my fiancé tried to kill herself.

TRIGGER WARNING!
(self harm and suicide)
English isn’t my first language, so i apologize in advance for any typos, hope you still understand what i’m trying to say.

Me (m19) and my fiancé (f20) have been together for a long time, and we have a really healthy relationship. We can talk about everything and we often talk about our feelings to eachother. We both have gone through traumatic experiences, and for me, it still takes a while to get used to being genuinely loved.

I love spending time with her and we’re a great match. We do almost everything together and we always find a way to make eachother feel loved when either one of us is feeling down. We’re not often feeling sad or being weighed down by anything, we’re usually happy and goofing around.

We both have depression but hers is way worse than mine, now i know comparing how depression feels like isn’t really a thing, but i can’t find any other words to describe our situation.

(Sorry for the bad introduction to us, i’m barely finding the right words to write down what i want to say)

I’m not going to share anything too personal, not that i’m afraid someone would recognize me, sharing personal information isn’t really necessary in this post in any way.

Last night around 1am my fiancé and i argued, nothing too serious, we were both exhausted and hangry. I mistakenly said ”You should leave” in a serious tone. Note that i’m usually chill and i never raise my voice, so this sudden phrase from me triggered something in her.

She left the house and i immediately understood my mistake. I followed outside after grabbing the keys, but she was nowhere to be seen. I tried checking her location but her gps was off, so of course i thought she just needed some time to cool off. A few minutes go by as i aimlessly wander outside trying to find her, not succeeding in doing so.

After a while a mutual friend of ours sends me a message that sank my heart deeper than i want to admit.
”Get her off the train tracks, now!”

I can’t explain how i felt, and how i feel now after receiving said message. I went full sprint towards the train station and without thinking dropped down to the train tracks, yelling out her name. She didn’t respond to me calling her name, or me calling her phone. I searched the entire train station for her, but she wasnt there. I called the police to stop the trains until we find my fiancé.

Not long after she sends me a photo of her wrists slit open and train tracks in the background. I felt myself die on the inside. It felt as if my whole world just shattered to pieces. I have never felt so helpless in my life, it felt like there’s nothing i can do anymore. I didn’t know where she was and her wrists are open and she’s somewhere on the train tracks. I continued yelling out her name even though the thought of me having already lost her had completely flooded my mind. I was desperate to find her. I called her phone dozens of time when she finally answered and told me she was heading home.

I ran as fast as i could to our front door and stopped her right there. I sat her down and took off my hoodie to use as a makeshift bandaid on her wounds. At this point she was white as snow and cold too. She was just staring into nothingness and wasnt responding to anything. I called an ambulance and as we waited for the paramedics to arrive, the police arrived and covered her wounds with a proper kit and i got my hoodie back. I was feeling scared, lost, lightheaded and it felt like i was about to throw up.

I didn’t scold her, i tried my very best to just take care of her and we’d talk about it later. I asked her what made her do this and she didn’t have an answer. She just shrugged and kept staring into nothingness. She later told me she lost control and that her memories are fuzzy. She only remembers leaving the house and us at the hospital. She got stitches on her wrist and professional help from the medical staff.

We went home hours later and she broke down. We discussed about what happened and agreed that both were in the wrong, however her actions were still dangerous and stupid. I know she didn’t do it on purpose, but self harm is not the right choice. I’ve got scars of my own, and my way of guiding her has really helped her stop self harm, except for last night.

I’m sorry if the story is confusing and hard to follow, my head is clouded by the events of last night and i can’t concentrate on anything.

I feel REALLY defeated. I fucking ran through the entire train station, including the train tracks. I pushed my body way beyond it’s limits just to find her. I’m in shock. Disbelief. It all feels like a nightmare, but the pain in my body from all the running and the stitches on her arm proves it really happened. The only thing in my head when i was searching for her was the thought of me finding her body. It fucking hurt. The whole situation hurt. More than anything. I’ve been crying ever since we got home and i feel so weak. I have no idea what to do anymore, i’m genuinely so lost. She’s going to a psychiatrist tomorrow so she can talk about her feelings in a safe space. But i don’t have that luxury. I’ve been waiting for 2 years just to get a chance to talk to anyone willing to listen. (i’ve reached out to people and psychiatrists, havent had any luck)

I don’t know what i should do anymore, i feel like my whole world just fell apart. I need advice on how to cope with this, i have no clue how i’m even supposed to calm down. I feel like i’m not myself anymore. Feels like everything who i was, was taken from me, and all that’s left is an empty shell.

How can i cope with this? How am i supposed to heal from this. I could really use some advice and someone to talk to. And if anyone has similar experiences in the past, please, share your ways of coping with this kind of trauma.