A couple weeks ago my mother called me out of the blue and asked if she could borrow my car for the following weekend. According to her rental cars were going to be around $500 for 4 days and she didnt want to have to pay that. She lives in another state and was going to fly to where I live in order to visit with her grandkids (not mine). This made me uneasy, as she has had a history of her cars getting scratched, dinged and dented. It’s never been her fault, it always happens in parking lots and she just has bad luck. /s
I was confused at the rental car price, looked at a well known rental service and saw that It was obtainable in my area for around $200, which made me think she never bothered to look in the first place. I however relented, as I had recently let my stepmother use my car after hers was wrecked due to icy conditions. I felt like blatantly saying no would create a rift in a sometimes shaky relationship. I did bring up the fact that rental cars were nowhere near the amount that she had thought, hoping that she would pick up on my hint, unfortunately she was not scooping up what I was laying down.
Fast forward this previous weekend, she picked up the car around lunch time on Friday, and then Saturday morning I received a call from her stating that my passenger side mirror had been smashed, according to her it had to have happened overnight at the hotel, but she is willing to pay to make it right. There’s a few holes in the story but this sub isn’t “is my mom lying”, so I won’t get into it.
After the phone call she sent many long winded texts telling me how terrible of.a son I am after everything she’s ever done for me and how I talked down to her like an idiot and that seeing as she has spent so much money on me over the years and how ungrateful I am that she won’t be sending a dime to help with repairs. Where I might be wrong is that during the phone call I told her that I should have put my foot down when it came to the rental cars, and also, when she was describing the possibility of what happened she mentioned that there were black men with dreads hanging out outside of the hotel, I guess as like a way to subtly point fingers idk, but I told her that their race doesnt matter so now she’s saying that I called her racist.
So ya, comunications have ceased as I have blocked her, I already ordered the new mirror for $500 and im just chalking it up a loss. But I keep having this nagging feeling that I shouldn’t have pointed out that I was right about the rental cars and that maybe I was wrong for posting out that the race of the men outside didnt matter. What do y’all think?
Comments
NTA.
Considering her history with cars, maybe she’s not allowed to rent them anymore. They share known offenders among themselves.
You live and you learn. That was a huge ask of her. I’d have someone drive me to go take my car back.
You were only wrong to allow someone who you know always has issues with cars use your car after lying about the cost of a rental car.
Pointing those things out was mostly a waste because I don’t believe she’s ever shown you a willingness to be accountable for her own actions.
Look up DARVO. She’s wrong and she knows it. She’s doing DARVO on you because it’s all she can come up with.
“Mom, you’re wrong and you know it. I will not talk to you until I receive a check for the mirror and an apology for blaming me instead of taking responsibility for the damage. Goodbye.”
Not wrong – well let’s start with yes, she’s a racist.
Now you know never to do her a favour again because she borrowed something, damaged it & came back with an extremely manipulative tactic to avoid paying.
Absolutely NOT wrong! And, frankly, since the “relationship is already rocky” I would send her a DEMAND letter for the $500 and threaten small claims Court. You have the texts! Your Mother is negligent in the least.
Not wrong. I wouldn’t let her borrow jack in the future.
I would have just paid for the rental car. After all, they did raise you for 18 years. I don’t like anyone using my stuff. I’m a neat freak and it always comes back dirty.
As my old pall used to say – There’s three things I don’t share in my life with anyone is: 1st – My wife, 2nd – My car and 3rd – My tobacco pipe.
YNW
My favorite part is her defense being: “you shouldn’t be mad I damaged a necessary part of your vehicle because I did the bare minimum legally required as a parent”.
Not wrong, but dang, it would have been cheaper if you had rented a car for her. It sounds suspiciously as if she did it on purpose.
Next time rent out a car but in her name. She breaks something, she’s responsible.
You’ve clearly established that your mother is a liar and a racist. Plus, you have justification for never loaning her a car ever again!
I think that’s worth $500.
I strongly suggest sending your mother a text explaining the above points. Seriously, do this, because it’s time you and she were honest about her character and your feelings.
Don’t loan cars to anyone. Lie to her and tell her you need it. If $500 is too much then she can Uber places or have the other kid pay.
Yes you should have stuck to your gut. And just told her you were not comfortable given her past. The Black Man with dreads part is maddening to me. So conditioned to give this description and guess what… everyone believes it. Does it give off racist… yes
Honestly if you wanted to help you should have just booked her a rental car w full insurance coverage. It would have saved you $300.
Her being a racist liar and getting blocked? Absolutely right choice.
Why didn’t she just Uber? An option for next time
You’re not wrong. Your Mom lied to you about rental cars in order to borrow your car, damaged it and lied to cover it up, is refusing to take accountability for any of the above, and is a blatant racist to boot.
NTA. Unless your insurance covers other drivers you really shouldn’t be loaning out your car. What if she had been in a serious accident? Her safety of course would be your main concern but, would your insurance cover it?
Call out the bigots when you can.
As for the other part, you essentially said, “I told you so.”
You were right, of course, but people (generally) don’t react well to hearing that. When playing the game for the ‘sake of your mother’ you gotta out-manipulate the manipulator. Think tactically.
However if you count it as a life lesson and cut her off you no longer have to play that game!
Best of luck.
Not wrong. She should go pound rocks
Not wrong.
And tbh – her mentioning Black guys with dreads IS TOTALLY racist. I’m guessing it was not only racist but a lie.
Total BS.
I personally would have setup a dash cam in the car before I let her use it.
Your mom is a twatwaffle. Seriously.
You need to learn how to say “No.”
You should have just said no and said you needed it yourself. No explanations are necessary if she questions further.
