My parents are blue-collar working class immigrants, so I understand some of my career stuff doesn’t make sense to them because it is unfamiliar. I am a lawyer. I accepted an offer for an early career position that is pretty impressive in my field and will open doors for me. But when I told my mom, her first question was “why’d you leave your current job” and “does it pay more ~hourly~” and I explained it’s a yearly salaried position like all attorney jobs are, and that it does pay more and I’m happy about the job. Then she kept asking “oh does it pay monthly, how much is it?” I didn’t answer because my husband and I don’t share salary with anyone. We make 200k+ so aren’t exactly struggling and do well for ourselves, and we think it’s weird when people ask in our community such questions because it often comes off as “sizing up” someone, especially coming from an immigrant background or small town mentality. It feels like answering this question is a trap. Not sure if anyone can relate but it’s definitely a thing. The thing is my mom has never asked me such information and I’ve never offered it. It’s clear with everything we have that we are doing well. I pay a couple of my parents’ bills. The interaction made me regret sharing the news. My parents don’t ask me for money, but I know they don’t make much so I happily help where I can. I am so put off and I don’t know if it’s just that she doesn’t know what else to ask or what? She said “well, people always ask me how much you’re making as a lawyer and I tell them you don’t tell me anything.” First of all, why are people even asking? That’s so gross. The reason I don’t share is also due to my own financial trauma growing up poor.
It just made me feel so off. Like where is it coming from? Do they need money or something from me? Do they want to make conversation? Do they want to feel involved in my life? The reason I don’t involve them is because whenever I share good news, I just want them to say congratulations. THATS ALL.
Comments
Well first off, lawyer to lawyer, I am proud of you. Great job!
I also have working class parents. Not immigrants, but ethnic minorities. I suspect wanting to know your salary is their attempt to brag to others. A lot of folks stake their pride in their kids’ success.
I’m sorry they didn’t just give you warmth and support. I remember being proud to tell my mom I was training for a marathon. She said, “what are you running from that you are running so much?” Thanks mom.
I think sometimes people who grew up struggling have a knee jerk response to good news: where’s the downside, where are the hidden traps. You know?
I think your mom needs some reality check in the form of "can’t you just say congratulations?"
Little town mentality too here and I completely agree with you about not sharing financial info. I don’t care it’s family, they are too much ok with sharing it with their friends and this can lead to troubles. Also, it’s a bad habit itself and someone has to stop it
I’m 55, my mother is 83. I’ve realized over the years that sometimes when my mother says the "wrong" thing after I share something with her, she can be redirected if I tell her kindly what I need to hear. Hey, mom, please congratulate me, tell me you’re proud of me.
Congratulations! It’s the worst when you are proud of something and want to celebrate with others but family just rains on the parade. I feel like every time I’ve gotten a new job or opportunity, my parents have asked the wage and had opinions on that, had opinions when I was salaried that I was working too much, now that I’m part time and less stressed, that isn’t enough. I’m glad you’re rocking your goals and wish you the best! That’s really what matters
Congratulations on your new position and everything that it will afford you in your life! I am sure you will crush it. 🥳🥳🥳
Congratulations! Great job.
Talk with them. Tell your parents what you need from them.
Congrats!! That’s super exciting for you and I’m so sorry that your mom rained on your parade when you tried to share your news.
With my own mum, who was so super supportive of me until I reached a certain level of career success, I’ve really dialled back on how much I share. I’ve found female mentors that can stand in to provide the validation that I’m seeking (a very human need, I think) so that I’m not continually putting myself in the same spot and being hurt again.
I hope you can still feel very proud of your accomplishment, you sound like a total badass.
I am proud of you and you should be too. I have immigrant parents as well and they just do not now how to say “ I am proud of you”.
I could have written this myself, I have blue-collar working class immigrant latino parents and it’s the EXACT same scenario. Husband and I don’t share salary info either and any job change it’s always the SAME exact questions that you mentioned, does it pay more? But why did you leave your job? But how much is it an hour? And yes everyone always asking how much we make and why is it a secret. This is a huge thing in the latino community unfortunately 😫.
You don’t even have to be a lawyer for them to respond like this tbh. They can’t celebrate because they don’t have a common point of reference.
Just enjoy your success and don’t tell them first I guess…