Every year, I get emotional around my birthday — not because I’m afraid of aging, but because I put so much effort into everyone else’s birthdays (my kids, my husband, my family), and it never feels like it’s reciprocated. I go all out for them — thoughtful gifts, planning, celebrations — and when it’s my turn, I’m lucky if I even get a dinner that feels half-considered.
Last year was a bust: no effort from my husband, a dinner that went sideways, and my daughter ended up getting sick. This year I’m turning 40, and I want it to feel memorable. Something iconic. A milestone. But I already feel like it’s going to be brushed off again.
My mom even tried pressuring my husband to plan something special, and he just came to me two nights ago and said, “Well, what do you want to do?” I gave a couple of suggestions (like a trip or even something niche like caviar tasting — which I get isn’t for everyone), and they were either shut down or laughed off.
I don’t want to plan my own birthday. I do everything for everyone else all year, and it hurts that the people closest to me can’t put in effort when it comes to me. I grieve it every year, but I still carry the sadness. And this year, turning 40, it just feels heavier.
Has anyone else felt this way? How do you deal with it — especially when the people in your life just don’t seem to get it?
Comments
I’m the planner for my family. Grandpas 100th? I made the invitations and the dessert. Nieces 5th? I got the ice cream bar and hosted it at my house. Husbands promotion? I got the nice bottle of wine.
Nobody remembers or notices my events.
For a time I was salty about it but then I decided to lean into it. I say exactly what I want. If it’s a specific restaurant I just tell my husband to make a reservation. If it’s general where I have no preference I tell him to find something “get us a byob Italian reservation for Saturday and invite my three friends.” Etc. My life is a lot easier now, my expectations are met!
Lean into your strength as a planner and lay out the instructions to the extent you want the control, which might be to the smallest detail or high level.
What’s with people and birthdays? No offense but it’s just another day
Well first of all, I’m sorry that your husband sucks (in this one department, or maybe more idk).
Second, stop doing shit for his bday/life events. Like literally give him the same energy back.
Third, since he will only disappoint you (only with this issue or maybe other places too, idk?) you should plan your own thing (to do with or without him). It will suck during the planning but the actual event will be fun.