Relationship issues!
I’m a 45 (M) and my GF is 38 (F) and is a messy person and I’m not sure what to do!
We have been together for about 6 months. She is a great person overall. Loving, caring and supportive but she is not clean and organized and it’s driving me insane!
She is a cop and work primarily in an office and I’m an air traffic controller so we both have pretty stressful jobs. I come home and take my clothes off and I’ll put them in the hamper, dishes in the sink I’ll clean them and put them
Away in the morning. I vacuum once a day mainly because I have cats and sometimes the litter will track and it’s a quick vac nothing crazy maybe 5 minutes if that.
Her on the other hand…. She will leave dishes in the sink for a week straight and her excuse is she had a very busy week and had no time. Yet she will come home and watch tv for an hour or scroll on instagram and tik tok and send me stupid reels instead of doing stuff around the house. I’ve even suggested spend 30 min relaxing and then spend 30 cleaning. Last night I went over to her house and she was washing dishes that have been in the sink for days and she said what are you going to do? I said I’m going to vacuum and clean the bathroom and she said ok well you have 30 minutes and then we are going to lay on couch and watch a show. I clean the bathroom and then this morning there is toothpaste all over the sink and you can’t say anything without her getting mad.
She has clothes all folded and piled up on couch that have to go into storage and they have been for there 2 weeks. She hasn’t done laundry in over a week and this morning she is just sitting there watching tik tok videos looking at an alcohol bra so she can sneak alcohol in a cruise we are going on at end of month. I’m nearing the end and ready to end things over her being a mess and not clean. I don’t mind being the clean person but I want her to at least make an attempt. She got
Mad last night that I wanted to vacuum but leaves blew in from outside and she will just leave it there and doesn’t have a vacuum that properly works so I have to bring mine over. I’ll go to vacuum and she will make smart ass comments like oh here we go , a cleaning spree is starting. It’s not a deep clean it’s what normal people do. Water bottles left on side of bed and stuff, empty cups left by couch on shelf. I’ve told her numerous times that stuff like this stresses me out. I like to come home to a clean organized house and it’s ok if you don’t meet me halfway but at least make an attempt.
She wants me to move in and this isn’t someone I want to live with or even be with. In fact it’s the biggest issue in our relationship and the fact that it doesn’t bother her makes me want to end it even more. She said her self care is more important than cleaning. I get it but am I wrong for wanting her to make a little bit of an effort.
Any advice or help would be great because I don’t want to end things but I’m just about ready to. Not sure how much more I can take!
Comments
You’re not wrong here. This would be a big deal breaker for me because I’m very attentive to my space and hygiene. She’s using the term self-care as an excuse to be helpless, this is unfortunately not uncommon. Real self care would include day to day adult things like cleaning up after yourself because a clean home is refreshing and peaceful.
Part of me wonders if she’s just a procrastinator. See if she’s amenable to maybe using a timer at night. Setting it for 10 minutes and just doing what you can in that timeframe can be really helpful. Most day to day cleaning tasks don’t actually take that long, they just feel this way.
She’s 38. If she was going to change this she would have already. Do not move in with her or continue the relationship with the expectation that you can convince her to change this core behavior.
It sounds to me like this is a significant incompatibility. If living with a partner is important to you, this is probably not the relationship for you. Differences in household/cleanliness standards are such a huge source of stress and resentment in relationships; it’s already become one in yours and you haven’t even been together a year.
I don’t like to jump straight to breaking up, but I don’t think this is something you’re going to see a long term change or improvement in at this point in her life. She’s set with how she’s comfortable living and so are you, forcing incompatible standards like this is just going to make you both unhappy and resentful.
This is embarrassing to admit but I used to be your GF. Having kids partially fixed me (I’m a lot more attentive to hygiene issues now, and make sure dishes/laundry/vacuuming is done) but I still struggle to be “neat and organized.” I think this is likely to partially be lagging skills (like she gets overwhelmed and doesn’t know how to start) and maybe sitting down with her and helping her figure out how to organize her stuff could help. Just unilaterally doing it probably embarrasses her.
>She wants me to move in and this isn’t someone I want to live with or even be with.
So stop being with her and stop trying to change her.
The same goes if the roles were reversed.
Date someone for who they are and not who you want them to be.
EDIT:
In this post 3 months ago you had the exact same complaint…. and in an Update you posted as a comment you said you broke up with her.
You’re not going to change her. Either don’t put up with it and break up with her, or deal with it and accept her for who she is. Which is it going to be?
The truth: you don’t like her.
She’s 38. If she wanted to be clean, she would. She’s being pretty clear she doesn’t care.
You need to decide if you’re happy cleaning up after her long term, or not.
I married a disgusting slob thinking that “love” would be enough.
Two kids later it became horrifically worse. He was disgusting and refused to change why?? Because deep down you’re a moron for marrying and staying with that person.
You are the idiot for marrying and living a grown person ALREADY incapable of basic cleanliness and organization.
Not gonna say dump her but it’s pretty clear you are not compatible. Basic cleanliness and how someone orders their life is as important as your views on religion.
This person will not change and it’s unlikely you will change her especially if you’ve already addressed it and nothing has changed.
I’m trying to divorce this disgusting pig after 12 years. I’m traumatized. He had us living with roaches, refused to take out the trash, was generally a disgusting slob and now that I’m free I’m highly traumatized and I’m OCD with cleanliness because of how disgusting that pig was.
So yeah. Good luck but it’s unlikely this person will change and it will only get worse for you. It’s up to you.
Your post history says you just proposed a month ago and hinted at trying for a baby? Is this your girlfriend or fiancé? Why would you propose knowing you had such a big incompatibility? You both sound like you have issues TBH