I (25M) I’ve been seeing this girl (25F). I noticed that my self worth and what I think I about myself is tied to how she treats me. What can I do to validate myself so I don’t feel different based on them? How do I self soothe? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Comments
Learn how to love yourself.
Bust a nut before you see her. I’m telling you bro, all validation seeking will go out the window when you do that.
i found that if you pick something difficult you’ve always admired in others – playing jazz piano, lifting double bodyweight, coding a full-stack app- and commit to it with religious intensity it helps build internal validation. competence gives you proof: i can do hard things. each small win rewires your brain to respect yourself, not her reactions. you stop chasing praise and start chasing mastery. that shift is the root of self-validation.
Try Ho’oponopono meditation. I find I do this because my mother lacked the emotional capacity to validate my feelings as a kid. I tie my self worth to what people think of me, primarily women. The key is to start validating yourself. Give your self love, prove those bad thoughts wrong by catching them and presenting reasons why it’s not true.
It’s not a one time deal. This will take time and consistency to change your thought patterns
I felt this way and after a ton of thinking I realized she was manipulating me. Watch out for that and be careful not to take everything as true.
Look deep at your past. At your childhood. What was the environment like? What did you have to do in order to gain the love and attention of the people you grew up with?
Once you get an idea of that, it can explain a lot of behavior later on in life.
Look within and then arm yourself with knowledge.
And to self soothe? Be very aware of your habits, and remind yourself you are worthy of love and attention from anybody. Comfort yourself!
I’ve had this problem, as have many other men. You’re placing her opinion of yourself above your own. You can move past this by living a life you’re proud of and one that garners self-respect. I would advise —
-discovering and establishing core values
-weaning and killing off any habit or activity that’s harmful to you
-seeing more girls (this will help remove the infatuation you’re feeling for her)
Build self-worth through your own actions by hitting your goals and doing things that make you proud
try to expand your friend circle. you give a lot of importance to a single person when you don’t have many other people whose opinions and actions matter to you, so you project all your self worth into the validation of just one. go out, make friends (of any gender), get a lot of important people in your life. not just friends your age, listen to people older than you, try to learn a bit from everybody. then you’ll discover the world doesn’t end in the person you’re fixated on at the moment.
Get self-validation.
Find something that lights you up, interests you, excites you, piques your curiosity, etc.
In this field, set a goal (make it something that you could reach with 90% certainty). Work towards it, get it, and set another one.
(In case you’re interested, this is the Competence need as described by Self-determination Theory, SDT)
Spread your support network.
Spend time with other, existing friends, or join a new group / club / organisation. (This is the Relatedness need as described by SDT).
YOU NEVER GET A SECOND CHANCE TO MAKE THE FIRST IMPRESSION
Stop being INSECURE. Where is your self confidence at 25?.
Even a 18 yr old out of high school with 12th Diploma knows he is effective efficient productive mature youth ready to enter Adult world
Its been 7 yrs since you entered adulthood indicating your foundation is still not solid it appears by reading your post
Do you know who you are? Do you know the purpose of your life?
Whether you are choosing a girl or a job you are creating an impression without talking much, your demeanor, your words/tone/choice gestures are all subtle communication traits that will propel you to the epitome
LET YOUR PRESCENCE TURN HEADS
I’ve been asking and having the same issue and I apply some self therapy on myself such as telling myself that I am worth and whole, I am enough and I don’t need any validations from other people and so on. Which really helps in some ways.
It needs to start with you, stop negative self talk and replace it with self affirmations bro. I know that getting validation from a person especially the opposite sex you are attracted to is chef’s kiss but your own validation should amount more than that. Turn to your family and close friends next if that is available. Just practice talking to yourself more, it doesnt make you crazy but you can always keep it in your head when out in public if you want.
Master a skill. Get some hobbies you can get better at (Lifting, fishing, sports, etc.). Or get better at your career. Don’t listen to that “learn how to love yourself” bs. Work on achieving something you can be proud of so you don’t have to force yourself to “love yourself”
Understand your worth isn’t tied to anything outside of you. It’s not tied to how much money you have, how others treat you, or anything else. Your worth is determined by YOU. Your worth is tied to your very own existence. Start loving yourself more and realize that YOU are worthy, just by yourself.
