If you knew me in life, you won’t believe me and will probably laugh it off. I’m a traditionally masculine and and conservative man, raised in patriarchal views with family of Christian ideals. Also straight, and definitely not into anything queer while being a nonchalant ally. But, I have a strong desire for being dominated, with elements of aggression and humiliation, and this has become increasingly difficult for me to reconcile with my identity. I’m desperate for some answer to this condition and hear from women what they think.
As someone (32M) who is academic and intellectually aware, it feels incredibly stifling to have these desires sitting in stark contradiction to how I see myself. I’ve always been comfortable projecting a conventional masculine persona. My last relationship with a curvy woman opened my eyes to how thrilling it can be to surrender control. We engaged in some light BDSM role-plays, where she dominated me in various roles of women, and I found immense release and pleasure in that dynamic. It was liberating yet confusing but very very cathartic.
Lately, I’ve been going on a lot of dates, and I’ve noticed that I no longer have any interest in smaller or more submissive women. I’m increasingly drawn to slightly more mature women who understand this dynamic and can discuss the psychological aspects of it. I can’t help but feel that no woman would ever find this aspect of my desire interesting. Are there women out there who might find this interesting as well? I worry that they might find it disgusting or judge me for wanting to be dominated, which fills me with emotional sadness and stress.
I feel incredibly alone in processing these feelings. I don’t have anyone in my life to talk to about this, and that isolation just compounds the confusion. My online therapist has suggested that these desires may stem from childhood experiences with a neglectful mother and an abusive father, adding another layer of complexity to my struggles.
It’s tough when my desires conflict with my intellectual identity, and I worry about what others will think if I share this part of myself. I fear they might judge me or think I’m betraying my values, which weighs heavily on my mind. So it’s quite shame and guilt inducing as well.
AITAH for being like this? Is it wrong for me to want to explore this part of myself when it feels so contrary to my established identity? I’m genuinely looking to understand these feelings and how to cope with them constructively.
Comments
nta
there’s nothing wrong with you. having desires that don’t line up with how you were raised or how you present yourself doesn’t make you broken. wanting to be vulnerable, dominated, or surrender control doesn’t take away from your masculinity. it just means you’re looking for release in a way that feels safe and cathartic to you. the guilt you feel is more about the expectations placed on you, not the desire itself. there are people out there who understand that dynamic, and you’re not alone in this. millions of people have completely different needs and likes from what you’d expect them to have.
Your desires are separate from who you truly are. You are not betraying your values, you are just trying to understand yourself more
NTA, you kink is your kink and as long as it is not harming others there is nothing wrong with that, it’s also so unbelievably common for straight white men to have this specific kink that it is a TV trope, just look at all the dude’s that comment things like “step on me mommy” on any tall women’s pictures
Nta
I know lots of men who are traditionally masculine, who have given over control willing and regularly. Many of them have said they feel like the pressure of daily life is being taken away during domming sessions.
Sexual identity is fluid and changing, it doesn’t have to affect your day to day life.
If you step into the world of kink you will find a community of people who are open to taking you as you are. And you’ll find submissive men with high powered jobs, traditional values who are considered very conservative in their day to day life. But behind closed doors when they need a break, when they no longer want to make decisions they turn to their domme
At no point do I feel revulsion or distain for the subs in my circle, but rather I care for them. I understand the need to hand over control, I understand how overwhelmed they feel and my role is to help them
Kink educator here. You’ve got cognitive dissonance because you can’t reconcile masculinity with submission. This is amazingly common, due largely to patriarchy equating everything masculine with dominance and everything feminine with submission. This goes against human nature. The stereotype about the CEO going to the pro-Domme for some release does not come from nowhere, and there are a huge number of strong, confident, masculine guys who find intellectual release and fulfillment in taking on the role of submissive at times and places of their choosing. They’re not giving up their identities at all. They’re taking a break from them to engage in a separate identity they find fulfilling. You’re allowed to have different identities for different surroundings.
There’s nothing un-masculine about being submissive. I’m straight but also kinky AF and I’m happy to throw a beating to a guy when I’m service-topping. There’s no sensual component for either of us in that scenario, but not everything kinky is sexual.
Also. Bruh. There are a metric shitload of dominant women who can treat a man like a partner in life and a piece of property during playtime. That’s the nature of a healthy D/s relationship, no matter the genders. You’re feeling insecure because you feel alone and weird, but you absolutely are not either of those things.
Edit: Forgot the NTA. You need to find a kink community so you can experience acceptance for the first time.
NTA, it’s natural to feel conflicted with your situation, but all i know is that there is nothing wrong with you, you are just exploring things and found something you like to do in sexual aspect
According to several interviews with sex workers I’ve read, it’s fairly common for successful or important straight men to have a bit of a submission kink. The sex workers’ theory is that it’s a way to temporarily let go of the burdens of success, or of having a dominant role in society.
So if you’re single, why not explore that kink, in a safe, consensual, and mutually enjoyable way?