realize that we are a team, even during some pretty heated arguments.
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The “we are a team” is so key. Our 2nd boy was extremely challenging (but is an awesome kid now). We literally just had to keep saying “same team?” when we both realized things were heading for a fight. 100% with you on the point that both parties generally always want the same thing. I’m definitely going to try the verbalizing of the final outcome next time things get warmed up!
>just find a compromise
WOAH dude, groundbreaking stuff
Whether it be your Significant Other, Parent, Coworker, or friend. You two are a team and should work together to achieve an often similar or the same goal.
Its good to remind yourself of this before flying off the handles or going into a conversation half-cocked and ready to argue.
I tried to do this, but they just saw it as me trying to wrap up the fight. They wanted to keep going back and forth, and find blame instead of solutions. But then again I’m pretty sure they were some type of narcissist.
Hang on isn’t that what David Tronnes said…?
“If not for winning, why debate over means and ends?”
I usually will ask “what’s the desired result here?” during an argument. People wait too long to tell you what they want, they keep going on and on about the problem and they have a desired solution, but won’t come out with it.
Not the same thing OP is talking about but if you’re a piece of shit like me and find yourself getting into online arguments you can quite literally just walk away, not respond or stop responding or block them if it comes to it.
This works on already reasonable people. Unreasonable people will not allow for compromise, deem you the enemy of progress, and attempt to undermine you until their goal is achieved.
I find the older I get the more willing I am to say I’m wrong even when I’m not, just to preserve a relationship.
Tip for women wanting to end an argument with your SO, just show your tits. The fight will be over in a few seconds.
It’s not you vs them, it’s the two of you vs the problem.
I learned to set aside the material issues to handle the feelings first. When I realize that we’re arguing, I just say, “I don’t want to fight.” She doesn’t want to either. But instead of following that up with arguments, I just try to understand what she’s feeling. The cost of doing something properly to eliminate my stress is higher if it stresses her out, because that stresses us both. I’m good at figuring out processes, but not so good at figuring out her stressors. But if I can understand why she’s feeling bad, we can usually find a way to do things that will be good for both of us.
This is the foundation of my relationship with my wife. It’s ALWAYS “you and me versus the problem, never you versus me versus the problem.” Fuck winning an argument when you never have to argue.
“why are you doing it that way?”
You are in a partnership against the problem.
Always heard approach everything as “Is vs the problem” not “you vs me”
Show me a couple that doesn’t fight, I’ll show you two liars…
I can 100% say I didn’t want my ex sending nudes out and she did… maybe I’m biased.
The sooner everyone realizes this the more pleasant and peaceful life will be.
We call this “being in violent agreement”.
My wife and I have an agreement that if we’re mad at each other, if the other one is making us sad or we feel isolated, we ask for a hug. So if I’m mad, I ask her for a hug. Even when I really don’t want it. Works wonders for deescalating the situation and getting us closer to a resolution.
Set up a phrase for when you need a break to cool down, like “I think there’s cake in the fridge.” So you both know you need a while to be less heated.
Maybe this works okay for some things but not necessarily for others.
If it’s just something relatively low stakes and you can get to your desired result quickly regardless of method then yeah fine, who cares?
If the desired result requires a lot of time and energy to get there and different methods of achieving that goal have different tradeoffs then I don’t see how clarifying the end goal is going to help you.
Divorced dude here, mileage certainly varies on this. Currently dealing with an issue right now, I’ve given her EVERYTHING she asked for on that issue, somehow it’s still not resolved and it’s ALL MY fault 🤷🏾♂️.
Coming to a mutually beneficial solution is so much more fun than trying to win an argument…
As long as there’s a loser, both parties lose. There are no.winners when 1 partner loses.
I’m a mediator and I approve this message.
Wow great advice. How about you give an example though
This assumes that both you and your partner are goal-oriented people. Not everyone is like that. My wife will complain endlessly about getting the outcome she says she wants if she wasn’t consulted at every step of the process. She doesn’t care about the end result at all. She cares about controlling things.
I’ve found this happening to me before, and I realized arguing about the how is silly. I just wrap it up with:
“As long as you’re sure that will make you happy,” usually shuts that down pretty quick, and sometimes, when you’re not presenting yourself as aggressively disagreeable anymore, you’ll even get a, “no wait, what you were saying might work good too.” Life’s too shirt to argue. It’s just not worth it.
Oh my god, this really takes me back to my ex. We’d get into these pointless disagreements and just spiral for hours. I’d eventually try to wrap it up by saying, ‘Look, I see it this way, you see it that way — let’s agree to disagree.’ But she just couldn’t let it rest. She’d say things like, ‘I can’t leave it here, it doesn’t feel right..’ and continue to repeat the same line again.
..even staying quiet wasn’t an option because she would bring up the fact that i’m silent and expected a response. It was emotionally draining
“I WANT A DIVORCE!”
“Oh my god, me too, I love you!”
The sorta therapy-y way I’ve heard this put is to frame it as “us vs. the problem”, as opposed to “me vs. you”
It must be nice. I’m dealing with being told to admit I’m lying or if I don’t agree with them I am continuing to lie. Man, not having trust just completely makes everything impossible.
It’s considerably less stressful to let “the wife” try to do it her way, let her f*ck it up, then quietly fix things up later.
That ends up creating another argument.
“We both want me to go out with the guys tonight”
A good relationship is not ‘you vs me’, it’s ‘you & me vs the problem’.
Being a team is how my husband and I approach our life together. It changes the whole focus of how you interact and brings it into a “together” space rather than a “what am I getting?” space.
I usually say something highly inappropriate like, “want me to hang dong?”
That gets an eye roll and a subject change.
Crème brûlée/divorce
“Getting to Yes” by Roger Fisher and William Ury.
Start taking your clothes off… eazypeezy.
Big guy threatening you on the street… take it all off.
On the other hand, the phrase “I have your input” can absolutely terminate an argument in a way no other sentence can imo
it might help if you gave an example or two. it’s hard to understand what you mean at the moment.
When my dad and stepmom were screaming and yelling all forns of sense and rational left. It’s either “I’m right and you’re wrong. Or nothing” If they’re narcissistic you’ve both lost the battle, but haven’t realized it yet
Good point. I think “it’s them and me VS a problem”, instead of “it’s me VS them VS the problem”