Am I (20 F) wrong for never wanting my brothers (22 M) gfs (20 F) to step foot in my house ever again. She said she was going to beat me up and lied about what I said to her to get people on her side, I messaged my brother about it and he’s taking her side.
My brother and his gf have been dating for a year, they started dating after a week of knowing each other and moving in with each other after a month. Back then I told my brother to be careful because that’s a really big red flag, he’s never done this before with an ex girlfriend so I know it wasn’t his doing. I’ve been in toxic relationships and I’ve been love bombed before so i figured she was doing that too him.
He reassured me that it’s not like that and blah blah blah. His gf then looked through his phone saw that I told him she’s displaying red flag behaviour and she thought I hated her. She has (BPD) btw, this is relevant. She wanted to call me and make sure we were cool, which I thought was strange because I didn’t even know her and the things I said didn’t have anything to do with who she is, just my concerns. I just knew she jumped into a relationship super fast with my brother which is a red flag.
I’ve been in a narcissistic relationship and a toxic one in the past, so I know what to look out for, so that’s why I messaged him.
Anyways, me and his gf end up calling on the phone and I’m asking her why she made my brother block my best friend on all social media, my best friend has been apart of our family for 15 years, so this was very strange of my brother to block my best friend, so I knew it was his gf that did. I also told her my concerns but they were right, at the end of the day it’s not my relationship.
So i apologized for making her feel like I hated her but I didn’t apologize for what I said, because I still stand by that. Me, my mom (47 F) my dad (46 M) and my little sister (17 F) all agreed at the time that this was red flag behaviour and we all warned my brother. Keep in mind this is a year ago that this happened.
Afterwards I met his gf, she seemed nice so I decided to put my thoughts behind me and give her the benefit of the doubt. Everything was fine for a while until my mom told me that his gf refused to work while my brother was struggling to pay their bills, she wasn’t paying for anything and told my brother, I cook and clean and you pay the bills, but she wasn’t even cooking or cleaning. So that made me mad and at that same time I saw her post on Facebook a lot of stuff about domestic abuse, bad boyfriends and all of that, I took it that she was talking about my brother, so I screenshot it, and sent it to my brother and ask him what that was about, and if she was talking about him. He said it wasn’t about him and about her ex. So that was my bad this is relevant for later.
Time goes on again and I decided I should try and build a relationship with his gf, I still had a bad feeling about her, but maybe that was me being paranoid because my brother has had horrible girlfriends in the past. We went out to the bar and had a great time, a couple weeks later we went out again and had a great time. So now I’m not feeling any type of way about her, I thought I was just being paranoid.
Until my mom’s surprise birthday party, they have been dating for 5 months now. A couple days after my mom birthday party, my mom tells me things my brother told her. He sent my mom pictures of his and his gfs apartment trashed. My mom confused asked what happened and my brother said that his gf freaked out and started screaming and throwing things and breaking stuff. My mom immediately upset called him, he then told my mom him and his gf were laying on the bed, and his gf kicked him in the face, he got very upset and told her if you ever touch me again like that we’re done. My mom was absolutely heartbroken, not wanting my brother to be going through any of that.
My mom told him that all of us will go to their apartment and pack all her shit up and bring her back to her mom’s house. You’d think he would break up with her after that, but no. He stayed with her. A couple days later my brother tells my mom that his gf is demanding promise rings, my brother told my mom he didn’t want to do that because he doesn’t see their relationship going very far. My mom was relieved obviously, as their relationship is starting to look very toxic and abusive on her part.
I didn’t end up messaging anyone about that, because it’s not my business, at least I was trying to make it not my business. I decided to hangout with her again, we were out at the bar and I couldn’t hold it, and asked her about the situation. She tried to defend herself, and blamed everything on her mental illness, and apparently my brother was doing something on his phone, and that’s why she freaked out. I did not feel like telling her she was wrong and I left it at that.
Time goes on again and we haven’t hung out in a while, that was really my doing because I still felt iffy about her. Now fast forward to a little over a week ago, my brothers gf had plans for her birthday to go to a festival with her friends, the plan was for her friends to pick her up, because she doesn’t have a car.
