I regret everything I did as a teenager, and I can’t shake the guilt.

I’m 22 now, and every time I think back to when I was younger, I feel so much shame. I was never like the other girls growing up. I was slightly chubbier, my face wasn’t as pretty as others, and I got bullied for it. I felt ugly and worthless, and that hurt in ways I didn’t even understand at the time. I desperately craved attention, especially from boys, thinking that would fix everything.
When I turned 13 I got my first phone. I started talking to boys online, but not the kind I should’ve been talking to. These were older guys as in 17, 18, even 24, and I honestly didn’t even question it. I thought they were paying attention to me because I was special. I didn’t realize how messed up that was. I was just a naive little girl who didn’t know any better. They asked me for things, things I didn’t fully understand but felt like I had to do to keep their attention. I sent nudes. I dressed revealingly. I didn’t even know how to say no because I was terrified of being rejected or ignored. I convinced myself that if I didn’t do what they wanted, they would leave me, I did every.single.thing they asked, but I drew the line at sex (or sexual acts in general) sometimes I felt embarrassed at the fact I couldn’t give it to them, I was horrified of it, but I’m glad I was, because it would’ve hurt me even more if I gave anyone who doesn’t care about me something that’s meant to be deep, meaningful and out of love.
At 14, I was wearing a full face of makeup every day, trying to cover up every flaw. And looking back, I feel ridiculous, grown women wore less makeup than I did. But I thought it was the only way I could feel beautiful. If a guy commented negatively on my looks, l’d get so upset that l’d send more pictures or do whatever they asked just to prove them wrong. I didn’t know how to feel good about myself without validation from others, and it led me to do things that still haunt me to this day.
I posted provocative pictures online as a minor, hoping to get that attention I craved so much. I’d purposely wear tight revealing clothes, trying to show off my body in ways that felt wrong. I thought if I showed more skin, I’d be seen as desirable. But it wasn’t just attention, I was seeking something deeper. I wanted to feel wanted, to feel like I mattered. Some of those pictures were screenshot and some used for fake accounts, and the fact that I know people out there still have those photos of me as a minor, makes me feel sick. And some of those guys who preyed on me are still trying to get in touch with me to this day.
The guilt is overwhelming. I hate that I was so desperate for validation that I put myself through that. I feel like I lost a part of myself back then, doing things just to feel seen. I can’t believe I let myself become that person, but I was a kid who didn’t know her worth and thought she had to do whatever she could to be loved. It was never real. It was never worth it.
I’ve changed so much since then, though. I’m not that insecure, desperate little girl anymore. I’ve learned to value myself for who I am, not for the attention I get. I no longer care if people leave or what they think of me. I cut off everyone from my past, I didn’t want a reminder, I don’t want someone who remembers. But it still hurts to know how much I gave away looking for validation. I wish I could go back and tell my younger self that she didn’t need to try so hard to fit into someone else’s idea of beauty.
I can’t erase the past, and the guilt is something I carry with me. But l’ve grown from it. I’m still learning to forgive myself, and I hope anyone who reads this knows that you’re worth more than the attention of people who don’t truly care about you. If I could go back, I’d tell my younger self that she’s beautiful just as she is and that validation from the wrong people will never make you feel whole.