Hello all, new to the group, seeking advice from my fellow femmes. Genuine question here, as the title says.
I’ve seen similar questions be asked in other communities but I’m looking for some advice. Recently I’ve realized just how long I’ve been “waiting” to start my life, for the right man to come along and for the pieces to click and for everything to come together. I’m only 26 but so many women I know friends and colleagues are all getting married and having kids, it’s typical for me to feel jealous or like I’m falling behind I suppose.
I guess I do, and I don’t. I know I’m very young, I am finishing my college next month, I’m starting into a career that I’m crazy about, I have more friends and hobbies now than I ever have, but I’ve always wanted to know true love, and especially to have the effort that I put into relationships be returned. I’ve been actively dating since I was 16 years old and I truly feel like I’ve grown and learned so much about myself and what I want. However, I just don’t see men putting in the same effort, more than that, all they seem to want is free sex, no matter how upfront I am about my intentions. They’ll lie to get into my pants, and then men tell me the reason why guys just want sex from me and not a relationship is because it’s somehow my fault for not being entertaining or interesting enough, not putting out enough, insert whatever useless anecdote Chad has to offer.
I’m realizing it’s a zero sum game and I don’t want to play anymore, but a part of me still deeply desires the storybook love that I was always told about growing up. I just can’t see something like that existing in the world we live in today, I have a hard time believing that men truly care for me beyond using me as a fleshlight, and I guess I’m just sad about it. I write this at 2 AM with some tears in my eyes as I’ve been thinking about this a lot today. Thank you for reading and I appreciate any insight anyone might have.
Comments
I realized life is going to go by, with a man or not, so I better start living.
Of course, there are good men out there, but I am not going to hold my breath or wait to start living until I have a partner. I need to live now.
They key is to treat "seeking a long-term partner" as a part-time hobby.
You cannot control if you’ll meet someone, but you can consistently put yourself out there, and you can be ready to build something if/when you meet them.
For me, it meant meeting someone new at least once every two weeks (either go on a date, or go to an event where I met strangers and mingled).
> However, I just don’t see men putting in the same effort, more than that, all they seem to want is free sex,
There are a huuuge number of "forever casual daters" out there. They crowd the apps by using them consistently for years (and paying for premium). The thing is: because of their experience, their profile is better, their smooth talking is better, their manners are better… Than the average Joe.
You had ZERO chance to lock on of these guys down. Even Meghan Fox would have failed unless she kept bringing them to fabulous events and dazzling them. Otherwise they’d quickly go back to the casual dating.
> I have a hard time believing that men truly care for me beyond using me as a fleshlight
As you approach 30, you’ll find that the good guys have had a long-term relationship that was stable and helped them grow. It’s a green flag if the main ex is a solid woman! Them having several short relationships is also ok IF they invested into them and the women are solid women.
They show care and anticipate problems in relations. They worry not only for their friends but for the acquaintances and strangers. They put in effort to build and deepen relationships with the people in their lives.
The dating profile is dorky and unbalanced. But when you talk to them, they invest in the conversation (full sentences, anecdotes, share their personality, ask thoughtful questions, riff off of your comments).
If you ask them about the future, they deeply thought about how to make it work (not just "we’ll see when the kids arrive!")
I just don’t put any particular effort into trying to meet someone and live my life. Open to meeting someone but it’s not something I actively pursue or think about. It’s not a conscious choice to decentre men, I just don’t enjoy the process of dating and trying to meet someone – I just can’t be bothered with it. There are better ways to spend my free tjme.
I have never centralized men in my life; I am happy with myself and what I’ve done for my life and frankly I don’t "need" a man because I can do everything and have done everything for myself by myself. I teach the same to my kids — do your life, do you, be self sufficient and if a person wants to join you on your life’s journey, GREAT! but dont pause or change your journey for anyone.
have your healthy boundaries and stick to them. If they start going on about gross things like you mentioned above, bye; dont even let them get past the front door. I’ve dated men who seemed great in the beginning but once I got to know them they turned out to be gross and I dumped the moment I got wind of that. Aint nobody got time for that bullshit. Your standards and independence are what will attract the right partner among a sea of losers. Just keep building happiness in your life.
You don’t need to wait for your life to start, because your life is now, with all its shittiness and imperfections, it belongs to you.
Many people find that things don’t necessarily feel like they’ve fallen into place once they have all the things you’re supposed to have. What movies don’t show you is that after the happily-ever-after, life is full of illnesses and money problems and family problems. That sounds scary, but I don’t want to put you off! It’s more that society sells us this illusion that everything will be perfect once we have all this stuff and then we will be complete, but that’s not how life works at all.
But fuck these dudes who treat you shitty. I don’t like that at all. I bet you’re beautiful and full of life, and anyone who fucks with that is an idiot.