What ended up happening was her friends had an emergency come up with their family so she had to go alone, and had no ride. My brother was texting my mom about it and he told my mom he had to drive her out there now, and pick her up, which is kinda a pain but whatever, my mom said ffs and said that really sucks, that her friends couldn’t make it. Fast forward 3 days later it’s my brothers birthday, their birthdays are close together.
We just had a little dinner for my brother, including me, my boyfriend, my sister, her boyfriend, my mom, my dad and my brothers gf. His gf didn’t end up coming, and my brother said it was because she was hung over. We eat dinner and my brother and my mom go out to smoke. My brother looking very uncomfortable, and my mom catching it asked what was wrong, my brother then said “my gf is demanding an apology from you, she says you disrespected her” my mom extremely confused asked why she felt that way, she didn’t say it like that, she was fuming but you get the point.
My brother said that she had went through him and my moms text messages, and thought that my mom was disrespectful to her because the night before my mom said ffs, she took it like my mom thought she was being an inconvenience to my brother having to drive her out there, but my mom meant it like ffs her friends ditched her. So his gf completely misunderstood what my mom said, and went through her bfs and his mom’s messages?!? Crazy. My mom told my brother so tell his gf she’s not getting an apology because that’s ridiculous, she sweared a lot but I don’t know if i can do that here, but she was mad.
So my brother lied about why she didn’t come to dinner, and it wasn’t because she was hungover, it was because she felt uncomfortable to come here, because she thought my mom disrespected her. Which didn’t happen. My mom still being the angel she is, gave my brother a gift for his gf for her birthday that was a couple days ago. And my dad made her a steak dinner plate, my brother went home and gave all of that to her. Days go on, and she did not text my parents saying thank you for anything.
And she was still expecting an apology from my mom, but she wasn’t getting that. My parents aren’t happy with her now, I hear my parents talking about it down stairs so I go and sit down with them. My parents are ranting about my brothers gf, saying she’s ungrateful, she’s not right for my brother, and they wish he would break up with her, keep in mind there is a lot more I’m not touching on, and I completely agree with what their saying.
My dad starts crying, balling because he’s scared we will lose him due to his gf, and my mom’s yelling. So as my brothers gf still hasn’t messaged my parents talking about the situation, i decided to message her. She had been asking to hangout and I kept making up excuses, because I felt awkward about it, because the whole situation wasn’t resolved. I also noticed that I couldn’t see her instagram story, but my boyfriend could. So I asked my friend if she could see her story and she said no, so she blocked me and my best friend from seeing her story but not my bf. I thought it was strange, I was trying not to jump to conclusions so I started out by messaging her about that, saying why you have me and my best friend blocked, but not my bf.
She then said it was because a year ago, i screenshoted something she posted and sent it to my brother, this was the thing about her posting stuff about domestic abuse and bad boyfriends. I thought she blocked me recently, but she said she forgot, so whatever, I’m not even mad about that. Then I get to it, I tell her, hey my parents aren’t super happy, maybe you should shoot them a text so all can be better. I said a lot more than that, but keep in mind I was super friendly about it.
I would share what I said but it’s long, I’m sure you get the point, but she freaked out and said “I’m tired of being the villain, wtf is going on” so I explained more, but I assumed my brother had told her how my parents were feeling. Apparently not tho. I told her this can all be resolved with a conversation, and reassured her she’s not the villain and we can totally hangout after you talk to my parents. But she has BPD which means it’s totally ok for her to start screaming and taking everything I said the wrong way. Im at home when I texted her this, and she’s at her apartment, according to my sister, after i messaged her, she started screaming at my brother.
Now this is at their apartment, my brother lives there, she lives there and my sisters boyfriend lives there. My sister and her boyfriend hear her screaming and freaking out on my brother, not yelling but screaming. My sister upset, texted her saying don’t talk to my brother like that. She comes barging in my sisters boyfriends room, and starts screaming at my little sister, then she starts calling me a b*itch over and over again, saying all sorts of stuff about me, saying she would kick my ass if I wasn’t my brothers sister. Yeah, absolutely speechless.