Don’t ask me. I seek validation too
Mediation, exercise, hobbies you enjoy, just good mental health is what I see some people putting
Dude, you don’t need validation from anybody. Be you and if that’s not enough for them, then fuck em’.
Build up your sense of self. Learn more about yourself, explore hobbies, help others when you have the capacity to (like volunteering), build up your support system and have a network of friends. With enough work, the goal is to naturally gain the mindset of “I know who I am, I know what I want, and I know what I deserve”.
Positive affirmations may also help, I recommend the app called I AM. Build up your standards, your boundaries. Understand your boundaries are to control yourself, they’re rules for yourself to know when YOU walk away if someone doesn’t have the capacity to treat you in the way you ask (and of course being able to communicate your needs & boundaries is an important skill).
And remember, the impact of someone’s actions matters more than their intentions when it comes down to navigating relationships. Good intentions does not justify harmful behavior. Same goes for us, the impact we have on others matters more than our intentions, understanding this can help with taking accountability for how we treat others, and even ourselves.
Connection, acceptance, a sense of community are basic human needs. We’re genetically wired to seek this out and there’s no shame in needing it. But it’s awesome you’re recognizing some unhealthy behaviors of yours that aren’t good for you. That’s a great first step towards becoming the version of you that you deserve!
Look into intermittent reinforcement. Our nervous system becomes literally addicted to people or things when we don’t know when to expect the “reward”. The ups & downs, unpredictable hurtful behavior. The buzzword for this is “trauma bonding”.
Get other girlfriends. They will give you a healthier perspective.
learn to love, trust, and accept yourself. you can start doing this by dedicating some time every day to yourself without distractions from any social media or external socialization whatsoever. journaling, or talk to yourself inside or outside your head, or make video diaries. bully yourself, then challenge your inner bully. this is how you learn to treat yourself with respect.
this takes a lot of time, but you will eventually get to a place where you genuinely cannot be hurt, offended, or made to feel inferior by someone else without your willingness or consent. self-confidence is not the same as cockiness. self-confidence is grounded, and it is founded in values like love, acceptance, and trust in YOURSELF.
Set goals for yourself, work towards them and don’t stop until you accomplish them. Find what makes you happy, love yourself
Idk? You’re pretty much screwed. As a man you want your girl to be happy but they will never be happy. Best you can do is pick things that you enjoy and things that you can make progress in and focus on that. That way no matter who is in your life you can always have something that is more important than your basic wants. Your purpose is very important as a man
Was in a similar situation once, it wasn’t Pleasant (actually terrible) an it turned out I was being emotionally abused by her sounds like you are in the same kinda situation get out for your own well being. Dont continue to suffer till you end up at the mental health clinic an psychologists.
Focus on “yourself”, please “yourself”, accept that women’s opinion don’t matter. Actually, whethere it’s a man or woman, no opinion should matter unless you allow. You have the capability, sir, to allow what you want to get into your life, your mind, and everything. Build walls from people who make you question your worth, they don’t deserve a single bit of your presence.
This is a question a therapist can most certainly help the most with my brother
Female here and gradually learning to separate my self worth from the validation I crave from men. Detach yourself from the idea that someone is going to give you what you need. You’re a complete being with or without her and you may rely on her validation at times but they’re YOUR feelings at the end of the day. You have to remind yourself that you are enough and the need for someone else to measure your worth is a disservice to that belief. It’s a long process to reframe your thoughts but you’ll feel more secure in yourself. I find doing shadow work helps me self soothe bc it fosters self-awareness and i usually feel more appreciative of myself at the end :))
Be authentic. Action wise avoid at all times to push your own boundaries and valies aside to please a woman. Due to fear of losing her. This doesn’t mean be angry at her but be firm in your stance and if she pushes again and again, stand your ground.
There are times to compromise but it must be done from a healthy perspective not due to fear of losing anything from her.
If still your boundaries/values not respecting, she’s trying to push again, time to let the woman go.
Self Internal development. Another person should never complete your life. That person needs to compliment your life. So focus on bettering yourself, your life, your lifestyle, your health, your grooming, your specialised skills, your career, your portfolio.
