TDLR: navigating feelings of a mid-30s female breaking it off with dates who aren’t on the same timeline for marriage/kids, dealbreaker leaning towards kids sooner than later
34F turning 35 soon. I’ve been actively dating for a few months now and have gone on an average of 8 dates a month. As much as I hate to admit it, I am leading with kids as my major dealbreaker because let’s be honest, my fertility clock is ticking. I’ve gone on many dates which have been a slow burn type of situation (which is cool by me, compatibility is much more important than initial chemistry) but finally had found a connection where I felt “the spark” enough for subsequent dates and I was excited for once. We got along great, good conversation and chemistry. Spending time with them wasn’t awkward, everything was easy. I often went on second and third dates even if this spark wasn’t like a raging fire.
However I had to break it off with the strongest connection I’ve had in months because of my timeline for kids and now I’m confused about how to navigate my feelings. I was trying to keep an open mind by dating younger and older men and this guy was 29. However he said he wouldn’t be ready for marriage or kids until HE was at least in his mid 30s, which would make me 40+. I’ve been proactive about my fertility and know that time is not on my side because of my poor responses to IVF meds, ironically my age is the only thing going for me for the health of my eggs. Conceiving naturally would be my best bet. I’ve broken it off multiple times with other guys in the past for similar reasons (and guys who went on more dates with), but I just feel differently about this one and it does make me sad.
I know it was the best decision for me and I’m absolutely not trying to pressure or change his mind. But it doesn’t make me any less sad over it and slightly disheartened. It has been the only connection where I felt those “butterflies” and I know it’s not healthy to be holding onto those type of feelings. Just hoping someone who went through the same thing can provide any insights or advice! TIA ❤️
Comments
I think there’s nothing wrong with you being upfront about this. It’s definitely wise to be on the same page about timing for marriage/kids and better to find out sooner than later. Unfortunately a lot of people are hesitant about having children d/t the economy and how expensive it has become. I’ve found that men I’ve dated in recent years have expressed that as the biggest reason they aren’t ready to have kids. That coupled with them not having the biological clock issue as much as women do makes it tough to find a guy that will expedite his timeline.
Last year I decided to take matters into my own hands and freeze my eggs. It wasn’t easy and was pretty expensive, but it gave me some control over my future fertility. I feel as though the pressure was lifted off of me somewhat. Now I don’t have to lead with marriage/kids talks in dating and can stay present.