13 Lessons/Mistakes from My Last Breakup

These are 13 brutal lessons I learned from my last breakup.
I’m writing this mostly for myself, to remember. But maybe someone else can relate or avoid what I went through.

1. Lack of self-control

I was impulsive and emotional, in contrast I should have been calm, stable and in control, undisturbed by her actions.

Example: My most destructive behavior pattern was: If she did an action specifically to make me jealous, nervous etc., I would react too strongly, I would start talking about my feelings, “You make me feel x/y/z, why would you do that? Don’t you care about me? I would start turning into a victim. And even if it was my “right” to feel that way, I wasn’t acting like a man.

Instead of reacting, I should have paused and stayed stone cold. I shouldn’t have said a word about how I felt, she already knew. I just had to say very calmly “I saw that. If it continues, this relationship won’t last.” No explanations. No drama. why? Because she already knows, stop treating her like a stupid child, she knows exactly what she did, don’t play the game.

And if she does it again, you have to keep your word as a man with self-respect.

Edit: Now this is for someone who is trying to manipulate you or is toxic(my experience) more or less, if your partner really did do something “wrong” without realizing it and you know it. You tell them what happened, how it made you feel, and ask them if they can stop “X” and ask them what made them do it, what they think, is it normal for them? But again, what if they do it by mistake and you just “explode”? Again you need to stay calm, think coolly, analyze the situation and act accordingly.

And when I mean “stone cold”, I mean, to stop and think. The fundamental idea is not to repress your emotions but to avoid reacting impulsively. Always stop, think, and don’t let negative emotions (like anger or jealousy) dominate you. And YES you will fail sometimes, you will overreact, your partner will do something simple and stupid and you will explode but you have to remind yourself that you have to stop, think and communicate about what happened if there is a positive desire on both sides.

2. Giving too fast Validation based on no or very little data

It takes time, months, to evaluate a person, the first 6 months are a “lie” anyway.

If it’s been two months and you’re already telling her how great she is just because she told you she loves you, well, no, she’s not great, you don’t know anything about her in 2 months, she has yet to earn her stripes. just because she’s pretty doesn’t mean she’s the best thing since sliced bread. Wake up.

3. Tolerating too much disrespect

Before I used to let small transgressions slide, not anymore. The moment you let these “small moments of disrespect” slide, they start to actively turn into bigger monsters, you let her take a fingernail, you do nothing, she takes your hand, you do nothing, she takes your whole arm, and 10 years later you wonder why she cheated on you and why she doesn’t respect you anymore, small things matter because they lead to big things.

Any little germ of disrespect should be addressed and crushed instantly, including lies, especially lies. You don’t want to boil slowly like a frog in the pot.

Edit: Obviously, in a healthy relationship, your partner is always looking to respect you. However, unfortunately, nowadays, with so many options, a lot of people like to play games. They’re not looking for a real connection, they’re looking for a toy. And if you tolerate their nonsense, you will be used, and you will suffer.

I don’t know if you want to end up in the position where, two years later, your girlfriend is still doing “homework” with her ex.

“They’re just friends,” Sure, buddy. Sure.

And we’ve all heard that before. Then you sit there asking yourself, “Where did I go wrong?”

Well… you know that thing about tolerating too much? Now you’re just their rag, because you accepted anything and everything. Good luck raising your expectations now.

4. Lack of standards/boundaries maintenance

You don’t tolerate transgressions, whether it’s 1 month or 10 years in. If you’re not okay with her being close to an ex, make that clear. And if she crosses that line,  you walk away.

5. Giving 110% from the beginning

Big mistake, you MUST work for the best in me, a relationship is reciprocal not one sided, you give what you get. A massive mistake I have always made, giving far more than I get, 110% of me for 5% of them.

Edit: For me, “100%” means everything. Every fiber of my being, every resource I can offer. If my best friend called me right now and said he needed me 1000km away, I’d go. If he needed $10k, I’d send it without asking questions.

Now imagine a woman I’ve only known for two weeks, would I take a bullet for her? No. Why? Because she hasn’t earned that yet.

She’s feeling really sick and needs comfort, but I’ve got a major project at work, what do I do? Probably focus on work.

Now flip the situation. This woman is my wife. She’s stood by me for five years, loyal, respectful, through thick and thin.

Same situation, she’s sick and needs me. The project at work? I’ll tell my boss it can wait.

So let’s not pretend we give 100% to someone just because we feel like it. Real commitment takes earned trust and time.

And I think this should be divided into 2 categories:

1.Emotional 100%

This is very difficult to quantify.
How do you measure if someone is giving 100% emotionally? You can’t, really.

But you can control your own behavior:

• See one person at a time.
• Give them 100% of your attention.
• If they text you, respond as quickly as you reasonably can.
• Stay available.
• Do whatever is in your power to make the relationship flourish.

It’s about consistent presence and genuine effort.

When I say “working for the best me,” I’m talking about building something real, not giving my best to someone who’s half-invested. If you show up, if you try, I match it, and more.

I’m here for something real. If you’re halfway in and playing games, you’ll never see my best.

2.Material 100%

This answers itself. We’ve known each other for two weeks, and you want me to invest all my time and resources?
It’s not going to happen.

You’ve been loyal and stood by me through thick and thin for X years?
I’m offering you everything I have.