That way you derive more validation from what you create and build in the world. The results speak for themselves.
The reality is that if you hetero, you will always try to please beautiful women.
Evolution has built you to enjoy getting validation from beautiful women. There are few things in life that are as pleasurable.
Trying to burn that out of your psyche will damage you.
If you want to avoid overdoing it, then make sure you’ve other things going on in your life.
Also, build yourself up. Become the kind of man that the kind of women you like want to be seeking validation from.
I had that too! I quit dating completely for like half a year and stuck to it. No tinder, no talking stages, no flirts, no kisses, nothing. It cured me because during that time, I figured out how to live with no outside validation, and had time to focus on Myself and reflect a lot. I found out more of who I am, in a sense. Journaled a lot, took myself on dates, focused on career and hobbies, saw friends. I swear this cured me and when I started dating again after that, suddenly I found my now boyfriend who is the best in the world. But I don’t need his validation, I needed my own first.
You probably care more about her then you care about yourself.
You value her so much that everything she says affects you and makes the way you feel.
I had a same thing with a crush and because i had low self esteem.
When she didn’t respond to me well i took it personally and then also became in a bad mood but actually it was because she had her own personal issues.
The way to get past it is to remind yourself you are two different entities. You are not tied to herz whether she is there or not, you will always be you.
The way you want her to treat you and say nice things to you, do those things and say those things to yourself. You deserve it.
What advice would you give to a friend in this situation?
See, a lot of times, we care more about others than we care about ourselves. Sometimes, we treat our pets better than we treat ourselves.
Fall in love with yourself
I would really recommend you read The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden. It is a book I have read a couple times and I will probably go through it again soon. I usually put it on audiobook and listen to it while doing other things.
The premise of the book that really helped me is understanding that your self-esteem is not just some random feeling. It is actually built through two main things. First is the respect you show yourself through your actions. Second is the proof you give yourself that you are effective and capable in your life. Branden explains it way better, but that foundation was huge for me.
He also has exercises throughout the book that are simple but powerful. They are worth revisiting every once in a while because they actually push you to practice self-esteem, not just think about it. One thing I learned about five years ago is that you really only absorb about eight percent of a book the first time you read it. So revisiting the same books over time is super important, and honestly, really helpful.
The other advice about building skills and accomplishments is good too, because it helps prove to yourself that you are capable. But I would say if you are serious about untangling your self-worth from how someone else treats you, starting with Six Pillars would be a really solid move. It changed a lot for me.
Therapy to work on self-esteem 👍
Heal the Mother wound.
Work on your self-esteem! I (late 30sF) use a workbook and most of it seems relevant to me. I’ve done self-esteem affirmations for 3.5 weeks so far, amongst other things, and I’ve noticed a difference in my confidence, and even others have too! i used to pit my validation on my crushes, and it’s really not healthy. Also I notice I’m much more internally validating now, and my taste in partners has changed. Why? Because I’m in tune with my values…and I find others who match me, not me trying to fit their mold.
Something that helped me not seek validation from women is knowing that I had the option to date different women. This took a lot of work over the years since we live in such an instagram/looks based society now. Most women 20-30 years old want a “hot” guy they can somehow tame. They will make the average looking guy jump through a bunch of hoops tho.
Always lift, be lean and never get too comfortable in a relationship and get fat. I’m ready for the downvotes.
You have given her power over how you feel, you believe that she is better than you or perhaps that you dont deserve her at least IMO, essentially its a form of people pleasing and its not a healthy way to live
Dont validate yourself, just dont care enough about the validation of others
Therapy
I’ve gone through these comments and nothing from this helped me.
Find something you want to do. Observe what you admire in others. Those are qualities you want in yourself. Prioritise your life. You may fail a fw times but if you’re patient with yourself when you do and resolve to try again, eventually you’ll begin to prioritise your own thinking.
Just know it’s gone out of balance if it tilts towards bitter feelings for others.
Work on yourself until you get the confidence. I am sure you know what parts of your life need fixing. Once you are confident with yourself you will not even bother to care what others think because you will know yourself what you have been through and what you deserve. In short work on your body, health, finances, character, etc. until you are satisfied!