She’s still crashing out at my sister, my sister then starts sticking up for herself screaming back and then my brother comes in the room and starts screaming at my sister. He’s never done this before, all my life I’ve known my brother he’s never screamed in anyone’s face, learned behaviour from his crazy gf. My sister then starts crying and my brother and his gf leave the room. My sister has been crying for an hour now, so my brother comes in the room and apologized. The next day, after everyone calmed down. My brothers gf starts to lie to everyone about what I said in the text messages, completely lying!!!! Saying that she freaked out last night because of what I said, KEEP IN MIND, All I TOLD HER WAS TO MESSAGE MY PARENTS.
She saying that I said I never wanted to hangout with her again, saying she was a bitch, telling them I was super rude to her, and much more. Everyone believing her, because why would she lie about that right? She then starts talking badly about my relationship, trying to get my sister to talk about my relationship to her. My relationship is about perfect, my boyfriend is the sweetest person alive, he has really bad social anxiety and is very quiet around people he doesn’t know. Me and him have been together for over a year.
My sister defending my relationship because my brothers gf started saying, that I probably treat my bf like shit, she feels bad for him, and he’s probably quiet because of the way I treat him. My sister defending me saying that no, that’s not true, and that me and my boyfriend’s relationship is very good and healthy.
She still continues to lie about what I said to make me seem like a bad person I guess? I have no idea why she would be lying about what I said, and she still calling me names and such. This was all 2 days ago, my sister tells me all of this lastnight, me, my sister, her bf, my mom and dad are all sitting in the living, my sister telling everyone what happened. I then read out to everyone me and my brothers gfs text messages because how the world can she lie about what I said when there’s proof.
My sister and her bf looked really shocked after I finished reading and said that’s not what she told them. Now I’m fuming, I told my parents she isn’t welcomed here anymore, and me and my sister have blocked her on everything. My brother has also blocked me and my sister on everything, or should I say she made him block us. My parents are wanting to resolve the situation still, because there are extremely scared of losing my brother, they think she will make him cut off his family if we openly hate her, which we all do.
All of us are scared now that my brother won’t see he’s getting emotionally and mentally abused. I messaged my brother and he just kept defending her, and blaming everything she said about me on her mental illness. It’s the next day now, and I thought I would have calmed down, but I still feel the same way. Am I wrong for not wanting her here? Should I pretend everything is alright? Should I enable her behaviour so my parents don’t lose their son? Or do I fight for what’s right. Am I supposed to pretend she’s a great person? My parents are telling me to calm down and that she may be aloud over here, but how do I convince them to not let her come here. It’s my house too, and she said all of those things about me, and she’s abusing their son. I don’t know what to do help me.
Comments
Never heard of a paragraph?
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Can’t read all of this. Tried.
Based on the title, duh. Of course you’re NTA for actively avoiding psychotic people.
And your brother is really mentally deficient for staying another 5 minutes with this person. He already knows he “doesn’t see their relationship going very far”. Why is he still in it?
This is an unreadable block of text. You need to go back in an edit for paragraphs
What you need is the “ENTER” key. It has an arrow on it. Hit it every 4th line or so.
Call the police whenever she hits him.
Call the police when she sends you threats.
Tell the police that she is bipolar and you are afraid.
Where are her parents in all of this?
Document all the shit she does in case she turns this around and makes your brother the abuser.
Tell your brother that you love him, but her being Bipolar doesn’t allow her to treat you all like shit and abuse him. Tell him you will always be there for him, but you want nothing to do with her.
Edit: Grammar
Paragraphs are your friend
Went straight to the bottom looking for the TLDR. Sigh**
From the brief skimming I did:
Dunno what else to say and I’m so not reading that run on essay lol
your life will be better if you go no contact with toxic people
He is an adult. Y can do nothing, like nothing at all. Just let him know that you are there for him, and keep no contact until he messages you again. She wants to isolate him, and whatever you do will be wrong.
Nodboy is reading this shit. Break it down into paragraphs if you want interaction.