6. Avoid excessive idealization

Idealization leads to unrealistic expectations and disappointments. It’s important to see the person objectively, with all their strengths and weaknesses, and to accept that no one is perfect, she is just a person like you and me.

7. Don’t share your biggest secrets/traumas/problems in the beginning

Or better don’t mention your problems at all in the beginning especially as a man. You want the “Strong Man” mask to stay on as long as possible, the moment she feels weakness, blood in the water, you have a problem, that’s the brutal reality.

You might be sharing something very intimate in your life with an evil person who can take advantage of and ridicule you, so be careful and take your time.

Edit: This doesn’t mean you have to pretend to be perfect. Honestly, I think you should do almost the opposite, destroy the illusion of perfection. It’s about finding the right balance between what you share and what you hold back early on.

Telling a deep secret or trauma on the first date? Probably not the best idea.

But if you’ve been together for six months and something from your past is starting to affect the relationship, maybe it’s time to open up and share it.

8. Judge based on actions not words

It sounds so simple but when you’re in love everything seems perfect and everything is excusable and permissible, nothing seems suspicious. Love is not a word, but an action.

9. You can’t win love, but you can win respect, love has to be given willingly

A hard lesson for me, love doesn’t work with a hammer. No matter how handsome you are, how much money you have, how smart you are you can’t force the person to love you. Maybe she likes the way you look, maybe she even gets extremely turned on by how you look, she likes that you’re successful, that you’re smart but her mind still on that guy, he’s a little fat, an attempt at even funny, why him? She doesn’t know either.

The moment I changed my mindset from “How do I get her to like me” to “She has to respect me even if she doesn’t like me” changed my life, all the rest of the “rules” can be followed much easier, no more walking on eggshells because it doesn’t matter as much if she likes you, respect above all. And if she doesn’t respect you, guess what, get rid of her, you don’t have to make her like you.

Edit: I think this is a harsh reality for many. The truth is, you can’t force someone to love you no matter how much you do for them. With some people, it just doesn’t work, no matter how deep your feelings go.
The lesson here is simple: stop begging for love. Instead, find someone who naturally feels it and is willing to give it back.
That’s why respect is so important. With love, you can’t control the “knob”. But when it comes to respect, you set the boundaries. You define what you’re willing to accept and what you won’t tolerate.

10. You are not here to save anyone, you are not Jesus, Bob the Builder or her therapist.

Edit: We’ve all seen it, and I’ve experienced it firsthand with my ex: a serial cheater. What was I going to do? Stay with her because I loved her and try to “fix” her? Why? Because she was traumatized in childhood, had extremely low self-esteem, and grew up without a father. She was a “victim”, so I thought I could “save” her. But seriously… that’s a road to nowhere.
Yes, all of that likely played a role in shaping her behavior, and now she’s trying to fill the void by sleeping with as many strangers as possible and leaving a trail of emotional destruction. But who am I to fix that?
Her ex was an abusive alcoholic, and she spent YEARS trying to fix him. Look where that got her. A mess.

And the crazy thing is, what attracts you to want to “save” them is that you can see the good inside. You know they’re capable of being a good person. But the truth is, the void inside them is too big for you to fix. Sometimes, love just isn’t enough.

11. If “it smells really bad”, ask questions

You know what, if something is extremely fishy and smells extremely bad, even if it’s not your type of thing, start asking questions, not necessarily about her, but about “her cousin”, the weird guy who says he’s “just her friend”. You don’t have to be a creep, just ask questions, be curious if something doesn’t smell right, look stuff up on the internet if you know what I mean.

Believe me, if I did that from the beginning, I could have avoided months, MONTHS, of pain and suffering, and that’s just with a little curiosity and literally, literally would have found out in 2min in my case, if you know how to search and who to ask.

12. Cheating

Once he/she cheats on you, the relationship is toasted, you can’t go back, every second and even after 10 years if he/she does something out of the ordinary your mind will start racing, you’ll start being paranoid all the time, you’ll go crazy. “He said he went out just to buy some bread but 2 hours passed.”

13. Don’t make a woman the center pillar of your life, she is just a compliment of your life.

Your mission in life should always come first, and she fell in love with the man who’s driven by that mission. Don’t let her down by losing sight of it.

Edit: One of the reasons to prioritize your mission is to avoid putting all the pressure on her to be responsible for your happiness. When she becomes the source of everything, your fulfillment, your joy, it’s a dangerous position. It’s a strange and unhealthy feeling to realize that if you leave, your partner would be completely destroyed and unable to function. That’s when you’ve lost your individuality.

At the same time, it’s crucial to keep your own identity intact. You don’t want your life to collapse if one element, like your relationship, is removed. But more importantly, it’s not about the mission itself, it’s about who you make yourself through that pursuit. A woman appreciates a man who’s determined, motivated, and hungry for something in life, whatever that may be. Why? Because the alternative is coming home, unmotivated, unhappy, and expecting your woman to fix all of it for you. Good luck with that formula.

Your mission is there to make you a better version of yourself, so when you come home, you’re coming to share your happiness and success, to give, not to take.

I have made the mistakes to varying degrees, I admit there are many generalizations and I remain open to suggestions. If you’ve been through something similar, feel free to add your own lessons. Still learning, still healing.