I (30f) struggle with PTSD due to childhood abuse and have struggled with emotional regulation. I go to therapy and take medication but it’s still hard. Before I had my son, whenever things would get really difficult and it felt like the walls were closing in, I’d sit in my closet and disassociate. It was really nice, just feeling like I wasn’t in my body, like I didn’t exist. Id I felt like my life was over I’d tell myself “if shit really hits the fan I can always just kill myself” and it felt nice having that as an escape plan. I never attempted suicide, but it was just a comforting thought to have as an exit strategy.
My husband and I have been together for a while. I was in a good place mentally when we decided to have our son, my life and my mind had felt stable for a while. Even the pregnancy was pretty smooth sailing, despite the hormones, me being off my meds bc it was bad for the baby, and my parent dying in the middle of it, I felt emotionally stable and secure.
My son is now 5 months and I feel like my mind is falling apart again. I have so many ruminating thoughts and it’s become obvious that I’m burdening people around me. I feel so lonely. I can’t disassociate anymore bc my son needs me, I can’t think about killing myself bc I know that’s not an option anymore. Id never do anything to hurt or abandon my son, my worst fear is becoming an abusive/neglectful parent like how mine were. So I push through. But it’s so hard. It’s so hard to hold my tears back while I’m feeding him, changing him, putting on a fake smile and playing with him. I constantly feel like I’m choking
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Hello. I’ve also gone through child abuse and have attempted around 5 times.
Pushing through does not work. Your home is your space if you feel like you need to breakdown, you should. Holding that in is going to hurt you, and ultimately your family.
The problem with antidepressants is that it’s a mood stabiliser. As much as it caps how low your mood drops, it also caps how good you can feel.
You’ve been in therapy, but I know that many people go to therapy for years, report their feelings and happenings but ultimately don’t prioritise whatever directions their therapist gives them.
For example, journaling. It’s super basic but almost no one actively journals.
You should prioritise your mental health above all else. If you need a cry and some ice cream after, go do that. The kid will be fine.
It’s also important to understand that severe trauma never really goes away. You need to actively learn and practice management and coping mechanisms.
And quite frankly, if you feel like you’re burdening the people around you, that’s fine. They love you and care for you and do not want you to suffer in silence.