NTA. But you honestly can’t do anything about any of this. Your brother is an adult, he has to make the choice to leave this woman, you can’t force him to face up to what she is and the abuse she’s putting him through. Especially since he’s a man and she’s a woman, men still aren’t believed about these things as much as women are. All you can do is ell him you’re there for him when he’s ready and document all contact and incidents so you have proof that she’s the abuser when she inevitably accuses him.
As for her being allowed at the house, not your call there, either, I’m afraid. Yes, you live there, but it’s your parents house. If they want to keep this woman in their lives, allowing her in the house, to maintain contact with their son, they can. You really get no say unless they give you one, and it seems like they aren’t listening to you on this.
The only way you can guarantee she isn’t allowed in your home is to move out of your parents place. Then it will be entirely up to you if you see her or not. You’re an adult, so you can move out, though I don’t know your financial situation, so I don’t know if you can afford your own place or a roommate situation. Though maybe you can get together with your sister and her bf, as well as your own bf, and see what you can afford together. At the least, maybe you and sister’s bf could get a place together if neither you or your sister are ready to move in with your partners yet. This would have the added benefit of getting sister’s bf out of your brother’s place, making him and your sister much safer, even if not your brother.
Tell your brother you’ll be there when he’s ready and needs you, and document everything. Look into the possibility of moving out of your parents place. That’s really all you can do right now. Hopefully your brother will get out on his own sooner rather than later, preferably before marriage and kids are involved. It seems like he’s putting up with all this because of her BPD diagnosis. He needs to realise that isn’t an excuse for her behaviour and that it’s not his responsibility to stay with her because she happens to have a mental illness.
There’s nothing you can do. You can be supportive to your brother when he comes to his senses but he’s got to get the point where he wants to leave her. The entire world can tell him to leave her but until he’s ready it won’t matter. Stay out of it for now and just hope he wises up sooner than later.
Give us a TLDR. There’s way too much irrelevant and emotional bullshit in here. You seem like a drama queen.
Keep every text, picture, email, messages, video for proof. Honestly I’d share everything with EVERYONE. Call the police as much as possible and get an attorney
NTA! Better than me tho 😂 you gon beat who? 😂😂😂
One of my psych professors said, as an introduction to borderline personality disorder, “if you learn a person has BPD, run – don’t walk – in the other direction.” It’s not necessarily fair to tar all people with BPD with the same brush, but… if you want to strive toward as peaceful a life as you can manage, as far as advice goes, it’s not the worst.
Re your next steps: there’s nothing you can do. Let your brother know you love him and will always be there for him, but you can’t have contact with the gf because you feel unsafe around her and don’t want to risk anything escalating.
The rest of your family will have to negotiate their own truces with him.
You have to stop getting involved. If your brother is choosing to deepen the dysfunctional codependence he has with her, there’s nothing you can do besides letting him know you’re always there for him. Anything else will just drive him toward her even more.
Your brother sounds like a pathetic loser. Block him and her and move on with your life.
Tell your brother to find out for himself what the warning signs of abuse are so that he can decide if he should stay or not. Most people in abusive situations it takes them at least 3 times to leave. Here’s what the signs of emotional abuse are, which is where it starts before it hits the physical abuse stage.
If he’s had abusive gf before, he’s too used to that behavior as normal and someone/something that is not you or your family providing national statistics would be more effective than pressure from you. This is from the domestic violence hotline, which can provide him resources on how to get out and even a person to talk to if he needs it. At least one family member should leave the door open for contact so that if things get worse he will feel like he has someone who cares about him to help him flee.
https://www.thehotline.org/resources/what-is-emotional-abuse/
people need to relax on the unnecessary and rude comments about how it’s written. it’s definitely readable. if it bothers you so much just don’t read and no need to comment about it. it’s the last thing on her mind.
I understand your frustration, but this is your brothers relationship at the end of the day. You shouldn’t have involved yourself and let your brother learn on hos own. No it’s not right for her to lie and manipulate, but he is going to have to learn this all on his own. If I were you I would just keep your distance from her.
Shut up with this shit already.