(This is a shortened version of the story but if u want the entire long ass story u can find my post on r/AITAH and its like 20,000 characters lmao)
Pretty much my now ex (trans guy ftm) dumped me the day after my birthday because the day before my birthday he saw messages on my phone of me saying “I didn’t see it as a fully gay” and “I still kind of saw him in a feminine way”. But the messages were all within the first 3-4 days of him following me and 2 weeks before we even met in person for the first time and later in those same messages when the Mutual Friend I met my ex through was getting mad at me for saying those things I told her “I dont mean to come across as rude or disrespectful when I say those things I just am genuinely confused and the way only way I word it is very blunt and comes across rude”.
Along with that while my ex is a trans guy he hasn’t had any surgeries or hormones (which I completely understand as we were still seniors in high school and in Florida so you can really get that stuff under 18). But along with having no surgeries my ex would also cosplay a lot and sometimes still present very feminine (I would say his instagram is like a 50/30/20 split of 50% being extremely feminine cosplays, 30% being emo/grunge masculine outfits and the other 20% being not cosplay but still feminine like bikini posts and things like booty shorts or dresses.) Along with that I grew up in a fairly conservative household so while I have never harbored any hate or negative feelings towards the LGBTQ community I don’t have many gay friends and my ex was the first ever trans person I genuinely got to know.
My ex has bpd so the breakup was more of a discard as he acted like I never mattered to him and he became extremely cold and distant out of nowhere and along with that he had talked to all his friends and his mom about if he should breakup with me before even talking to me about it and even when he did talk to me he approached it with a “What do you have to say for yourself?” mindset and during the arguments afterwards he never once tried to understand my side and the one time I tried to defend myself on certain things he accused me of victimizing myself.
On one hand the messages without any context can very easily be seen as extremely rude and hurtful from his perspective and can easily make him view me as an asshole, but I also feel like he didn’t try and understand my side of it as he openly told me “there is nothing you could have said that would have changed my mind or decision” but if you had listened to all the context this would have never happened.
TLDR: I sent messages that were a bit ignorant at the time when I was confused about being attracted to a Trans guy and once we were dating he saw the messages and abruptly dumped me even though the messages were 4 months old (in title I put 3 but I meant 4) at that point and before we even met in person.
Comments
Hopefully your ex stays your ex, she sounds extremely ill. I don’t think you’re wrong, but I do think you dodged a giant psychotic missile lol
He wanted you to be a gay man. When you didn’t turn out to be a gay man he felt betrayed but he’s not going to attract a gay man while actively presenting himself as a female person which he does every time he puts on a female cosplay or wears a bikini or daisy dukes.
You weren’t wrong, you were just never compatible.
You don’t need to excuse anything you said in a private conversation before you got together. He shouldn’t be snooping, and frankly, he needs to grow thicker skin if something like that can detail him that quickly.
Sounds like you’re better off without them.
Trans guy who can pass as a woman despite 10+ years of testosterone here~ sounds like y’all are really young. It’s fair for your ex to feel hurt or betrayed by texts you sent months ago, and it’s fair for you to feel hurt by him not seeing the growth and change you’ve experienced.
Also, (mostly gay) men wear bikinis and feminine clothing or do feminine cosplay more than folks think, but no one is going to question the gender of a hairy beefcake in a bikini. 😅 It’s harder for your ex to still be perceived as masculine without surgeries or hrt, but that’s not his fault, just a problem he has to live with, especially in more conservative areas.
Are you wrong for what you said? Nah, but if I read something similar written by my partner who is a cisman, I would probably feel a little insecure and do a check-in with him if I felt like I needed the external validation. And hopefully you’ve learned how your reflections can land on some people. Not everyone will have the same reaction as your ex, but if you’re attracted to another trans person in the future, you’ll have a bit more experience (and tact) when externalizing how you perceive their appearance.