Mommy needs thuro
Stop being subtle. Say what you mean.
NW. For any of it except backing down and letting her take it.
You aren’t wrong for pointing out that she lied. She knew rentals weren’t that much.
I’d also tell her if she doesn’t pay up, you can take her to small claims court. The car was damaged on her watch.
I’d never lend her a thing again. Your shaky relationship is because of her.
Look, your mom is a pro at manipulating you so don’t join her in beating you up. She absolutely is a liar and a racist. She also doesn’t seem to like you very much.
I know this sounds harsh, but you need to go NC with her, for your own mental health. Yeah, she’s going to talk bad about you because nothing is ever her fault.
You can let other family members know, but just stick to a few facts, and that this is for your health. It sucks that your nephew is the one who will be the innocent victim, but maybe some kind of visitation can be arranged.
Bottom line- that lesson was $500, if you keep on this way, the next one may not be one you can afford.
YNW
File a civil suit for payment & make sure your family knows not to loan her anything
NTA She’s being manipulative. She’s probably been doing it your whole life so it seems normal to you. It’s not healthy and it’s OK to put your foot down if anything like this comes up again.
I say this over and over again when somebody asked you to do something for them and you don’t want to do it no is a whole sentence no explanation needed. You knew this was going to happen and that is exactly what happened. You are not wrong for not wanting to loan your mother your car. You are wrong for not telling her no😠.
If she has that type of past with cars, I would bet she actually can’t rent a car.
NTA. She has a history of gaslighting, lying and guilt-tripping you, hasn’t she?
You doubting yourself is a big clue that you’re trained over the years to behave this way.
Classic narcissist parent.
Only way to deal with those is grey rock and LC if you don’t want to fully cut them off, or full no contact
You didn’t mention your dad. Is he still around? Are they divorced? If so, ask him straight up why. The answer may confirm a lot about mom’s behaviour.
NOT WRONG
My dude, you described FIVE (likely) lies in this one episode. FIVE!
She looked at rental car prices (you know she didn’t)
She can’t get a rental bc they’re too expensive (sounds like she’s been banned from renting)
She doesn’t know how the damage happened (yes she does, bc she did it)
Wait yes she does know how the damage happened – hoodlums! Black hoodlums! (I doubt anyone was just hanging around the parking lot at all, much less to vandalize cars)
She is willing to pay for the damages (she outed herself on that lie.)
I’m not even gonna touch on her blatant racism…
This behavior is WILD. This is not normal. I don’t know what her defect is, but it’s a big one.
I’m hoping you can take a step back to see how egregious her lies & blame-shifting are. Then you can get a handle on the situation before you lose any more sleep – or money, or time – over it.
Genuine question OP, why do you maintain a relationship with her?
>that seeing as she has spent so much money on me over the years and how ungrateful I am that she won’t be sending a dime to help with repairs.
Does she mean the money she spent raising, feeding, and clothing you? As in, the things she was legally obligated to do after having created your without your permission? Like the thing she would have gone to prison for child neglect of she had failed to do?
Well, now that you’re clear on who she is, you have a decision to make. Every time after this that you let her borrow something, give her money, or let her treat you like shit, you will do so knowing who she is and what the result will be. Make this instance you wrote about be the last that she gets to hold the cost of your existence over your head. For what reason would you ever help her again?
Give the love you get. And friend, you’re getting swindled here.
You’re not the bad guy. It was completely reasonable not to want to lend your car, especially knowing her history and seeing how she exaggerated the rental cost. Pointing out that the race of the people she mentioned was irrelevant was also valid. She reacted poorly, played the victim, and broke something you tried to protect from the start. You don’t need to feel guilty.
Not wrong. Your mom has a history of damaged vehicles. Could be bad luck, or she’s a bad driver.
Either way,her response suggests it’s likely her fault – she got super defensive. She absolutely was hoping you’d point fingers at the 3 black males supposedly loitering around in the hotel parking lot. There’s a chance that it’s true- but I doubt it.
The rental fee she quoted could’ve been for a luxury midsize or something similar, which could explain the high price or it was bogus to begin with, and she was angling for sympathy.
Where you were wrong was when you went against your better judgement and loaned your mother your car.
As for her lies and unwillingness to accept responsibility there’s nothing wrong with standing up to her. She won’t like it because she’s a narcissist but that doesn’t mean you’re wrong.
NW
You were right in the first place, being reluctant to loan your car to your mother, knowing her history of having little things happen to cars she has. Insurance companies don’t like seeing a lot of little things on a driver, even if they are not that driver’s fault. Their reasoning is that there is something that driver does that puts the car at risk. Maybe not looking far enough ahead, maybe parking incorrectly, but something is wrong with how the car is being used to make it vulnerable to damage. (Not that insurance companies are always right, just that they usually know where their risks are higher.)
Is it possible your mother has to pay more for a rental than most people, because of her history with damaging cars? I’m thinking maybe her quote to you was pretty accurate, if the rental people were trying to cover their own risks in renting to her.
Certainly, never loan a vehicle to your mother again. She is certainly being careless with other people’s cars (maybe as well as her own), and doesn’t deserve to be loaned one.
Her backing out of paying you for your damaged mirror by saying you were a terrible son and she had spent so much money on you for years and years is just an excuse. You know she just doesn’t want to pay for the damage, and you are right to chalk it up to experience and learn from it. Her comment about the guys with dreads probably was racist, which she doesn’t want to admit, either.
Tell her either she fixes it or you report it stolen. How RUDE!
Wait, she came to visit the grandkids just not yours? And you still let her borrow the car?
Wow she is a piece of work. I’d never let her borrow anything ever again.